I’ve been recovering and starting to feel better. I’ve been thinking a lot about the emotions that I experienced during my time in the ICU and after. Major caveat: I know people have had it worse and people have lost loved ones, but I want to share some of what I experienced. 1/

Isolation was the worst. When my wife dropped me off at the ER, they told her to leave. I didn’t see her or my family until I was discharged 5 days later. That is tough on its own for any diagnosis. 2/

The first night in the hospital, they tried to admit me into a normal isolation room. But within an hour of being in that room, I went downhill real fast. I went from low oxygen supplement to not being able to catch my breath even on the highest levels they could accommodate. 3/

All of a sudden, a bunch of ppe dressed nurses and doctors rushed me to the ICU. I was put into a negative pressure room where they put me on high flow oxygen. 4/

The scariest part of all of this was that the doctor told me that night that I might need to be intubated. They set up all the equipment in the room and then left me there alone overnight. That whole night I laid await in a sterile room wondering whether I would die alone. 5/

The worst of this, is the isolation, not being able to see your family, not being able to get comfort. The fear of dying alone. People have already written great pieces on this, but the feeling is real and even worse than the physical problems. 6/

I also know that I’ve been incredibly lucky. Lucky to have gotten COVID19 early on. Being the first ICU case meant that plenty of medical staff watching over me who weren’t fatigued and lacking supplies. 7/

I’ve had extreme survivor’s guilt. I’ve been reading about people who had the same story. The same symptoms and then ICU. The difference was that I took a turn for the better and they took a turn that required intubation or worse. Why did it turn out better for me? 8/

I’m on the mend, but it’s still hard for me to do normal things, like take the stairs or even eat. Losing my breath with normal actions. I also still feel sorry isolated. I’m home, but haven’t interacted at all with my family and kids. 9/

Again, I am incredibly lucky. But I don’t wish the physical or emotional toll on anyone. Please continue to practice social distancing and be safe. Stay healthy everyone. We’ll get through this. Fin/