I forgot to tell y'all. I woke up at 5am because I felt something on my chest. in my half-asleep state, I brushed my hand across my chest and picked up what I thought was my own hair or a fur ball from my dog. I rolled it between my fingers and tossed it away from my bed.

yeeeah

now...I think I'm a person who tries to do good. I'm kind, I'm caring, I love fiercely and I always recycle and reuse as much as I can.

so tell me.

why.

tell me what I did to deserve being woken up at 5 am.

with a spider.

under my blankets.

crawling across my chest.

like I said, I was half-asleep which is the only explanation I have for why I took a spider and rolled it into a ball with my fingers like it was Play-Doh.

wide awake Dionne would never. wide awake Dionne would rather lose said hand to a tiger before picking up an arachnid.

right after tossing the "fluff" over the side of the bed, I ran my hand over my chest again and brushed off something pokey. crunchy. and that's when god said wake up and turn a light on bitch.

so I did. and there on my sheets were

three

black

spider

legs.

I didn't want to believe it. maybe those were...weird crumbs??? I scoured the floor and sure enough:

a foot away, the crumpled body of a spider.

my worst fear had happened. a spider had been on me as I slept. and half asleep, I picked it up. and killed it. and threw it.

but it's 5am. I keep bringing that up bc:

1. a bitch is NEVER up that early so how DARE this spindly-legged hoe wake me up

2. you can't scream that early in the morning without someone calling the cops so I stared blankly at my bed from the doorway. dead inside...betrayed.

once I accepted the reality of what had happened, I shook out my blankets and checked the walls for more spiders. everything was clear so I got back into bed. I told myself I'd gone 27 years without this happening (to my knowledge...eughhhh) so it probably wouldn't happen again.

if it does? I'm breaking my lease and moving because I think the fuck not.