I'm watching Columbo for the first time and i love it

a killer: lieutenant columbo, you are a shambles. an upturned handbag of a man
columbo: aw gee y'know you're right there
a killer: *in prison* wait how

never murder a person who owns a parrot. just don't do it

i'm one and a third episodes of columbo in and i no longer believe in alibis. you were conducting an orchestra on live tv when the body was found? i don't care. you did it

columbo: can we go in to the music studio
security guard: sure. who's that
columbo: it's a little girl i picked up from her ballet class. she's here to identify a murderer. okay if i smoke?
security guard: everything about this is fine

dj khaled, wow. yknow sir me and my wife, we're huge fans. real huge fans yes sir. gee we even quit doing cunnilingus when you said it was uhhh. what's the word? anyway we found you very persuasive sir thank you

i'm sorry ma'am i couldn't help noticing that fine pussy of yours. gee whiz what i wouldn't give to have a go on a pussy like that! you mind if i take a shot at it? thank you ma'am very kind

say, what's the upkeep on a pussy like that? oh no ma'am, i'm not implying anything. whoever killed the wax museum owner, maybe it has something to do with the national shortage of pussy wax and maybe it doesn't

don't complain. if you're reading this you and i both know you don't respect yourself

the wife: oh NO my husband is DEAD this is so BAD
columbo: yes i uhhh. i'm sorry for your loss i really am
definitely the killer: here are EIGHT ways that evidence could have gotten there. i am VERY clever and utterly dispassionate about my dead nephew or cousin or whoever

10 CLUES You In Your Hubris Thought Lieutenant Columbo Wouldn't Catch (Number Ten Will Amaze You!)

you, stupid: columbo doesn't have a wife. who would let him walk around like that
me, smart: columbo's wife rumples his trenchcoat for him every night on a rumpling board. it's a reverse ironing board

columbo walked confidently into a swimming pool and acted confused and annoyed when his foot got wet

it keeps bugging me that kate mulgrew played mrs columbo. it doesn't make sense for columbo's wife to be twelve years old but it does explain why his mother in law doesn't like him

leonard nimoy is in this one and it's so weird to see him play a human being

mister spock just killed a lady with a hammer! that is against the prime directive, viz, that a robot cannot harm a human with a hammer

lt columbo is eating a hard boiled egg at a crime scene

columbo: my wife got depressed, she thought she was getting too fat. then she saw your television programme
gym murderer: and now she's thin?
columbo: oh no, she got so busy doing your exercises she forgot to be depressed
me: i love you lieutenant

columbo cares about his wife's happiness and not her weight. also he solved the murder or whatever