Ya know, since it's my dad's birthday - he woulda been 83 today, and always joked he was born on Hitler's birthday so as to partially redeem the day - and it's also Patriots Day in New England to celebrate Lexington and whatever and since I've been drinking

How bout some history

First off, dad LOVED history. Where do you think I get it from? So I'm just disappointed I can't tell him all about

The old dudes of Lexington and Concord who kept kicking ass all April 19, 1775

Oh yes, it's a thing

Now first off, we gotta quantify "OLD"

Look, if you're over 50 in 1775, you're old

I don't make the rules; disease, war, and poor diets made the rules

Dad would've just said they needed to eat more beans. That was his answer to most problems: beans

So we kick off the story of old dudes with Jonas Parker, 52 years old, a member of the Lexington militia company - THAT company, yeah. His cousin was the company commander and his son, Jonas Jr, was also in the company, because National Guard gonna be a family affair ALWAYS

April 19 and the Lexington company assembles on the green, just sorta hanging out when suddenly a buncha panicked British light infantry appear, freak the hell out, someone shoots, and hey, it's all sorta, well, on. Captain Parker gave the order to fall back but his cousin...

Welllll Jonas Parker apparently didn't have "retreat" in his lexicon. 52yo Private Parker, his ammo and flints in his hat at his feet, fired and reloaded until he was hit, and even THEN tried to reload until he was taken down by a bayonet thrust because bullets wouldn't work

As the fight moved on from Lexington to Concord and then precipitously back again, we meet our next band of old coots - from the now non existent town of Menotomy. Now, these are the dudes who you'd normally see sitting on a bench outside Ye Olde Shoppe of General Goods

And yep, they're veterans, probs bullshitting about how bad chow was during the French and Indian War and how Crown Point sucked during the winter. Anyhoo, they were all armed, led by David Lamson, with Ammi Cutter, Jason & Joe Belknap, James Budge & Israel Mead

So, these dudes are like "hey, we should do something about all those Brits" & so they hide behind a stone wall after Percy's relief column passed through, heading towards Lexington. A wagon with a British squad comes up. They leap up, fire, killing the driver & taking the squad

Pretty well pleased, these dudes proceed to calmly capture Percy's full supply train in this manner, probably making wisecracks the whole time. They take a wounded Brit LT prisoner and send him off to Ammi Cutter's house for Mrs Cutter to take care of, for good measure

As Percy's column now heads BACK towards Menotomy, the old dudes disperse to take of fighting positions in houses. Here, Ammi Cutter meets up with 58yo Jason Russell who's piling shingles in his dooryard, stating "a man's home his is castle" and who was apparently very literal

The fighting gets pretty nasty and close in. Ammi Cutter and some of the other codgers are like "we out" and Ammi tries to get Jason Russell to leave. But like Jonas Parker, Jason Russell decided that today was the day that he wasn't gonna leave his home for someone else

Russell was shot twice, dead, in the doorway, and then bayonetted eleven times because the Brits were FURIOUS that they were getting their asses handed to them by retirees from Massachusetts

65yo James Miller in Cambridge was also not leaving - said he was too old to run - KIA

But these dudes - these awesome, ornery af dudes - got nothin on the legend: 80 year old Sam Whittemore. This dude. This. Dude. Once upon a time, Sam had been a dragoon for the crown. Sometime back in the 1600s or some shit. Christ was LITERALLY a corporal back then

Sam had OPINIONS

back in 1741, Sam had expressed very publicly his opinion that Colonel Vassal was less fit for selectman than his horse was. The colonel sued for damages. The court ruled that it was ridiculous, Sam COUNTERSUED and got 1200 pounds

Sam was the BOSS