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HOW TO SURVIVE BEING A WOMAN IN A FANTASY BOOK WRITTEN BY A MAN: AN INSTRUCTIVE THREAD
1. DO NOT BE ANYONE'S MOTHER, ESPECIALLY THE HERO'S MOTHER
You see, the hero's mother MUST die because otherwise, how would the hero have feelings? We know fantasy men can't just organically FEEL things, they have to be FORCED to feel things, usually by having their mother die
You see, the hero's mother MUST die because otherwise, how would the hero have feelings? We know fantasy men can't just organically FEEL things, they have to be FORCED to feel things, usually by having their mother die
2. DO NOT BE ANYONE'S WIFE, ESPECIALLY THE HERO'S WIFE
If you and the hero are married BEFORE the plot begins then, um, welp, I have some bad news for you. Remember what I said before about a hero needing to be forced to feel things? A wife's death is just as good as a mother's
If you and the hero are married BEFORE the plot begins then, um, welp, I have some bad news for you. Remember what I said before about a hero needing to be forced to feel things? A wife's death is just as good as a mother's
3. DO NOT BE THE HERO'S YOUNG DAUGHTER
Especially do not be under 10 years old around the beginning of the plot. Being blonde, cherubic, precocious, and your father's favorite are all REALLY REALLY BAD. If you HAVE to be the hero's daughter be ugly & a brat. It's safer
Especially do not be under 10 years old around the beginning of the plot. Being blonde, cherubic, precocious, and your father's favorite are all REALLY REALLY BAD. If you HAVE to be the hero's daughter be ugly & a brat. It's safer
4. DO NOT BE "TOO MUCH" OF A WOMAN
Do not be feminine. Fantasy books written by men love to kill women who are feminine because it is important to make sure anything soft/pretty/gentle/etc. is violently & utterly destroyed. I don't know WHY it's important but apparently it is
Do not be feminine. Fantasy books written by men love to kill women who are feminine because it is important to make sure anything soft/pretty/gentle/etc. is violently & utterly destroyed. I don't know WHY it's important but apparently it is
5. DO NOT BELIEVE IN THE BASIC GOODNESS OF HUMANITY
Man fantasies LOVE making sure their readers know humanity is a seething wormy cesspool of awfulness. Again, I'm not sure WHY but if you are optimistic & forgiving, you're probably going to die to Prove A Point.
Man fantasies LOVE making sure their readers know humanity is a seething wormy cesspool of awfulness. Again, I'm not sure WHY but if you are optimistic & forgiving, you're probably going to die to Prove A Point.
6. BE A TOUGH WARRIOR FIGHTING WOMAN (SOMETIMES)
This doesn't ALWAYS work (as we'll see) but generally the woman who isn't like all those other girls & likes swords & armor & SWEARS LIKE A MAN & basically is written like a man but with big tits survives a lot longer than others
This doesn't ALWAYS work (as we'll see) but generally the woman who isn't like all those other girls & likes swords & armor & SWEARS LIKE A MAN & basically is written like a man but with big tits survives a lot longer than others
7. DON'T HAVE SEX BUT ALSO DON'T NOT HAVE SEX
Fantasy books written by men love to punish women who have sex with lots of people BUT women who DON'T HAVE SEX are also punished. So this is a tough one to navigate. Having sex with the hero SOMETIMES works? But it's not foolproof
Fantasy books written by men love to punish women who have sex with lots of people BUT women who DON'T HAVE SEX are also punished. So this is a tough one to navigate. Having sex with the hero SOMETIMES works? But it's not foolproof
8. DON'T BE IN LOVE WITH THE HERO UNLESS YOU'RE 100% SURE YOU AND THE HERO ARE ENDGAME
This is an exception to the warrior woman rule. B/c if you're the warrior woman in love with the hero & he loves someone else, you'll probably die to save him b/c....you were written by a man
This is an exception to the warrior woman rule. B/c if you're the warrior woman in love with the hero & he loves someone else, you'll probably die to save him b/c....you were written by a man
9. DO BE A CRONE
Crones are underrated. Crones are not Sexy so they don't have to worry about making the hero feel things. They're not mothers/daughters/warriors. They're pretty powerful & the hero often needs their help. They're also cynical & thus don't need to be destroyed
Crones are underrated. Crones are not Sexy so they don't have to worry about making the hero feel things. They're not mothers/daughters/warriors. They're pretty powerful & the hero often needs their help. They're also cynical & thus don't need to be destroyed
10. DO BE A DOWAGER
Much like the Crone, Dowagers are powerful unsexy cynics who the hero often needs in order to complete their mission. Dowagers ARE mothers, which can be slightly dangerous but usually aren't the HERO'S mother, thus do not cause Feelings.
Much like the Crone, Dowagers are powerful unsexy cynics who the hero often needs in order to complete their mission. Dowagers ARE mothers, which can be slightly dangerous but usually aren't the HERO'S mother, thus do not cause Feelings.
11. DON'T BE A PEASANT
Peasants are always getting slaughtered in order to give the hero some sort of justification for slaughtering other types of people en masse. Peasant WOMEN are in even MORE danger because, you know, pathos. Dead women are the Only True Source of Feelings
Peasants are always getting slaughtered in order to give the hero some sort of justification for slaughtering other types of people en masse. Peasant WOMEN are in even MORE danger because, you know, pathos. Dead women are the Only True Source of Feelings
12. REMEMBER EVEN IF YOU ARE YOUNG & SEXY & THE HERO IS IN LOVE WITH YOU & YOU SOMEHOW SURVIVE TO THE END OF THE BOOK DESPITE ALL THE ODDS
there's gonna be a sequel.
there's gonna be a sequel.
Anyway I hope this thread has helped you in your quest to not be murdered in order to make a man feel things. If you appreciate my advice, consider leaving a bit of coin on your way out http://ko-fi.com/ellegato
