DAY 212

NYT: We’re deep in the heart of Slidewhistle, Utah to speak with some voters. What do you think of President Poop-Flinging Monkey so far?

R: Well, I’m happy he’s pissing off the liberals

NYT: Really? why?

R: They looked down on me for voting for a poop-flinging monkey
DAY 561

WP: We have references for all 20,631 times President Poop-Flinging Monkey threw his poop while in office

R: How do you know other Presidents didn’t throw their poop just as much? HUH?

D: It would have made the headlines every night

DAY 874

D: The House of Representatives asserts that the President threw his poop at Chancellor Angela Merkel, which is an impeachable offense

R: FAKE NEWS! The Deep State is spreading vicious lies to bring down our President!

MONKEY: (flings poop)

R: Plus, Merkel deserved it

D1: I saw the Poop-Flinging Monkey flinging poop at Chancellor Merkel

R: That’s just hearsay

D2: I, too, saw the President flinging poop at Merkel

R: Also hearsay

MERKEL: Ich bin in kacke bedeckt

R: Yeah, but you could have smeared it all over yourself
DAY 1016

COOPER: We return live to the Poop-Flinging Monkey Rally, where the President is in his element

MONKEY: (poop-flinging frenzy)

LEMON: For obvious reasons, it’s very difficult to read the signs behind him

COOPER: The Democrats have their work cut out for them in 2020
LEMON: For Democrats to develop a strategy, they must first understand Poop-Flinging Monkey voters. Are they happy with the Poop-Flinging Monkey, or disappointed? Did he deliver as expected?

MONKEY: (flings poop)

COOPER: Are they better off now than they were four years ago?
COOPER: Even as I watch this rally full of Republicans cheering on an angry monkey flinging poop everywhere, I sense they may be growing weary of the bread & circuses

(Kanye West leads crowd in “POOPITY SCOOP!” chant)

LEMON: Perhaps they will come to terms with his limitations
DAY 1021

R: We have it on expertly-sourced authority that Hunter Biden threw poop at someone in Ukraine

D: No, that’s been debunked. He TOOK a poop in Ukraine, but that’s it

NYT: We need to hear from both sides of this controversy

DAY 1024

MONKEY: (flings poop at crowd)

R: I’m so glad we have a President who tells it like it is


R: How uncivilized! Those disrespectful Democrats need to mind their manners

MONKEY: (flings poop)

R: YEAH! It’s about time we had a President who fought back!
DAY 1029

MONKEY: (flings poop)

D: This is ridiculous. How can you keep supporting this President?

R: He’s just TROLLING you! 😂 And you silly liberals keep falling for it!

MONKEY: (flings poop)

D: Uh, does he do anything else


D: We contend that the poop found on Chancellor Merkel came from the Poop-Flinging Monkey

R: Witch hunt! That could be anybody’s poop!

D: Our forensic endocrinologist has determined that it is indeed monkey poop

R: That could be anybody’s monkey poop!
DAY 1033

BIDEN: I won’t say that supporters of the Poop-Flinging Monkey have anything wrong with their judgment

MONKEY: (flings poop at Biden)

BIDEN: If there’s one thing I’ve learned in American politics, it’s that it’s a very bad idea to call his supporters “deplorable”
DAY 1035

R: 53% of Republicans said the Poop-Flinging Monkey is a better POTUS than Lincoln

D: Oh, FFS. On what grounds?

R: His supporters cite “awesomeness” & “making liberals cry”

D: Let’s hear it for meritocracy

R: They also give him very high marks for “flinging poop”
DAY 1036

“Politics Over the Holidays”

WOMAN: Some people DO like the President who does nothing but fling poop everywhere, & others DON’T like the President who does nothing but fling poop everywhere

MAN: The important thing is to listen, & respect both sides
WOMAN: Now, you may hate the Poop-Flinging Monkey, but Uncle Bob really likes the Poop-Flinging Monkey

MAN: Just understand you will never, ever, ever, ever, EVER change his mind

WOMAN: Just try to have a nice family dinner

MAN: I mean seriously, it’s like the Borg got to them
R: Hello? I am deeply offended by the anti-Poop-Flinging-Monkey bias of your morning show, & demand balance more sympathetic to my views

WOMAN: Of course! After the break, my co-anchor will be replaced by a meme of the Poop-Flinging Monkey saying “NEENER NEENER”

MAN: Wait, what
DAY 1037

R: I am shunned by the so-called “tolerant” left for my unwavering support of the Poop-Flinging Monkey. My friends don’t return my calls. I’m a pariah at dinner parties. I get funny looks on the subway...

D: And why do you suppose that is

R: I blame the liberal media

🇹🇷: We oppose the NATO defense plan for Baltic countries

🇫🇷: Our Number One priority should be the defeat of ISIS

🇩🇪: We must devise a plan for NATO to survive the coming years

🇺🇸: (flings poop)

D: A monkey who does nothing but fling poop is unfit for office

R: Witch hunt! You didn’t even VOTE for the Poop-Flinging Monkey, did you?!

D: Uh.....

R: AHA! So you were ALWAYS against making a poop-flinging monkey our President!

MONKEY: (flings poop)
DAY 1042

R1: I can’t believe how unhinged the Democrats are acting

R2: Can you believe they want to impeach the Poop-Flinging Monkey?

R1: Why can’t they just let our President do what we elected him to do

MONKEY: (flings poop)

R2: There must be something wrong with them
DAY 1043

MONKEY: (flings poop)

D: The Poop-Flinging Monkey is unfit to lead this nation

R: That’s a Deep State conspiracy!

D: Excuse me?

R: Doesn’t it seem suspicious that the Democrats, the MSM, the FBI, & the NeverPoopers all say the exact same things about the President?
D: I find it fascinating how you can be endlessly skeptical of the veracity of the mainstream media, and yet not the least bit willing to doubt what your preferred media outlets tell you about the monkey who does nothing but fling his own poop


D: Oh, shut up
DAY 1044

KILMEADE: Welcome to Fox & Friends! Our guest is Kellyanne Conway

DOOCY: What do you say to those who think there’s something wrong with a poop-flinging President?

CONWAY: He only does that because liberals force us to use low-pressure toilets

DOOCY: Sounds plausible
DAY 1045 - CNN

COOPER: Our guest is conservative opinion-haver Reagan Deplorable

DEPLORABLE: The Poop-Flinging Monkey is the greatest President of all time (throws poop)

C: You know, I don’t think we’re going to have you back

D: You liberals and your “Cancel Culture”

D: In your report, does it say “The President threw poop at Angela Merkel” on Pages 34, 49, 78, 79, 80, 81, 82, 89, 93, and 102?


D: So do you recommend impeachment?

MUELLER: That’s not my job

DAY 1047

BARR: Our IG report reveals that Hillary Clinton covertly threw her own poop on Chancellor Merkel and framed the monkey for it

CLINTON: That’s the craziest thing I’ve heard since the last 12,000 things the GOP has accused me of


MONKEY: (flings poop)
DAY 1055 - CNN

LEMON: Today, President Poop-Flinging Monkey sent a strongly-worded letter to Nancy Pelosi

O’BRIEN: It’s just a blank sheet of paper covered in brown smudges

LEMON: Yes, but it’ll end up in the Library of Congress some day

O’BRIEN: Take THAT, Gettysburg Address
DAY 1056

R: Liberals are trying to outlaw Christmas

D: Oh, FFS; not this again

R: Thanks to the globalist secular muticulturalism of the Democrat Party, we can no longer enjoy Christmas trees, Santa Claus, tinsel, reindeer, eggnog, or Jesus Christ

D: That is not entirely true
R: But good Christian soldiers no longer need to live in fear!

D: Are you feeling OK

R: A new savior now walks among us! And what is his name?



(Vince Guaraldi music plays)

R: Merry Christmas! God bless us, everyone!

MONKEY: (flings poop)
DAY 1058

R1: Well, it finally happened

R2: The Democrats impeached the President

MONKEY: (flings poop)

R1: Don’t they know the Senate will protect him, no matter what?

MONKEY: (flings poop)

R2: Democrats have no idea how ridiculous they look right now

MONKEY: (flings poop)
DAY 1059
A Starbucks Coffee Emporium

R: Tee hee! I gave a fake name to trigger the liberals

D: Jesus, I can’t take you anywhere

R: Oh, this is it; here it comes


R: Goddamn it
DAY 1061

R: Leftists only hate the Poop-Flinging Monkey because they hate us!

D: Beg pardon?

R: They hate people like me, who want to indiscriminately fling poop everywhere & make absurd excuses for it

D: Oh, FFS


MONKEY: (flings poop)
DAY 1075

CNN: The Poop-Flinging Monkey has bypassed Congress to declare war on Iran

D: What a reckless thing to do


D: It just seems so poorly thought out


MONKEY: (flings poop)

R: U-S-A! 🇺🇸
DAY 1085

CNN: The Poop-Flinging Monkey spent yet another day flinging feces at passerby

FOX: The President is STRONG! He projects STRENGTH! And furthermore, STRONG STRONG STRONG!

MONKEY: (flings poop)

REUTERS: Early 2020 polls show the President leading by 5% in MI, WI, & PA
DAY 1088

CNN: Biden is handsy, out of touch, & doesn’t stand for much

MONKEY: (flings poop)

NYT: Sanders is rigid, divisive, & old AF

MONKEY: (flings poop)

WP: Leftists distrust Warren after flap with Sanders

MONKEY: (flings poop)

ALL: Why Are There No Electable Democrats?
U: Hi! I’m an undecided voter

D: I beg you: Vote Blue, No Matter Who

U: How childish. A functioning democracy means the Dems must actively WOO politically apathetic people in the 12 states that actually matter, or we all get the Poop-Flinging Monkey again

MONKEY: (flings poop)
DAY 1092

DERSHOWITZ: The President can throw poop at anyone he wants if he believes it serves the public interest

D: There’s no way that can be true

DERSHOWITZ: It must be true; I am a very famous lawyer

MONKEY: (flings poop)

R: YAY! Let’s hear it for the public interest!
DERSHOWITZ: The liberal media mischaracterized my argument as saying that the President can fling poop at anyone if he feels it’s in the public interest

D: So what’d you mean by that

DERSHOWITZ: Silly liberal media!

MONKEY: (flings poop)

DERSHOWITZ: I am a very famous lawyer
DERSHOWITZ: I never said it’s legal for the President to throw poop at anyone he wants to; only that it isn’t ALWAYS illegal for a President to throw poop

D: Yes, but you said it while defending the President in the case we are hearing right now

R: None of this matters anyway
DAY 1096

R1: The Iowa caucus had tech issues! They can’t do anything right

R2: LOL! 😂 This is so typical of Democrat leadership


R1: Thank God the Republican Party is in charge; people always know what to expect from us

MONKEY: (flings poop)
DAY 1101

COLLINS: I voted to let the Poop-Flinging Monkey off the hook, but I sincerely believe he learned his lesson & won’t do it again

CNN: We now bring you live to the President’s Post-Acquittal Gloatfest

MONKEY: (flings poop)

(🎶 band plays “Hail to the Chief” 🎶)
DAY 1104

STEPHENS: I didn’t vote for the Poop-Flinging Monkey, but I know why some did

MONKEY: (flings poop)

STEPHENS: It was the snickering moralists’ fault for telling us NOT to vote for him

MONKEY: (flings poop)

STEPHENS: It was appealing because it was forbidden fruit!
STEPHENS: The more Democrats complain about the Poop-Flinging Monkey, the more Republicans love him. That’s just science

MONKEY: (flings poop)

STEPHENS: The only thing we can do to stop Republicans from voting for him again out of spite is to ignore every lousy thing he does
DAY 1109

R: Bernie Sanders is a socialist who praised Fidel Castro

D: Well, he didn’t exactly—

R: How can the Democrats sink so low? We need a President who appreciates what our country is all about, and embodies the qualities that made America great

MONKEY: (flings poop)
DAY 1130

D: Look, all I’m saying is that our current President may not be prepared to handle the tremendous responsibility of keeping the nation’s citizens safe during a deadly pandemic

R: There you go playing the blame game again





MONKEY: (flings poop)
DAY 1131

R: Democrats WANT people to die of a deadly disease so they can blame the Poop-Flinging Monkey!

D: That’s ridiculous; we just think he’s not very well-suited to

MONKEY: (flings poop)

R: See? Disease cured!

D: That’s not how it works

DAY 1132

R: Please enjoy our 2020 campaign song



D: Oh, boy

R: Are we gonna get sued

SECRETARY: Pisces, Aquarius, Capricorn & Jones Ltd. on Line 1
DAY 1135

R: The Democrats are going to lose again because THE LEFT CAN’T THROW POOP

D: This is ridiculous; the Democrats want to raise the minimum wage, make health care affordable and protect women’s right to choose

MONKEY: (flings poop)

R: LMAO pwned
DAY 1136 - CNN

COOPER: While Biden & Sanders are thoughtful & capable, the question remains: can they appeal to Americans who like the poop-flinging monkey?

LEMON: They haven’t flung much poop at all

C: Well, maybe some of Bernie’s supporters

L: I think those are mostly bots
DAY 1142

D: Our President is completely ill-equipped to handle the Coronavirus

R: Nonsense! 87% of Americans expressed confidence that the Poop-Flinging Monkey will take care of it

D: What does that even mean

MONKEY: (flings poop)

DAY 1145

R: The Poop-Flinging Monkey calls for a National Day of Prayer

MONKEY: (flings poop)

D: He’s not acting all that differently


D: Nothing, but it’s a poor substitute for action


MONKEY: (flings poop)
DAY 1146

KERIK: This so-called “pandemic” is a global conspiracy to distract us from the unprecedented success of the Poop-Flinging Monkey

CLARKE: I blame George Soros

REGAN: Democrats will rue the day they accused us of being mindless cult followers

MONKEY: (flings poop)
DAY 1150

PETER ALEXANDER: Mr. President, in the wake of this global pandemic, a worried nation turns to you for guidance. How would you put their minds at ease?

MONKEY: (flings poop)


R: The liberal media is so divisive
DAY 1160

R: The global pandemic is the Democrats’ fault, because they distracted the Poop-Flinging Monkey with impeachment

D: But he never attended any of the hearings

R: Doesn’t matter; still distracted

D: But

R: Democrats’ fault, times infinity

MONKEY: (flings poop)
DAY 1163

R: First, the media exaggerates the pandemic. Then, they claim the Poop-Flinging Monkey is unprepared. Then, they attack the President with “Gotcha” questions. Then, they cackle with glee when people die!

MONKEY: (flings poop)

R: Clearly, the media cannot be trusted
DAY 1170

R: You DIM-o-CRAPS are such weak and fragile snowflakes. Did you know some of the people with COVID-19 died for completely unrelated reasons?

D: How do you know that

R: It’s true! You’re just trying to make the Poop-Flinging Monkey look bad

MONKEY: (flings poop)
DAY 1178

R1: Well, we’re still on lockdown

R2: This pandemic isn’t going away

R1: Nobody trusts the President

R2: And the governors are all working together without him

R1: I wonder why?

MONKEY: (flings poop)

R1: We know; you’re only trying to help
DAY 1185 - CNN

COOPER: In the wake of the global pandemic, we bring you the nightly public address from the President of the United States

MONKEY: (flings poop)

LEMON: Wait, why are we doing this again

COOPER: I think it’s called “teaching the controversy” or something
DAY 1186

GORKA: I’ll tell you why the Left hates the Poop-Flinging Monkey. They hate his masculinity! They have been taught that masculinity is toxic!

DEMS: Are you feeling OK

GORKA: They see a big, strong alpha male like him & they just recoil in horror

MONKEY: (flings poop)
DAY 1196

R: First, they laugh at the Poop-Flinging Monkey. Then, they fight the Poop-Flinging Monkey. Then the Poop-Flinging Monkey wins, & gets to run the country for four years

D: Aren’t there other principles we should maybe consider

R: No

MONKEY: (flings poop)
DAY 1198

D: Students are protesting a campus rally by the Poop-Flinging Monkey

R: Don’t those snowflakes have any respect for ideological diversity?

D: What’s that

R: An expression conservatives invented to imply that critics of our ideology are bigots

MONKEY: (flings poop)
R: You liberals believe in diversity, right? You wouldn’t discriminate based on race, gender or sexual orientation

D: Sure, but

R: So why would you discriminate against a Poop-Flinging Monkey

D: But we don’t want a monkey flinging poop all over the place

DAY 1200

D: It was unacceptable for the President to throw poop on Angela Merkel

R: Are you still repeating that MSM lie?

D: But there was evidence

R: That was debunked on RealPoopScoop dot com

D: But he throws poop everywhere else

R: But but but! 😂

MONKEY: (flings poop)
DAY 1201

R: You all have PFMDS! If Obama did and said the exact same things as the Poop-Flinging Monkey, the MSM would praise him

D: But Obama didn’t do the same things

R: I can declare that he did because Both Sides Bad

D: That’s insane

MONKEY: (flings poop)

DAY 1202
Trial Run at Disney’s “Hall of Presidents”

- -

CLINTON: “We do better when we work together.”

BUSH: “America will not forget.”

OBAMA: “We are a nation of immigrants.”

MONKEY: (flings poop)

- -

EISNER: Hmm; needs work

EMPLOYEE: Can I trouble you for some Purell
DAY 1203

CNN: There are reports of two White House employees sick with the virus

R: The President is outraged; how dare those careless employees risk infecting him with a potentially deadly disease

MONKEY: (flings poop)

R: Don’t they know the meaning of the word “sanitary”
DAY 1204

R: You liberals are brainwashed by the Fake News Media, who lie about the President every day

D: What did they lie about

R: They said he threw poop at Angela Merkel

D: He throws poop at everybody

R: That’s not evidence

D: Dozens of people saw him do it

R: Hearsay
D: Merkel testified in front of the Senate covered in monkey poop

R: The monkey was framed by Democrats

D: This is lunacy

R: Maybe you Democrats should end this pointless WITCH HUNT and let our President do what we elected him to do

MONKEY: (flings poop)
DAY 1205

And Now, a Mother’s Day Greeting from the President of the United States

MONKEY: (flings poop)

D: That’s disgusting

R: And people like you are precisely why he’s going to win again

D: What?

DAY 1206

D: So why isn’t the Poop-Flinging Monkey wearing a mask

R: Masks are for the weak! America voted for a strong, powerful alpha male who doesn’t care about their feelings!

D: Or science, or literacy, or medical research

R: Democrats just don’t understand leadership
R: A President should be strong, powerful, & confident! How would it look if he was a wimpy ‘fraidy-cat who was scared of catching a little virus? He’d be the laughingstock of the world!

D: Um...

MONKEY: (flings poop)

R: Isn’t it better to have a leader we can all be proud of?
DAY 1210

R: The President has a game-changing announcement to make

D: Dude; he’s a monkey. He may be capable of making sounds, but you’ll be bending over backwards if you try to ascribe any real meaning to them


R: Aha!

D: Jesus

MONKEY: (flings poop)
DAY 1211

R: Obama addressed graduating seniors on TV last night, but the current President wasn’t invited. How disrespectful!

D: Maybe they didn’t think he’d be very inspiring

R: It’s not about content; it’s about fairness

MONKEY: (flings poop)

R: I blame the liberal media
R: We all know Obama is a great speaker. He’s “slick”, he’s “polished”, he reads “books”, and likely has a “3-digit IQ”. But there’s more to being a leader than just making speeches!

MONKEY: (flings poop)

R: Unlike shallow Hollywood liberals, we are much more focused on results
DAY 1212

WOODS: The Poop-Flinging Monkey is not “articulate”. His hygiene is problematic. But he loves America more than any President of my lifetime!

D: On what grounds are you basing this assessment


MONKEY: (flings poop)
DAY 1213

CILLIZZA: Yes, the Poop-Flinging Monkey is an unlikable jerk. But he’s an unlikable jerk that gets stuff done!

D: Like what?

C: Doesn’t matter. He gets stuff done, & that’s what’s important

MONKEY: (flings poop)

C: The Dems certainly have their work cut out for them
DAY 1214

MONKEY: (flings poop)

D: That’s disgusting

R: HA! You’ve fallen right into his trap

D: How so

R: He flings poop to distract you from all of the other terrible things that he’s doing, and you libs keep falling for it

MONKEY: (flings poop)

R: He’s a goddamned genius
R: The monkey flings poop to distract you from the crashing economy & the investigations against him & the death count of the global pandemic

D: Maybe these problems would be solved if our President approached them differently

R: What kinda globalist beta LOSER are you, anyway
DAY 1216

MONKEY: (flings poop) (flings poop) (flings poop) (flings poop)

D: The President seems nervous; maybe it’s the new polls

R: He’s just doing what the people elected him to do!

MONKEY: (flings poop) (flings poop) (flings poop)

R: Promises made; promises kept
DAY 1217

R: We love our President because he is succeeding despite your criticizing him every step of the way

D: Is he, now

R: You said he’d be a disaster, accomplishing nothing of value and just throwing poop everywhere. Well, who’s laughing now, libs?

MONKEY: (flings poop)
DAY 1218

D: 100,000 have died so far

R: It’s China’s fault; they let it happen

MONKEY: (flings poop)

R: It’s Obama’s fault; he left us unprepared

MONKEY: (flings poop)

R: It’s Cuomo’s fault because nursing homes

MONKEY: (flings poop)

R: We love our Poop-Flinging Monkey! He is strong, masculine, & takes no guff. He is making America objectively great again!

MONKEY: (flings poop)

R: And the tiny handful of bad things like unemployment & corruption & the deadliest pandemic in a century are all Democrats’ fault
DAY 1219

D: So why isn’t the President wearing a mask

R: He doesn’t need one! He protects himself by taking Dr. Whistlestop’s Miracle Monkey Medicine

D: Is that safe?

R: Of course!

CNN: Hospitals report 200 new patients infected by Dr. Whistlestop’s Miracle Monkey Medicine
COHEN: Hey, does anybody remember that time last year when I testified that Dr. Whistlestop funneled a quarter of a trillion dollars into the Poop-Flinging Monkey’s bank account

R: Fake News!

COHEN: I helped him do it

R: How can we trust a man who clearly reeks of monkey poop
DAY 1220

R: The Poop-Flinging Monkey is brilliant, wise, and is making America great again

D: The monkey is letting the country disintegrate under a deadly pandemic while he does nothing but fling poop

MONKEY: (flings poop)

R: Clearly, you Democrats are brainwashed by CNN
MONKEY: (flings poop)

D: See? He did it again

R: The Democrats threw that poop

D: I just saw the monkey do it!

R: Again with your CNN talking points

MONKEY: (flings poop)

D: But he just

R: Nope; CNN

D: What on God’s grey Earth is wrong with you imbeciles

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