A FEW THINGS THE OLDER MEN I DATE WHEN I WAS 18-21 SAID TO ME AND WHY THOSE THINGS WERE MANIPULATIVE, ABUSIVE, GROSS STATEMENTS: A THREAD

Hey it's ur old pal Elle here, willing to lay bare the awful awful experiences of my youth in order to teach you about gross manipulative things men say to young girls. I do this because I care, friends. And also if it helps someone not be me? It's worth it

Because I was the Perfect Storm of Vulnerabilities when I was younger: shy, lacking confidence, pretty, desperate for validation, unsure of how to actually forge healthy connections with other human beings I was like a BEACON for dudes 25+ who wanted that Barely Legal Experience

I made bad choices and did bad things and I live with those memories. But my bad choices do not justify the treatment I received from men who should have known better. But if anything positive came from it, I learned to recognize some WARNING PHRASES they all used

1. YOU'RE SO MATURE FOR YOUR AGE

Yeah this is the classic. Simple! Direct! A load of absolute crap! Because I don't care how ""mature"" I seemed, I was 18 and I was a kid.

""Mature"" is a way of culling you from the herd for men like this. "Oh you're not like other girls your age! You're far too mature for boys who aren't more than ten years older than you!"

It's all about separating you from people who are much more suitable for you

It's meant to be a compliment of course. WOW THIS 35 YEAR OLD DUDE THINKS THAT I, A LITERAL TEENAGER, AM SO MATURE!!! For girls like me it's validating, to think I was that much more than the people around me. But no 18 year old is mature in the same way as a 35-year-old

A 30+ year old has had more experiences, has amassed more resources, has developed more networks, has dealt with things that are still in the future for most 18-year-olds. Maturity isn't just about reading bigger books than the rest of your age cohort. It's a set of conditions

and trust me....no 18 year old meets all of those conditions

2. AGE DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING!!!

Ah yes. Age ain't nothing but a number. Is that from a song? I feel like it is but I don't feel like googling it. Anyway.

Just by virtue of being alive longer, an older person will have more of a lot of things; as I said above, an older person has more experiences and they have therefore built up the necessary processing methods to DEAL with those experiences.

Kids don't have those methods

When I was 18, even though I'd been through a lot personally, my ability to process things was still that of a teenager's. I wasn't equipped to handle things the way someone in their 30s would. I didn't have that well to draw from, that fully-formed brain thing you know?

Someone with more experiences/assets/whatever due to age has more power than someone who isn't as well equipped. Power imbalances in a relationship lead to manipulation and outright abuse. It's setting the stage for danger.

3. WHAT ABOUT THIS OTHER AGE GAP? WOULD YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT?

This was specifically used on me when a dude told me about his aunt who, at 35 married a 56 year old guy. And I swear he was like Judge Judy when he said it, supremely confident in his ULTIMATE JUDGEMENT

Again. AGE. MATTERS.

A 35-year-old woman has had the time to grow that an 18-year-old has not. There's a lot less of a difference between someone in their mid-30s and someone in their mid-50s than there is between an 18-year-old and someone in their mid-30s.

I mean this should be obvious right???? I'm turning 34 this year and I am incredibly, unimaginably different than I was at 18. The fact that dudes try to pull this whataboutism is just more manipulative nonsense

4. I CAN GIVE YOU MORE THAN SOMEONE YOUR AGE EVER COULD

Oh god. THIS ONE.

What sucks about this one is in the most technical way it's true. I dated a dude who was 33 when I was 19. He lived in New York City, he could afford to take me to fancy restaurants and buy expensive alcohol and he drove a car that hadn't been owned by 5 other people previously

But you know what happened?

I was utterly powerless in that relationship. He was in control. Everything came from him so he decided what we did, where we went, who we talked to, even what I should wear and how I should act. And I felt like I had to listen to him.

Because I was just this kid who made like 500$ a month with my shitty work-study job at college. I had no power. And I ended up walking away because I just...would sit there like a thing, not a person. And it hurt.

No fancy ANYTHING is worth that.

5. NO ONE YOUR AGE WILL EVER MAKE YOU HAPPY/KEEP YOU HAPPY

This is another version of "you're so mature!!" and it's insidious as heck because it leaves you beholden to the dude

"No one your age will make you happy" turns into "you will be miserable with anyone but me." It makes you think "wow I'm lucky this older dude wants to be with me because otherwise I'll be miserable so I better do whatever I can to make him happy"

and...whew.

Look.

You can be happy with people your own age. I PROMISE YOU. I do. You can find people your own age who like the things you like, who feel the way you do about the world, who care about what you care about.

You don't need a 30+ dude to fulfill that need

6. THE ALADDIN LINE, or "I CAN SHOW YOU THE WORLD"

One of the """""benefits""""" of a significantly older dude for an 18-year-old is how he can supposedly """"teach"""" you things

blarrrgh

lemme give this one to you bluntly: a dude who wants to teach you is a dude who wants to control you

It's paternalistic nonsense. They want to take you, an unformed lump of (sexy) clay & mold you in their image of what a woman should be. They want to use their age as leverage saying "I know better & I want to share my knowledge with you, young (sexy) child (who I want to fuck)"

Are you paying tuition? Can this guy confer upon you a degree? No? Then you don't need him to teach you anything.

7. I CAN TAKE CARE OF YOU

ok this is the last one although I know there are plenty more I could have added but hey, my ability to talk about this trauma only goes so far!!

ugh this one's bad.

I grew up without a father and thus, my relationships with men have been informed at least to an extent by that. It sucks!! And wanting to be taken care of, to be protected and cherished is a human thing. It's natural. It's seductive. It's dangerous

When you grow up without being cared for, or being cared for in toxic ways you're hungry. I know. Believe me. You just desperately want to believe someone out there wants to keep you safe just because they do, just because you're worth being safe and loved. It hurts.

If I could go back in time and tell my 18-year-old self anything it'd be "you don't need to fuck older men to find people who care about your safety and well-being. You don't need to sacrifice yourself, your dignity, your autonomy for that."

Older dudes know who to prey on. They know what to look for. They know what to say. And if you're sucked in by it, it's not your fault. I swear to you, it's not your fault and you're not "damaged" or whatever because of it, you're a kid and you have so much time to grow & learn

and you will find people who love you the way you deserve to be loved <3

Ok well if you uh...not had fun but uh if you found this helpful please consider leaving me a small tip so I can care for my many cats!! http://Ko-fi.com/ellegato 

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Also god I shouldn't have to say this but if you come into my mentions telling me how you met your spouse when you were 18 and he was 50 and you're so in love and everything is great and IT CAN WORK!!!! I'm gonna block you because sure I guess? Good for you??? But I don't care

Sure I guess maybe 1 out of 100000000 of these relationships can ""work"" but for the most part??? They're toxic and dangerous and manipulative and I don't need your personal biography clogging up my mentions