Read on Twitter
Imma poke a bit at spontaneity and playfulness. Expect a slow-post introspective thread.
I find posting on Twitter to be valuable, because I can't edit and reorder posts. It limits the amount of overthinking I do before I publish.
And it is sometimes deeply uncomfortable.
And it is sometimes deeply uncomfortable.
Twitter discourse affects spontaneity, humour, lightness, speed, off-the-cuff unpolished posts.
These are the aesthetics of effortlessness. https://twitter.com/fvathynevgl/status/1242093900522819584
These are the aesthetics of effortlessness. https://twitter.com/fvathynevgl/status/1242093900522819584
I hate having to perform spontaneity.
I don't *do* spontaneous. Spontaneity requires taking a risk, and I don't trust my inner compass to navigate it.
I'm not saying this lightly.
I'm not saying this lightly.
Partly, of course, this is lack of practice.
Apparent spontaneity means that you've integrated a lot of patterns and practiced repeatedly until you become unconsciously fluent. That's how masters improvise.
But I have not put in the practice; why?
Apparent spontaneity means that you've integrated a lot of patterns and practiced repeatedly until you become unconsciously fluent. That's how masters improvise.
But I have not put in the practice; why?
Partly (again) this is for lack of safety network.
When your family, and your peers, and the legal system of the country you live in - all constitute threats to you, then every risk you take is magnified.
You don't take risks unless you have to, or they promise escape.
When your family, and your peers, and the legal system of the country you live in - all constitute threats to you, then every risk you take is magnified.
You don't take risks unless you have to, or they promise escape.
But there *were* things I considered worth the risk, that I valued and believed in, into which I put in more than a decade of my life.
And they failed. My inner compass led me astray.
And they failed. My inner compass led me astray.
Looking back, I now see the warning signs from the start, but I disregarded them at the time. I thought I would work through difficulties, search for solutions, be creative and resourceful, and that my patience would be rewarded.
I have since spent time in meditation, looking at my motivations. I realised that it all came down to a desperate need to belong, be accepted, be loved.
I never had "values". I was a hungry amoeba crawling in the direction of possible food.
Maybe that's just what humans are.
I never had "values". I was a hungry amoeba crawling in the direction of possible food.
Maybe that's just what humans are.
Relevant quote: https://twitter.com/fvathynevgl/status/1246782085039349763
Sadly, unfulfilled needs create a catch 22. The more obvious your need, the less others want to fill it.
Humans, we do not like to feel obliged to help. We want to feel that we chose to do it, because only then do we get warm ego fuzzies.
"I didn't have to help - but I did!"
Humans, we do not like to feel obliged to help. We want to feel that we chose to do it, because only then do we get warm ego fuzzies.
"I didn't have to help - but I did!"
If you have put your eggs in multiple baskets, the perspective of gain/loss of one of them is disappointing, but not a tragedy.
But say you have one basket, or none. Now it feels life-or-death. If you were honest about your feelings, you'd look "needy". https://twitter.com/RoqaVuk/status/1250119183087665153
But say you have one basket, or none. Now it feels life-or-death. If you were honest about your feelings, you'd look "needy". https://twitter.com/RoqaVuk/status/1250119183087665153
I have beef with advice to "stop being needy", because it sounds like the need isn't real. It is. You might as well shame a starving person for staring at food.
But I also recognise the value of the advice, because it points at the catch 22.
But I also recognise the value of the advice, because it points at the catch 22.
"Neediness" is, at its core, an image you project in order to compel others, through guilt, to fulfil the need.
It's an automatic response, like the cry of a baby bird. (The insides of its beak - the gape - is brightly coloured to attract the parents' attention, get more food.)
It's an automatic response, like the cry of a baby bird. (The insides of its beak - the gape - is brightly coloured to attract the parents' attention, get more food.)
So what do you do when you have few-to-none sources of need-fulfilment, and when you're aware that your natural, instinctual response is going to keep you starved?
You perform being well-fed.
And this costs you your spontaneity.
You perform being well-fed.
And this costs you your spontaneity.
Childhood trauma amplifies the problem. https://twitter.com/fvathynevgl/status/1246712323206774785
People suffer from social starvation because we have invented food stamps and housing benefits, but not friend stamps.
The best substitute we have are therapists and sex workers, but their services:
1. cost money,
2. are taboo/shameful in most cultures
3. are restricted by gender (therapy for women, sex for men)
1. cost money,
2. are taboo/shameful in most cultures
3. are restricted by gender (therapy for women, sex for men)
Your actual options depend on your age, because where your cohort (people of similar age as you) spends time, varies over lifetime. https://twitter.com/hnrklndbrg/status/872555621807267840
In order to befriend someone, you need to meet them frequently, for long periods of time, and/or have intensive experiences.
But after people pass 30, they mostly spend time with coworkers, partners, and children.
And coworkers might think it's too risky to make close friends.
But after people pass 30, they mostly spend time with coworkers, partners, and children.
And coworkers might think it's too risky to make close friends.
In practice, for some intersections of class, age, and country, the only chance to stop starving is to find a romantic relationship. And your chances of finding one are low, and get worse with age.
Which I'm guessing is at least part of why people get desperate about dating.
Which I'm guessing is at least part of why people get desperate about dating.
If you were hoping for a solution - sorry, I'm starving along with you.
Keep shaking every tree you can, in as dignified manner you can. I salute you for being an adult and doing your best to see to your needs in a fucked up world.
Keep shaking every tree you can, in as dignified manner you can. I salute you for being an adult and doing your best to see to your needs in a fucked up world.
This thread sponsored by letter "why does it feel so important that I delete tweets I don't like if this is an alt account?"
End thread.
End thread.
