To us he might look like a shitting clown but to the average Ilkley voter he looks like Zeus with an erection, jamming with Prince

To us he looks like a great mound of solidified custard with pubes and lies stuck in it but to the average punter in Ramsbottom he looks like Caesar fucking Jane Birkin in a bath full of cash

To you and I he may seem like a shaved horny Labrador with brain damage but to your Oswaldtwistle housewife he's Brian Blessed punching Hitler on a horse made of cocks

To the likes of us he's as though Mussolini was made of Vitalite and kept fingering debs but to Joe Flatcap from Kirby Lonsdale he's King Arthur escaping from a German PoW camp to win the world cup with legs made of solid tits

We might think him a less attractive Billy Bunter with his dick stuck in a box of wasps, but the stout townsvolk of Barnoldswick see him as a one man Beatles turning our island nation into a shagfest Valhalla of tumescent national greatness

To the oh so clever people of Twitter he's the fat lovechild of Brian Jones and a fascist raccoon but to the simple peasants of Halifax he's like being invited to a gangbang with all the Thundercats

To the avocado sipping denizens of Twitter he looks like if you tried to sculpt Idi Amin out of rancid lemon curd but to Keith Gormless from Brexit-on-the-Ribble he's making every day feel like that one time he made his wife come

To the pumpkin spiced latte quaffers of oh so fashionable Twitter he's the Andrex Puppy with priapism only all the loo rolls are smeared with actual human shit, but to the gentle burghers of Kingston Upon Hull he's 68 comeback Elvis knobbing Fleabag on a spaceship full of coke

To the bien pesant naysayers of Twitter dot com he's like a bollock going to a fancy dress party as an evil baby chicken but to the yeomen of scunthorpe he's Sean Connery kicking ten fucks out of ming the merciless on Concorde

To the metrosexual pulled pork fanciers of liberal elite Twitter he's a Nazified Winnie the Pooh only with home counties muff instead of honey, but to thick as mince scum from Burnley he's literally Geoff Capes

Now buy my damn novel please https://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/1912240033?ie=UTF8&tag=robpalkwriter-21&camp=1634&linkCode=xm2&creativeASIN=1912240033

To the latte huffing cosmopolitans of remoaniac knobhead Twitter he looks like a hungover worzel gummidge, clutching a wreath in the manner you'd pick up an unflushable tampon, but to viewers of the BBC he strangely doesn't

To the limp wristed degenerates of twitter he looks like a 70s sitcom husband trying to explain to the vicar why his cock is in a bale of hay, only somehow more racist, but to the stout scumfolk of North Shields he's a weekend with the cast of Hollyoaks & a jumbo jar of lube

Well this aged well

To the mask wearing soy aficionados of decadent Primrose Hill, Ed Miliband just "tore him a new one" but to the red wall dwelling scumfolk of Little Covidston, he's the Duke of Wellington getting wanked off by Kate Moss while piloting a Spitfire to the moon