Time for a #StarTrek #Thread:

How the crew of the Enterprise-D would respond to "social distancing" during a pandemic.

Premise: the producers have run out of money again, and need a bottle episode to round out the season. So a case of Bolian Coronavirus is sweeping the ship, forcing the crew to self-isolate in their quarters until a cure can be found.

Captain Picard is, of course, a man built for solitude. He would probably enjoy a lot of self-isolation: catching up on his reading, listening to music, practicing the flute.

But as a man of action, not being able to help would gall him, and he'd bug Crusher constantly.

Riker, upon learning that the virus could keep everyone in their quarters for several months, springs into action by asking Troi if she wants to be "plague pals" and quarantine together, "whatever happens during quarantine stays there."

She says no, he moves into the holodeck.

Inside the holodeck, Riker recreates a New Orleans Mardi Gras and runs a program that allows him to spend the time as a trombonist in a swamp-jazz band, guzzling hurricanes and distributing beads.

It will later be difficult to get him to leave.

Data would, of course, be perfect for self-isolation, as he's incapable of getting bored. He could spend the months literally sitting and staring.

But he'd be helping Crusher work on a cure, and as the only immune person on board he'd be very popular with the crew.

Data would find all this new information about human social interactions "intriguing," and would probably have several conversations with Geordi about how the lack of contact causes humans stress and irritation.

Also he'd have to slather himself with Purell before entering.

Worf would *claim* to love the idea of being isolated, but would only be able to pull off meditating to Kahless for about seven minutes before getting bored.

He'd eventually invent a new "game" that mostly consists of throwing knives at his furniture.

Over comms, he'd eventually have to admit to Troi that despite always feeling like a loner and outsider, he actually does feel like part of a community on the Enterprise and misses being with his friends.

They would lowkey have better chemistry than Troi/Riker, as usual.

Meanwhile, on the holodeck, Riker would invite Ensign Ro to come join him in New Orleans.

She would say "no."

Geordi would, of course, use this time to squeeze like an additional 3 percent engine efficiency out of the warp core, when Data's not visiting. He'd be doing it all by himself, as the rest of his team would be confined to quarters, and the little nerd would love every minute.

D: "Geordi, my olfactory array indicates that it has been some time since you have bathed. May I remind you that cleanliness is of utmost importance during a pandemic."

G: "Data, the shower is six decks away. I replicated something called 'Axe' which helps."

D: "It does not."

Guinan is fine, through her superpower of not being on the ship whenever bullshit like this happens.

Ensign Ro, as the Rosa Diaz of the Enterprise, would naturally fall into some kind of hobby so embarrassing that she would never admit it to the crew after, like crocheting or watching ancient Earth telenovelas or Minions movies or something.

Doctor Pulaski is not aboard the Enterprise, but if she were, whatever she was doing would undoubtedly be a violation of medical ethics.

Meanwhile, on the holodeck, Riker invites Nurse Ogawa to join him in New Orleans.

She says "no."

Crusher is spending most of her time in Sickbay, working with Data on a cure.

Partially because she's devoted to her work, and partially because every moment she spends at home, her and Wesley grow closer to murdering one another.

Wesley has the opposite superpower of Guinan's - while she never gets stuck on the Enterprise for bullshit like this, whenever Wesley so much as visits the Enterprise bullshit like this begins happening immediately.

Because Wesley is visiting, he can't solve the problem through his usual method of "conveniently having already been working on a science-fair project that connects to this specific problem-of-the-week."

Seriously how often did that happen? He had that portable tractor beam thingy in "The Naked Now," and that weird crystal doohickey he used to give Riker brief warp capabilities in "Peak Performance."

And that's not including the times his random science projects ended up CAUSING the problem of the week, like when his nanites got loose.

Who is monitoring this kid? Who keeps letting him sign stuff like this out to fuck with?

Let's give Barclay a win: because Riker already got dibs on the holodeck, Reg ends up spending the pandemic in the gym and gets hella swole.

Nice work, Reg.

Meanwhile, on the holodeck, Riker invites Lieutenant Robinson (guest star Teri Hatcher) to join him in New Orleans.

She says "no."

Keiko and Miles get divorced, and then can't leave because of the lockdown, and so they end up talking it out, and get back together, and then get divorced again.

This happens like seven times.

I'd make some jokes about toilet paper shortages, but:

- The replicator renders that moot
- The crew would never hoard
- They probably use the three seashells or something

Naturally, all of this stuff would have to come together somehow in the third act, so the virus would jump from Geordi to Data, and then from Data to the Enterprise, forcing the whole crew to work together from separate locations to purge it from the systems.

This would probably involve something like flying the Enterprise too close to a nearby star, giving the ship a "fever" high enough to roast things before it causes a warp core breach.

Curing the human crew would happen largely during the commercial break, with Picard wrapping things up nicely during his closing log entry.

Right before the credits, a disheveled Riker, mouth stained red from drinking low-quality Hurricanes for two months, would knock on Troi's door only to have it implied she ended up spending the quarantine with Worf.