If you are from any one of a few countries I will marry you for your passport. It’s fine if you’re hot, but not necessary. What I can offer in return is various combos of carbs & fats baked together in a dish or tin repeatedly for the rest of your life.

There are other countries from which I will accept a wife or husband but a tweet can only be so long. I must emphasize that I will never be obedient and I will not clean your house for you. But you get cinnamon rolls and I get healthcare. Good deal!

I must also emphasize that the color of your skin, your nation of origin, religion, gender does not matter. What I need is for you to marry me and help me get a passport in your country that has actual healthcare and an actual functioning system of leadership. In return, I bake.

I reserve the right to divorce you and return to the United States if my country ever gets its shit together. It’s also possible that we will fall in the purest of love but I wouldn’t hold out hope, you can’t cage this particular lioness.

I will not commit to having sex with you. I will definitely lie to your family to keep up the façade that we are in a real marriage and not just a marriage guaranteed to get me free healthcare and probably a great national public transportation system.

There are a few other countries from which I will accept a husband or wife or gender free individual who will marry me and import me: I mean really the list goes on. Again, all I can offer you in return for citizenship is baking. And I’m not great at it.

I keep leaving out countries so guess what, you are also eligible to bring me in: And there are more OK good night, I expect several marriage proposals in the morning.

OK one more thing… It will help me choose my new foreign spouse if I have a better handle on the types of carbohydrates that are characteristic of your nation so feel free to let me know. Bonus points for anything involving rice, I really like rice. Thank you.

OK actually one more thing… I briefly worked in immigration law and I’m not a total fucking dumbass so yes, I am aware that marriage does not automatically grant citizenship in a country. Thank you for enjoying a SORTA KINDA facetious thread written by a comedian and author.

Also, I know I missed some countries but there are a lot of countries and I will remind you that I am American and thus am very dumb about the rest of the world. Feel free to sell me on moving to your country to be your wife who won’t have sex with you (unless I get bored.)