So we titled our chat 'Defending our time and space' which is really about boundaries more than anything. This is especially difficult now that we're stuck at home and everyone is on top of each other. Good to revisit this topic once again #SexAbuseChat

Love can’t exist without boundaries, even with your children. Think of rules and principles you live by when you say what you will or won’t do or allow. This is can be with lovers, friends, children, coworkers - whomever you interact most with (normally) #SexAbuseChat

If you have difficulty saying no, override your needs to please others, or are bothered by someone who is demanding, controlling, criticizing, pushy, abusive, invasive, pleading, or even smothering you with kindness, it’s your responsibility to speak up. #SexAbuseChat

There are actually 7 types of boundaries:

1) Material boundaries determine whether you give or loan things, such as your money, car, clothes, books, food, or toothbrush.

2) Physical boundaries pertain to your personal space, privacy, and body.

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Do you give a handshake or a hug — and to whom and when? How do you feel about loud music, nudity, and locked doors?

3) Mental boundaries apply to your thoughts, values, and opinions. Are you easily suggestible?

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Do you know what you believe, and can you hold onto your opinions? Can you open-mindedly listen to someone else’s, without becoming rigid?

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4) Emotional boundaries distinguish separating your emotions and responsibility for them from someone else’s. It’s like an imaginary line or force field that separates you and others.

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Healthy boundaries prevent you from giving advice, blaming, or accepting blame. They protect you from feeling guilty for someone else’s negative feelings or problems and taking others’ comments personally.

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High reactivity suggests weak emotional boundaries. Healthy emotional boundaries require clear internal boundaries — knowing your feelings and your responsibilities to yourself and others.

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6) Sexual boundaries protect your comfort level with sexual touch and activity — what, where, when, and with whom.

7) Spiritual boundaries relate to your beliefs and experiences in connection with God or a higher power (or none at all, if that's your belief)

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It’s hard for survivors to set boundaries because: 1) They put others’ needs and feelings first; 2) They don’t know themselves; 3) They don’t feel they have rights; 4) They believe setting boundaries jeopardizes the relationship, and

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5) They never learned to have healthy boundaries.

Boundaries are learned. You didn’t learn you had rights or boundaries if yours weren’t valued growing up. Any kind of abuse violates personal boundaries, including teasing.

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In some cases, boundary violations affect a child’s ability to mature into an independent, responsible adult.

You have rights!

You may not believe you have any rights if yours weren’t respected growing up.

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For example, you have a right to privacy, to say NO, to be addressed with courtesy and respect, to change your mind or cancel commitments, to ask people you hire to work the way you want, to ask for help, to be left alone, to conserve your energy...

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to not answer a question, the phone, or an email.

Think about all the situations where these rights apply.

How often do you say “yes” when you’d like to say “no?”

***Here's an exercise: Write what you want to happen.***

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List your personal bill of rights. What prevents you from asserting them?

Write statements expressing your bottom line. Be kind.

It doesn't have to be aggressive or mean or out of character for you.

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For example,

“Please don’t criticize (or call) me (or borrow my ...),” OR

“Thank you for thinking of me, but I regret I won’t be joining (or able to help) you ... "

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When people don't respect your boundaries, that's their problem, not yours. Remember that.

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What about that mean-girl self-talk? That's an internal boundary.

Internal boundaries involve regulating your relationship with yourself. Think of them as self-discipline and healthy management of time, thoughts, emotions, behavior and impulses.

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If you’re procrastinating, doing things you neither have to nor want to do, or overdoing and not getting enough rest, recreation, or balanced meals, you may be neglecting internal physical boundaries.

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Learning to manage negative thoughts and feelings empowers you, as does the ability to follow through on goals and commitments to yourself.

Redirecting that negative self-talk (I shoo it out of the 'room' in my head) helps so much.

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Healthy emotional and mental internal boundaries help you not assume responsibility for, or obsess about, other people’s feelings and problems — something survivors commonly do, followed by violating others’ emotional boundaries with unwanted advice.

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Strong internal boundaries curb suggestibility. You think about yourself, rather than automatically agreeing with others’ criticism or advice. You’re then empowered to set external emotional boundaries if you choose.

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Similarly, since you’re accountable for your feelings and actions, you don’t blame others. When you’re blamed, if you don’t feel responsible, instead of defending yourself or apologizing, you can say, “I don’t take responsibility for that.”

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Setting boundaries is quite an adult thing to do, isn't it? We're laying down the law for ourselves and we are allowed to do that.

Give yourself permission to live the way you want, not how others want you to (or how you think they want you to).

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These tips are all courtesy of @PsychToday and yours truly. For more info:

Boundaries: How to Assess Yours https://buff.ly/2szrq86 

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This one last point is important: anger.

Anger is often a signal that action is required. If you feel resentful or victimized and are blaming someone or something, it might mean that you haven’t been setting boundaries. Something unresolved.

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If you feel anxious or guilty about setting boundaries, remember, your relationship suffers when you’re unhappy.

Once you practice setting boundaries, you feel empowered and less anxiety, resentment, and guilt. Determine what you're afraid of and examine that.

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