Here’s another thing that the cooperative spherical cow model elides: networks. https://twitter.com/fvathynevgl/status/1241046445244981248

The conflict resolution advice is: “if you can’t deal, leave.”

But we rarely have 1:1 relationships without surrounding context. In order to sever a relationship, you need to leave the context.

2/n

This may mean:

- leave a friend group
- stop coming to the bar where you are a regular
- leave the job
- stop coming to family events

It is a much greater cost than “just don’t talk to this dick anymore”.

3/n

You can appeal to other network members for help, but unless the harm was done *to the network*, it is not in their interest to help you.

After all, whoever attacked you is strong enough that you can’t deal with it yourself. Safer to deal with the stronger side.

4/n

This looks like victim-blaming, or “I guess I can see both sides of this issue”, or “please don’t involve me in your personal conflicts”.

It looks like getting fired for being a troublemaker (causing trouble *to the company* by reporting harassment.)

5/n

It really is better (less heartbreaking) to leave a group than to ask for help. But that doesn’t mean you should do it immediately.

It’s easier to get hired if you already have a job. It’s easier to find new friends and hangouts through old friends, still on speaking terms.

6/n

To sum up:

- if you can’t solve a conflict, leave
- be aware will cost you the group
- do not leave immediately; find a new group first
- find ways to cope with the stress of the problem in the meantime
- don’t burn bridges, the problem may eventually go away

7/n

End thread.