I have some weird blocks about human interaction.

Sometimes I read offhand mentions of what people do to initiate conversation, and my brain is like “wait, this is ALLOWED?!”

Idk why this is such a shock. In my mind, one social misstep results in some kind of unclear catastrophe.

I think I perceive approaching someone as invading their boundaries, and that people don’t WANT to be approached. I fear they will react with anger and aggression if I do.

Aggression or anger reads as “I’m gonna get hit”.

I grew up in a physically abusive family, where rules were not taught, but I would get hit for breaking them.

Most adults, some teenagers, are larger than me.

I am not afraid of being laughed at, I am afraid of dying.

I have strong feelings around clothes I wear.

I default to a mix of metalhead and military gear, although I downgraded to “Steve Jobs in leather” for work. I feel the need to project “powerful, aggressive, do not touch.”

I struggle with wearing femme clothing because it makes me feel like I’m giving away sovereignty and asking to be victimised.

I am silent, frowny (resting bitch face) and do not laugh much.

It’s probably hard to approach me if you don’t know me up front.

So I don’t have any “approach rules” in my head at all, because I don’t get to learn by imitation.

Obvious things feel like revelations. I’m often ashamed at how little I know about human interaction, and imagine “normal” people would be disgusted/pitying if they knew.

Looking back at this thread, I guess in my head I am somewhat a Mad Max?

A drifter living in a violent world. Trying to make it a better place but never accepted into any of the groups that bond through incomprehensible rituals.

I never identified with this character. Hmm.