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‘Cockland’ starts next week on BBC 1 - 9pm. ‘When dead bodies start piling up in the sleepy fishing town of Lowestoft, Detective Matt Hancock is the man entrusted to get a quick result, regardless of the consequences’. Also stars Lionel Blair and Rula Lenska (Subtitled).
10.45pm - The Treadorcist, ‘When Father Johnson pays a visit to his local Kwik Fit, he discovers a demon hiding in the treads. Will Father Johnson be able to rid the valves of this evil entity, or will he compound his soul to rubberised damnation?’ Co-starring, Geoff Capes.
5.45pm - Bed or No Bed? (Gameshow) Boris from Uxbridge tries to guess if a patient has a bed or not based on photos shown to him via a stolen mobile - as many as he can in under 60 seconds. If successful he’ll be playing for a caravan in the bonus round, ‘Sell or Don’t Sell’.
7.30pm - Boris & Laura (sit-com) ‘In this week’s episode: Boris gets into trouble when his dog, ‘Cummings’ goes missing, and Laura tries to intervene in a fight between a cyclist and a random passerby - with hilarious results’ Guest Star: Angus Deayton (Subtitled in Welsh).
8.30pm - Putin, Phone, BOOM!!! (Gameshow) ‘The nation’s favourite is back! Contestants once again try to win big and find the golden phone. The right one will win Rubles - but the wrong one will be answered by Putin with an itchy drone strike finger!’ Hosted by Warwick Davis.
10.15pm - The Bottle Job (Film) ‘Heist caper where a mop haired toff tries to dupe a country and steal an election. But after a unigate van is stolen instead and the police hot on their trail, they decide to freewheel across London on Boris Bikes.’ Also stars Tim Brooke-Taylor.
3.45pm - Fridge F*ck Off! (Gameshow) ‘The #1 gameshow amongst octogenarians, where contestants have to guess which fridge Boris Johnson is hiding in - but watch out! Guess incorrectly and you’ll find a foul-mouth aid instead!’ Hosted by Paul Hogan (also in sign language).
9pm - Cracker! (Crime) ‘The mop-haired detective is in hot water again. When a series of explosions rock the Glaswegian community, the finger of suspicion falls once more on the bumbling detective and his unhealthy addiction to plastic toys’ (features mild jokes and a paper hat).
8.15pm - Sons & Fathers (Soap) ‘Stanley and Boris try again to get the rights to the Nag’s Head pub from Peggy Richie before her son, Phil, gets wind of the deal. Elsewhere, Jacob is still missing and people are starting to notice a funny smell’ (subtitled for the working class).
11pm - Nigel’s Carol Countdown. ‘Farage takes us through his top 10 carols including: ‘Whiter Christmas, Bollocks to the World, O Little town of South Thanet, Big Donkey, We Three Kings of Leyton Orient, and The First Nigel’ (may contain excessive flag waving and craft ales).
10.45pm - The Dog Whisperer (Film) ‘Heart-warming Rom-Com from Richard Curtis about a secret and forbidden relationship between a toff politician and a Brexit Party dog from the Romford’ (contains scenes of industrial estates and fast food chains who have lost their licence).
9pm - ‘Your Children or Your Wife?’
Gavin Williamson hosts the right-wing quiz-show where contestants are made to risk their loved ones so they can win large wads of cash for a bunch of upper-class toffs who are missing their working-class servants. Co-hosted by the Grim Reaper.
Gavin Williamson hosts the right-wing quiz-show where contestants are made to risk their loved ones so they can win large wads of cash for a bunch of upper-class toffs who are missing their working-class servants. Co-hosted by the Grim Reaper.
10pm - Film: ‘Protection Ring’.
When an invisible serial killer starts murdering elderly residents of a provincial nursing home, under-fire Matt Hancock is a-man-with-a-plan who is convinced he can stop further deaths plaguing Dungate Manor. (Also starring Bill Oddie and Cher).
When an invisible serial killer starts murdering elderly residents of a provincial nursing home, under-fire Matt Hancock is a-man-with-a-plan who is convinced he can stop further deaths plaguing Dungate Manor. (Also starring Bill Oddie and Cher).
8pm - 8.02pm ‘ClapPity-Clap’
Disingenuous 2 minutes of clapping where officials take time out to self-congratulate each other for surviving another week of their own policies while the population are blamed for the steady rise in deaths (contains a lot of ‘Stay Alert’ soundbites)
Disingenuous 2 minutes of clapping where officials take time out to self-congratulate each other for surviving another week of their own policies while the population are blamed for the steady rise in deaths (contains a lot of ‘Stay Alert’ soundbites)
5pm - ‘Social Distancing Warrior UK’
Chris Kamara and Ben Shepherd follow a family on their walk as they try to safely pass increasingly difficult obstacles such as ignorant joggers, rude cyclists and ‘Karen’ sunbathing on a footpath (contains frequent moments of exasperation).
Chris Kamara and Ben Shepherd follow a family on their walk as they try to safely pass increasingly difficult obstacles such as ignorant joggers, rude cyclists and ‘Karen’ sunbathing on a footpath (contains frequent moments of exasperation).
11pm - Film: ‘Shitty Kiddie Bang Bang!’
Dark ‘what-if’ reimagining of the 1968 musical. Child Catcher (Michael Gove) has finally caught all those ‘nasty’ children, and is now testing their resistance to an illness plaguing all the grown-ups (co-stars Anne Longfield as a puppet).
Dark ‘what-if’ reimagining of the 1968 musical. Child Catcher (Michael Gove) has finally caught all those ‘nasty’ children, and is now testing their resistance to an illness plaguing all the grown-ups (co-stars Anne Longfield as a puppet).
9pm - Documentary: Who the F*** Do You Think You Are?
Series following People’s Champion, Danny Dyer, as he travels around the UK asking members of the public why they think Social Distancing rules don’t apply to them (contains excessive use of the term ‘plonker’ and ‘you mug’).
Series following People’s Champion, Danny Dyer, as he travels around the UK asking members of the public why they think Social Distancing rules don’t apply to them (contains excessive use of the term ‘plonker’ and ‘you mug’).
10pm - Film: ‘I Know Where You’ll Be This Summer’
Terror strikes the sleepy Isle of Wight community as they download a seemingly harmless app, unaware that it’s being used by a serial killer (Dominic Cummings) to stalk his victims based on their personal info and GPS location.
Terror strikes the sleepy Isle of Wight community as they download a seemingly harmless app, unaware that it’s being used by a serial killer (Dominic Cummings) to stalk his victims based on their personal info and GPS location.
9.30pm - Film: ‘The Old Dear Hunter’
Epic pandemic story, following a trio of Ministers (Hancock, Johnson, Gove) as they continue to believe they acted early enough to protect the residential elderly, and deny all the evidence to the contrary (contains a distinct lack of PPE).
Epic pandemic story, following a trio of Ministers (Hancock, Johnson, Gove) as they continue to believe they acted early enough to protect the residential elderly, and deny all the evidence to the contrary (contains a distinct lack of PPE).
9am - Think of a Number with Priti Patel.
Let your kids join Priti on a dazzling figures adventure to infinity and beyond, where they’ll discover made-up numbers like ‘three-hundred-thousand-and-thirty-four-nine-hundred-and-seventy-four-thousand!’ (may contain frequent smirking).
Let your kids join Priti on a dazzling figures adventure to infinity and beyond, where they’ll discover made-up numbers like ‘three-hundred-thousand-and-thirty-four-nine-hundred-and-seventy-four-thousand!’ (may contain frequent smirking).
2pm - Escape to the County
Hot-footing-it-while-having-symptoms, Dominic Cummings, visits his parents at their idyllic home in County Durham to test his theory about herd immunity and see if the wills are all signed (may contain double standards & presented by Laura Kuenssberg).
Hot-footing-it-while-having-symptoms, Dominic Cummings, visits his parents at their idyllic home in County Durham to test his theory about herd immunity and see if the wills are all signed (may contain double standards & presented by Laura Kuenssberg).
9pm - Not Going Out (One-Off Lockdown Special)
Lee, Tim and Daisy end up taking a hitchhiker (Dominic Cummings) to County Durham - and although Lucy has developed a worryingly bad cough, she’s still brought along to hand out the haribo (this episode will be repeated again later).
Lee, Tim and Daisy end up taking a hitchhiker (Dominic Cummings) to County Durham - and although Lucy has developed a worryingly bad cough, she’s still brought along to hand out the haribo (this episode will be repeated again later).
