12 years ago I was in Ayia Napa being a Christina Aguilera tribute act for a company that turned out to be a money laundering operation for the Cypriot mafia. Anyway, one day I couldn't afford to eat and I just ate a full jar of Nutella I'd bought the week before.

This job was insane, I was meant to be there for 6 months and came home after 3. When I started the job there were about 40 tribute acts and by the time I left they were down to single figures.

The company owners used to pick us up for gigs in a minibus and drop us one by one at our venues which could be anything from a luxury 5-star hotel to an Only Fools and Horses themed bar called Trotters that played DVDs of Only Fools and Horses on screens behind me while I sang.

The Elvis tribute SORT of sounded like Elvis but only for half an octave so if a song went higher than he could (which it always did coz real Elvis was AMAZING) he would just change the key so it was still in his register even though the backing track's key didn't change.

The Michael Jackson tribute was a 21-year-old ginger Welsh guy who would white up for the show and part of his between-songs patter was asking the audience if he could babysit their kids. His big finale was Westlife's You Raise Me Up.

PS He would sing like MJ but then just talk to the audience in his regular Welsh accent.

Once one of the bosses picked me up in the minibus as an emergency replacement for a gig and we had to get there really fast so he was driving like a nutter and he was also running with sweat and his eyes were CRAZY. I said "are you ok?" and he said "yeah, I'm on crystal meth".

On the first day they lined up all the tribute acts in front of a wall in a flat and took our pictures for the posters. We all looked like we were in a Romanian prison in our publicity images. Here is mine. This was literally what they sent to promoters.

The Ricky Martin tribute act was an ex-professional Latin dancer and he is now one of the pros on the Latvian Strictly.

I shared a 2-bed flat with the Justin Timberlake tribute and we were top pals but he was always leaving his window open and GIANT cockroaches would fly in then he'd bring girls back to the flat coz he was a right 2007 Casanova.

He was scared of cockroaches and I wasn't so more than once I'd have to go in his room and get a cockroach out while a screaming half-nude woman stood on the bed and he hovered near the door sheepishly saying "thanks Sooz".

There were stray cats EVERYWHERE and they were pretty friendly so OF COURSE I hung out with them so much. This one was my favourite and we all called him The Gary Barlow Cat.

The Freddie Mercury tribute had to go home after just 4 days because it turned out he couldn't sing. He'd auditioned for the job, got the job, was bought a costume, was sent home.

One night I showed up at the end of the Abba's tribute show to have a drink with my friend who was Agnetha and she was just leaning on the wall next to the stage smoking a fag while the Anni-Frid was onstage singing The Winner Takes It All and nobody was in the bar.

We lived above a restaurant called Shenanigans and our entrance was round the back up some steps and you often would be greeted on the steps by rats the size of Jack Russells.

I had bleached blonde hair in Napa and bought some clip in red extensions for Xtina gigs and I had to throw them out after a baby tarantula was on them and I sprayed it with an entire can of bug spray.

Ayia Napa was where I learned I am built from iron. We were advised not to drink the tap water but I did and told everyone it was fine, just a bit chlorine-flavoured so everyone drank it and got terrible diarrhoea and I was like "I'M FINE THO".

Same thing happened when a bunch of us went to the KFC-style chain on the island, SDC (Southern Dixieland Chicken) and everyone got food poisoning except me and we renamed it Sudden Death Chicken.

When I arrived at the airport one of the bosses was holding a sign but not with my name on it, just with a picture of Christina Aguilera torn from a magazine only it wasn't Christina Aguilera, it was Anastacia and it's a good job I went over and queried who they were waiting for.

After collecting me they took me to an apartment and made me sing in the lounge to check I was up to the job. I sang Candyman and Beautiful with backing tracks. But literally the first 4 hours of the job looked like something from a TV drama about sex trafficking.

I've gained nearly 80 new followers from this thread so thank you Ayia Napa, you may have resembled a Soviet Vegas but you sure gave back in the end.

The company was called Thatss Entertainment. There are no typos in what I just wrote.

I just had a look for pictures from this job but I can't find anything that sums up how insane it was so here I am post-gig looking the most like me I've ever looked.

The most on-brand Sooz thing of all time just happened. I was looking at my lovely replies and thinking about the lovely show I did tonight when....

Thank you to the lovely strangers behind me who gave me wet wipes, antibacterial gel and support when my bag and I got covered in drunk white girl sick. This was my seat.

Trust me, I have loads more to tweet about April-July 2007 in Ayia Napa tomorrow.

And hi new followers, you should know that my Twitter is mostly me telling you about weird things I've done, pics of my cats and shitposting about Sonic.

PS Get the Tories out!

Oh, and I have a video of me performing in Napa too. And I MIGHT share it. I might.

Ugh, right, OK, here is me AS Xtina. First time EVER performing as her and I am aware it is AWFUL. I was terrified and the whole job never should have happened because I auditioned to be Shirley Bassey TRUE STORY

Anyway, here are my tips for being a top Xtina tribute act.

Here is me singing now, I can't leave you all thinking Xtina tribute aged 22 was the peak of my singing. Featuring @musoed on keys and @LaurenceOwen on bass, follow them.

Have had a handful of replies from people thinking I made all of this up. WHAT a strange thing to make up!

"Where are they now, Sooz?"

The Cher is now a puppeteer in Legoland.

I'm gonna be on @bbcasiannetwork at about 3.20 for the @EmilyLloydSaini Show talking about what it was like in Ayia Napa if you want more juice but this time said out loud.

One of my regular venues was called Hotel Brilliant. Guess whether or not that name was apt...go on...I’ll give you a clue: more than once the pool had to be evacuated because someone had shat in it during the gig.

More. Than. Once.

This just came up in my Facebook memories.

I just remembered that some of my Christina Aguilera backing tracks had backing vocals on them and I'd bought the cheapest tracks I could possibly find and all the backing singers were totally from eastern Europe. "Tarzan and Jane were swinging from a vine" sounded so Soviet.