Some ppl don’t know that Los Angeles, the city itself, is roughly 450 mi.², give or take. This is why it is possible for me to wonder if my cat just jumped on the bed near Pasadena while somebody in Beverly Hills thinks their house is going to crack in two. Earthquakes r wild.

OK actually it is almost 469 mi.² of land. And there are 4 million people here. Also my bed is very sturdy and was built from scrap lumber by a lesbian. Again, part of the geography lesson tonight.

So anyway, that’s why when you come to visit us here and we live in, like, Glendale and you are like “I’m staying in Malibu, can I meet you at 5 o’clock on Tuesday for coffee in Santa Monica?” we are like “fuck no Grandma, see you at Christmas” and it’s January 7.

If you’re excited to visit us here & maybe live or die in an earthquake, ask where to book a hotel/motel or else you’re not going to see us. Rush hour is 7:30 AM to 9:45 AM and during the school year afternoon rush is 3:45 PM to 7:45 PM. Put snacks and water in your car.

Also even if you pee before you get in your car, you might end up pissing yourself in rush-hour traffic if there’s an accident and 45 minutes turns into 110 minutes. I did it twice my first year! I mean I also have a small bladder. Anyway, there was an earthquake tonight.