DM: so moses the pharaoh is still refusing to let your people go since you botched that persuasion check, a-

MOSES: i cast insect plague

DM: are you sure? we haven't fully explored all the opt-

MOSES: (leans in very close) I. Cast. Insect Plague.

#dnd

JESUS: is there a fig tree

DM: i don't know, sure, why not there's a fig tree

JESUS: I take some fruit.

DM: (rolls dice) the tree has no fruit on it

JESUS: I curse the fig tree

DM: look can we just get back to the quest

CAIN: ok so is abel distracted

DM: yes. why.

CAIN: can I roll stealth

JESUS: so let me check, the money lenders are just SAT here in the temple

DM: yes

JESUS: I call a lightning strike

DM: you used all your spell slots raising that random guy from the dead

JESUS: fine i attack with my bare hands

DM: Elisha the children are mocking your bald head on the way up the mountain

ELISHA: ok I cast conjure woodland beings, I want bears to eat them

DM: ELISHA NO

ELISHA: ELISHA YES

[this is a real bible story, check out 2 Kings 2:23-24]

DM: ok pharaoh has decreed that all the baby boys are to be slain, and they are closing in, what do you do with your baby moses

JOCHEBED: i put it in a basket

DM: what

JOCHEBED: I PUT THE BABY IN A BASKET AND THROW IT IN THE NILE

DM: um roll athletics

DM: so you've come all this way, what did you actually bring the baby

MAGI 1: here's all our gold?
MAGI 2: I put some incense aside
MAGI 3: (rummages in pack) fuck (rummages) i have some embalming fluid

DM: ok roll to persuade the mother these are appropriate gifts for a baby

DM: the lion approaches, it looks angry

DANIEL: i'm keeping it. I hug the lion

DM: it's a lion, it will eat you why are you doing this

DANIEL: I HUG MY NEW BEST FRIEND THE LION

DM: so how do you plan to go about building this temple

SOLOMON: I cast summon demon

DM: this *cannot* be allowed (checks book)

DM:

DM: ok you have a demon and I guess it helps buil-

SOLOMON: I cast it again

NOAH: I cast druidcraft to check the weather tomorrow

DM:

NOAH: why are you making that face

I will see you all after my excommunication

EDIT: I have been suitably chastised for not knowing that Jesus was proficient in whips. here is an updated joke. you pedants.

JESUS: so those moneylenders you mentioned

DM: yes. it was really just a casual reference for flavou-

JESUS: