Extracts from the plague diary of Mark ne-Francois-Pepys

April 25th

Up, where finding myself attached to an IV Monster Drip and much afflicted, grew angry and flung my Top Gear magazines and Airfix Spitfires about the room, and in a mighty heat I was: and my poor mayde

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Hartley-Brewer very patient, did discourse that last night I misheard the apothecary Dr Trump, and did ingest bleaches rather than leaches to prevent Corona plague and this sent me into a great distemper and I did range the cul-de-sac proclaiming that our country be gone to

2/

ruin ere Kilroy went off air, demanding of Widdecombe if she had been Atomic Kitten and still vexed that I had missed John McCrick& #39;s funeral that nobody had told me was at 10/1, sent for KFC from Deliveroo and spent the evening throwing bargain bucket chicken at
3/

George Galloway’s house. Thither comes a hallucination of Richard Madeley and Jeremy Vine to restrain me, whereupon administering a sedative of sugar free Monster I did realise it was my boy Bridgen and Hartley-Brewer, and being placed in my chamber I lay thrashing until
4/

I begged the boy play Pomp and Circumstance from
the Last Night of the Proms CD on his lute, and after I had calmed he did ask why and I did confess that in my addled state I had emitted a trouser cough of carbon dibaxide and grayve colonsequence I had

5/

followed through and this did mind me of Pump and Circumstance, because it would appear that tonight was the Last Night of the Pants. So clean linen was laid, and I did watch Lovejoy until dusk. Bed.