Kiska has been hyper ALL DAY. I don't know how this cat has the energy. She's been bouncing since the lockdown began. I think she'd like me to stay home forever.

Highlights:

I made the mistake of playing with not one but TWO of her toys and she went into H Y P E R D R I V E

Elderly cat? Aye okay. More like permakitten.

Yesterday she spent ten minutes wailing at me to flush the toilet because she's discovered that I'm the one who controls the wooshy bathroom monster.

Hello yes you're a good cat too, you furry wanker. (Please ignore my drum kit and bass which are currently functioning as a washing horse.)

Hetfield is currently a bit poorly. He's got a wee gum infection but the vets are only taking emergency cases so we're keeping an eye on him. It doesn't seem to be stopping him from eating and drinking so we'll see tomorrow. He is a good boy but a total pain in the arse.

She said lovingly.

Whenever I talk about Hetfield I always get some concerned messages about why I verbally abuse my cat. It's more like insult-based affection and he's got an ego to match his namesake.

Hetfield, no matter the time, will wait one (1) hour after I go to bed and then wail the song of his people. It does not sound like a cat. It sounds like a child being murdered.

He likes to press his arse into faces. Always.

He steals food. He can open packets and cupboards.

One time he successfully managed to steal TWO chicken drumsticks and hide them behind the couch to go nasty.

If you find one of his food caches (usually by smell) he goes APESHIT and destroys things he knows will get attention, like Hairy's Lego models and any paperwork I need.

He will find the person most allergic to cats and shed all over them.

He eats his own fur and you either wrestle it out of his mouth or he pukes it in your shoes later.

If you sleep with your mouth open he will put his paw in there. He pets sleeping faces.

He will always, no matter the duration or journey, shit all over himself in the cat carrier. We have tried different carriers. We have tried putting towels over it to make it dark and quiet. We have tried not feeding him for the day.

He. Always. Shits.

He is a furry little wanker and I love him.

Oh and he's super gay.

I know this because he and his boyfriend (our in-laws' cat) will hump INCESSANTLY. They will break into the bedroom to do it on top of you. They will maintain eye contact with you the entire time. They line themselves up in front of the telly, just to hump.

Neither have balls.

Some say it's a dominance thing but I suspect I'm the one being dominated and I don't care for it.