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DM: so moses the pharaoh is still refusing to let your people go since you botched that persuasion check, a-
MOSES: i cast insect plague
DM: are you sure? we haven't fully explored all the opt-
MOSES: (leans in very close) I. Cast. Insect Plague.
#dnd
MOSES: i cast insect plague
DM: are you sure? we haven't fully explored all the opt-
MOSES: (leans in very close) I. Cast. Insect Plague.
#dnd
JESUS: is there a fig tree
DM: i don't know, sure, why not there's a fig tree
JESUS: I take some fruit.
DM: (rolls dice) the tree has no fruit on it
JESUS: I curse the fig tree
DM: look can we just get back to the quest
DM: i don't know, sure, why not there's a fig tree
JESUS: I take some fruit.
DM: (rolls dice) the tree has no fruit on it
JESUS: I curse the fig tree
DM: look can we just get back to the quest
CAIN: ok so is abel distracted
DM: yes. why.
CAIN: can I roll stealth
DM: yes. why.
CAIN: can I roll stealth
JESUS: so let me check, the money lenders are just SAT here in the temple
DM: yes
JESUS: I call a lightning strike
DM: you used all your spell slots raising that random guy from the dead
JESUS: fine i attack with my bare hands
DM: yes
JESUS: I call a lightning strike
DM: you used all your spell slots raising that random guy from the dead
JESUS: fine i attack with my bare hands
DM: Elisha the children are mocking your bald head on the way up the mountain
ELISHA: ok I cast conjure woodland beings, I want bears to eat them
DM: ELISHA NO
ELISHA: ELISHA YES
[this is a real bible story, check out 2 Kings 2:23-24]
ELISHA: ok I cast conjure woodland beings, I want bears to eat them
DM: ELISHA NO
ELISHA: ELISHA YES
[this is a real bible story, check out 2 Kings 2:23-24]
DM: ok pharaoh has decreed that all the baby boys are to be slain, and they are closing in, what do you do with your baby moses
JOCHEBED: i put it in a basket
DM: what
JOCHEBED: I PUT THE BABY IN A BASKET AND THROW IT IN THE NILE
DM: um roll athletics
JOCHEBED: i put it in a basket
DM: what
JOCHEBED: I PUT THE BABY IN A BASKET AND THROW IT IN THE NILE
DM: um roll athletics
DM: so you've come all this way, what did you actually bring the baby
MAGI 1: here's all our gold?
MAGI 2: I put some incense aside
MAGI 3: (rummages in pack) fuck (rummages) i have some embalming fluid
DM: ok roll to persuade the mother these are appropriate gifts for a baby
MAGI 1: here's all our gold?
MAGI 2: I put some incense aside
MAGI 3: (rummages in pack) fuck (rummages) i have some embalming fluid
DM: ok roll to persuade the mother these are appropriate gifts for a baby
DM: the lion approaches, it looks angry
DANIEL: i'm keeping it. I hug the lion
DM: it's a lion, it will eat you why are you doing this
DANIEL: I HUG MY NEW BEST FRIEND THE LION
DANIEL: i'm keeping it. I hug the lion
DM: it's a lion, it will eat you why are you doing this
DANIEL: I HUG MY NEW BEST FRIEND THE LION
DM: so how do you plan to go about building this temple
SOLOMON: I cast summon demon
DM: this *cannot* be allowed (checks book)
DM:
DM: ok you have a demon and I guess it helps buil-
SOLOMON: I cast it again
SOLOMON: I cast summon demon
DM: this *cannot* be allowed (checks book)
DM:
DM: ok you have a demon and I guess it helps buil-
SOLOMON: I cast it again
NOAH: I cast druidcraft to check the weather tomorrow
DM:
NOAH: why are you making that face
DM:
NOAH: why are you making that face
I will see you all after my excommunication
EDIT: I have been suitably chastised for not knowing that Jesus was proficient in whips. here is an updated joke. you pedants.
JESUS: so those moneylenders you mentioned
DM: yes. it was really just a casual reference for flavou-
JESUS:
JESUS: so those moneylenders you mentioned
DM: yes. it was really just a casual reference for flavou-
JESUS:
