Good compliments are observations

~a short thread~

Today, I remembered something I read about (likely in a book about trauma): a child develops their self-image based on feedback from parents.

Parents have a lot more lived experience, so a child uses their opinion as a shortcut for "compare self to many other examples".

1/n

This helped me put my finger on why non-specific compliments are so annoying.

A non-specific compliment tells you nothing about yourself, and everything about the person paying the compliment.

2/n

Non-specific compliments are evaluations, and usually generic. They tell you:

1. that the speaker wants to get on with you
2. MAYBE what qualities the speaker values

They easy to make, because you can lie and disclose little about yourself. They are also non-actionable.

3/n

Specific compliments require observing something worthy about the recipient. They tell you:

1. that the speaker pays attention to you
2. what is noticeable about you

These are easy to verify, and are actionable.

4/n

Example non-specific compliments:

"You are a smart/kind/beautiful person."

Why? Unclear. How to be smarter/kinder/more beautiful? Unclear.

"What a pretty scarf!"

Why does the speaker like it? I'd like to get them a gift, but this doesn't give me enough to go on.

5/n

Example specific compliments:

"I was impressed by how quickly you solved this maths problem."

=> How to impress? Practice solving math problems quickly.

"It turns me on when you wear this dress."

=> How to be attractive? Wear the dress.

6/n

Specific compliments are harder and riskier (you might comment on something the recipient doesn't value.)

But (I suspect) only specific compliments are meaningful.

Only specific compliments help others build self-esteem, or find direction to improve themselves.

7/n

End thread.