I’ve always learned the most from failures so here are a few distilled lessons I learned from years of therapy & failed relationships.

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1. Home team mentality - always think about the we before you/me. This is important when other people or kids come into the equation.

2. If you don’t express your needs, it’s not fair to resent the other person for not meeting them. Hard stop.

3. Know your “stuff”. We all have an inner world that has been shaped by your childhood, past relationships and experiences. Emotions are ok. Over-reactions are signals that some of your “stuff” is getting triggered. Walking around without self awareness is dangerous.

4. ABC. Always be curious. Who you are today is not the person you’ll be tomorrow due to new data inputs, experiences and dreams. The same goes for your partner. Ask questions - often.

5. You usually SHOW love in the way you want to BE loved. That’s not always the way your partner feels love. See points 3 and 4.

6. If you’ve expressed your needs clearly with loving feedback, and the other person can’t meet them - it’s up to you to decide if you can be ok with those gaps; otherwise, it’s time to move on.

7. No one can be everything to everyone. Ever try to hold up a falling wall? Eventually you’ll get exhausted and be crushed by the weight. That’s the same feeling of someone carrying all the emotional weight and needs of a person.

8. Lastly - there is a reason Lizzo sings about self love. If you are not a whole person by yourself, you can’t be a whole person in a relationship.
Love yourself - there is no one like you.

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