Read on Twitter
What, and I ask this sincerely, the fuck https://twitter.com/Zone1Bracket/status/1246712932496539648
Lambeth, okay, I can cope with. It's not a borough I have huge love for but there are good bits. It's fine.
But CROYDON?
But CROYDON?
I MISREAD IT THAT'S WORSE MY MIND JUST COULDN'T CONSIDER THE POSSIBILITY THAT LEWISHAM WOULD BE IN THERE TOO
wow, people really love Croydon, huh?
Okay, because I'm really bored and because I might get an article out of it, I am going to do my own OFFICIAL AND OBJECTIVE RANKING OF LONDON BOROUGHS, starting from the bottom. One tweet each, whenever I can be bothered.
Also I may not read the replies because literally everyone is going to hate me for this sorry
33. SUTTON. No human being not literally from Sutton has ever successfully remembered that Sutton exists and isn't just part of Merton or Croydon. Voted for Brexit AND the Liberal Democrats. Should be abolished for its own good, it clearly can't handle existence.
32. BEXLEY. No human being not literally from Bexley has ever remembered Bexley either. Also voted Brexit. Crap trains. No reason to visit. Not quite on the bottom because Erith has a pier I guess?
The complete absence of reaction to this one is a reminder of how few people even remember that Bexley exists.
Okay, last one for a bit, as I'm going on my government-mandated exercise:
31. HILLINGDON. Also Brexit. Sent Boris Johnson to Parliament. Has a massive great airport in it. No other features I can recall. And does Ruislip really need that many tube stations?
31. HILLINGDON. Also Brexit. Sent Boris Johnson to Parliament. Has a massive great airport in it. No other features I can recall. And does Ruislip really need that many tube stations?
And now he's mayor of somewhere with no tube stations at all. Says it all, IMO https://twitter.com/PhilipGlanville/status/1246757949344747520?s=19
30. BRENT. Not sure how this ended up so low on the preference revealer - it's fine, but meh, I guess? Lot of big roads and rail junctions and industrial parks and an out of town shopping centre that doesn't look that big any more. I have no other views on Brent.
29. BROMLEY. Quite nice, if you like that sort of thing, which obviously I don't. Lovely park in the town centre, plus Beckenham Place Park is great. Loses points for a) hating London b) hating Brussels c) being literally half empty yet building almost literally no homes
Okay last one for a bit
28. HAVERING. The MOST Brexit-y - honestly, like 70% or something - and also white-est which isn't a coincidence. But I can't hate it as a) I'm from there b) at least it has a personality unlike Bexley. Good place to get drunk if you're 17.
28. HAVERING. The MOST Brexit-y - honestly, like 70% or something - and also white-est which isn't a coincidence. But I can't hate it as a) I'm from there b) at least it has a personality unlike Bexley. Good place to get drunk if you're 17.
27. KENSINGTON & CHELSEA. Deeply unpleasant council which hates both poor people and cyclists. Absolutely loaded yet not as nice as it thinks it is. Chelsea hasn't been cool in fifty years. Royal borough fly arse: worst borough in inner London.
A locked account points out that Bromley narrowly voted remain. He's right, I'd got it mixed up with Barking & Dagenham - which will delight them both I'm sure
On which note:
26. BARKING & DAGENHAM. Depressing. A post-industrial town dropped on the edge of East London. Some nice old bits by the ruins of the Abbey and Dagenham Village, but not sure why it didn't rank lower, tbh - sympathy vote? I was born in it which helps.
26. BARKING & DAGENHAM. Depressing. A post-industrial town dropped on the edge of East London. Some nice old bits by the ruins of the Abbey and Dagenham Village, but not sure why it didn't rank lower, tbh - sympathy vote? I was born in it which helps.
25. HAMMERSMITH & FULHAM. Curate's egg. King Street is the worst place on earth and obviously west London is awful, but lots of nice riverside pubs, plus it looks better because it's standing next to Kensington & Chelsea
Now in a supermarket queue so long it's visible from space so the rate of these tweets might accelerate for a while.
24. WANDSWORTH. We're into the realm of boroughs I have no view about whatsoever, sorry. Good commons, nice houses, no reason to visit, fine I guess?
"What if Victoria Park but Tory" https://twitter.com/rcolvile/status/1246796370578673667?s=19
(Shout out to the staff at Whitechapel Sainsbury's, that massive line is being handled with incredible efficiency and I'm out already)
Ah, my first response to this thread from Not On Twitter!
"Wandsworth hates you too," it says.
"Wandsworth hates you too," it says.
23. EALING. Some good country parks and Ealing town centre is kind of sweet as suburban town centres go (plus, the Autons invaded it that time), and the common is nice and has some really nice houses on it, plus Southall, obviously... That's all I can remember about Ealing.
22. ENFIELD. Fine? Bumped up the list by the existence of Trent Park and the New River walk but frankly for such a big borough there's not a lot going on. Oh! Cockfosters. Snigger.
21. HOUNSLOW. The stupidest shape of any London borough - seven miles long, sometimes less than one mile wide, WTF? Chiswick is the only bit of London that looks like Richard Curtis thinks it does. It's fine.
*does quick bit of maths, works out how much longer I'm going to be doing this, decides to speed up a bit*
In entirely unrelated news, I'm thinking of relaunching my campaign for London to have fewer boroughs
20. MERTON. Great one to walk through (the commons, the big houses, the massive pubs) but I have no other views on it than that and often forget it exists.
19. NEWHAM. Land of my fathers. Bit of a dump tbh but gets points for building a lot of houses and having a scenic walk on top of London's biggest sewer. Oh, and there's a Doctor Who themed shop on Barking Road, so.
18. BARNET. London's biggest borough by population. Gets even more points for building a lot of houses while also being quite suburban and Tory. One of the better outer London boroughs. Home to the oldest tree in London, too (h/t: @agnesfrim)
I have lost count of how many people have how sent me @jayforeman's latest video but it's into four or possibly five figures
17. KINGSTON UPON THAMES. Not sure how this ended up so high. Possibly because a) a nice riverside walk & b) Chessington World of Adventures. Also c) looks like London's giving Surrey the finger which, cool. Surbiton sounds like somewhere made up to be in a sitcom, but no, real
16. HARROW. Another slightly baffling placement - Harrow-on-the-Hill is gorgeous, even if Harrow town centre really isn't. The only borough not to change its boundaries in 1965, so well done Harrow I guess?
15. LEWISHAM. I absolutely cannot think of a single thing to say about Lewisham. Oh! There's a big cat on Catford shopping centre, that's cool. Blackheath is pretty? Every year @FCDWhittaker insists on having his birthday in New Cross which is just selfish. Best borough my arse
New slogan: "CROYDON - A TOP 14 LONDON BOROUGH!" https://twitter.com/movingfasternow/status/1246826531466477568
13. CITY OF LONDON. Lot of lovely skyscrapers you got there. Be a shame if someone was to stick social housing in one of them, wouldn't it?
Agnes: "WHY ARE PEOPLE SUDDENLY FEELING STRONGLY ABOUT BARNET IN MY MENTIONS WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??"
Fair.
Fair.
Also I muffed up the numbering, this was actually 14, sorry https://twitter.com/JonnElledge/status/1246828715646029826
THE ACTUAL 13: CROYDON. To be fair, actually one of the better outer London boroughs. It has trams! It's massive! It goes on so far that it takes a whole day to walk across! London in microcosm. It's good, it just doesn't deserve to win.
12. GREENWICH. Cool things about Greenwich: the town centre, the riverside, the park, the Cutty Sark, Eltham Palace, the way Woolwich feels like the two versions of East London are at war on the street plan, a lot of green space. Not bad, bit suburban. Fine.
11. WALTHAM FOREST. Leyton is cool, Walthamstow was cool but is now cliched, Chingford is suburban and rubbish BUT has Epping Forest and great views looking west so gets points for that. If you want to live in outer London you could do worse and probably will.
If you're just joining us, I have been spending my day systematically alienating the entire population of London.
And now, the top 10!
And now, the top 10!
10. RICHMOND UPON THAMES. Okay a lot of awful people live here but it's the best stretch of riverside in London and for that alone on a sunny day it's going to rank well. If I'd done it in winter it might have come out lower. Also, it did humiliate Zac Goldsmith, twice, so kudos
Third person today to threaten to end their friendship with me over this excellent and objective ranking https://twitter.com/NickyWoolf/status/1246837340779282432
now up to four
Onwards!!
9. HARINGEY. Between Tottenham and Wood Green and Highgate you've got everything you need to have the complete London experience without actually going to proper London. Not sure why it's so high - but it is!!
9. HARINGEY. Between Tottenham and Wood Green and Highgate you've got everything you need to have the complete London experience without actually going to proper London. Not sure why it's so high - but it is!!
8. REDBRIDGE. My favourite outer borough by far, because of Epping Forest and Wanstead, a nice village-y bit which used to have wild cows in it. Growing up in Romford, Ilford looked almost exotic. Plus, conveniently reached via the Central Line!
7. WESTMINSTER. The council are awful obviously - and @LaurenMaeve likes it, which is a problem too - but so much of Proper London, like Soho and the theatres and galleries, is here that it sort of ranks well by default. Oxford Street is still hell, though.
6. LAMBETH. Several of the best pubs I know are in Lambeth, plus the BFI bar, and the associated stretch of the South Bank, and Vauxhall and Brixton. All good. Loses points for its culpability for Clapham though.
I bloody hate Clapham
5. SOUTHWARK. Bankside! Borough Market! The many brilliant pubs of SE1! The Tate Modern! Peckham, where half my social circle has bafflingly decided to live! The Old Kent Road, which I left in 2006, and which has still not managed even a hint of gentrification! It's good.
4. TOWER HAMLETS. Come on the East End is fucking wicked. The food alone, without even considering the fact that I live here. Plus, doing more than its fair share to solve London's housing crisis. All that and riverside pubs too. It's great.
This exercise has now resulted in half a dozen friends promising never to speak to me again and in breaking news may have destroyed my relationship too https://twitter.com/agnesfrim/status/1246851688931229697
But let's just move swiftly on and consider my favourite tweet of the day, from Gav here https://twitter.com/bestgav/status/1246850902578913288
3. ISLINGTON. I know I'm a cliche but I'm an absolute sucker for Clerkenwell Green and Upper Street and Highbury Fields and the Holloway Road. Not quite enough parks but honestly it's great, and if my ex hadn't got it in the breakup I'd probably still be clinging to it now.
In that they're both really good, correct https://twitter.com/russellcurtis/status/1246854059690262528
Okay, there's no point pissing about, as once I do 2 it's blindingly obvious what's left so I'm going to do them back to back
2. CAMDEN Gets points for range. Hampstead Heath! Bloomsbury! St Pancras station! If you had to live your life in only one London borough you could do a lot worse than Camden, but it's not quite the top because it's a bit too far west for my tastes.
Which means that the OFFICIALLY AND OBJECTIVELY BEST BOROUGH IS:
1. HACKNEY. *Obviously* the best. Has everything: great pubs and cafes and parks and wild spaces and gorgeous streets. Runs the whole gamut, culturally and economically.
Plus my only exercise at the moment involves cycling round it so I've got Stockholm sydrome possibly.
Plus my only exercise at the moment involves cycling round it so I've got Stockholm sydrome possibly.
Well! That was certainly a thing I did on a Sunday when I should have been doing something totally different, wasn't it
