In a funny mood today. Sort of want to spend all day making up names of people who are REALLY INTO BBQ. All "Ulysses Corncob" and "Tucker Calford"

"Hi, I'm Moses H Curlicue and I make the best pulled pork in the state"

"I'm Cooper Eldon, my hot sauce has made me rich"

"The name's Jackson Calhoun and I deep-fried a car"

"I'm Mason Gracy, and I cook the meanest shrimp ion town"

"This here is Hosea Jefferson and he's known as the Slaw King"

God dammit now I have remembered this perfect and brilliant Achewood strip: http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02022009

"Welcome to the stage Buford Tibericus Houlahan, four times winner of the Georgia State BBQ Competition"

"I'm Ruford Bellwether, of Bellwether's Bar 'n' Grill"

I reckon if I keep doing this I'll come up with a real one. Some dude called Telemachus Brixton with a huge red beard and a truck he calls "Sheila" searching his name on twitter and asking why I'm talking about his BBQ rub.

"My name is Taffy Dixon, and my ribs paid for my second home"

“I’m Morton Bailey, and I burst fully formed out of a BBQ pig, three years ago today”

“I’m Denver Menaleus, and invented a secret mustard”

"Introducing Hermes Anderson, tri-state Crawdad King"

"My name's Andouille Pinkerton, master of marinades"

"My name is Euripides Milton, and I can barbecue the moon"

"I'm Jeremiah T Balderthorn, and I bleed salt"

"I'm Balthazar Lion, Nugget King of Arizona"

"Howdy. I'm Glendrick Houston. My mac 'n' cheese has reduced great men to their kneees."

"My name is Tug Lafayette, and I cook low and slow, like the eerie noises rising from the ocean's endless depths"

“They call me Lucifer StClaire, and you might say I know a thing or two about cooking it Cajun style”

“I’m Rusty Creole and there’s two things in life I love. My barbecue, and my gun.”

“I’m Anger DeSalles, but most folks call me Grill”

"I'm Blanton Mulvane, and my smoke mix contains pieces of the true cross"

"I'm Odysseus Yuletide and I will barbecue my toothpaste, so help me god"

"My name is Boreman S. Forthright, and the queue around my BBQ shop can last a week!"

"I'm Rollo Bunting, Buffalo Master"

"I'm Chauncy DeLoitte, and I sell hotdogs"

"Hey there, I'm Bufton Tatwell, and I've been making jerky since before I could speak"

"I'm Burke L. Scheherazade, and I come from a long line of chicory sumbitches"

"My name is Stivichall T Branderfasty, and I've been barbecuing the same side of beef since 1983. I reckon it's about half done"

"I'm Josephat L Lionbridge. My gravy is the last thing the holy taste before being welcomed to heaven by God Almighty"

“Listen up, this here is Silas Rudebaker, and he embalmed a pig in BBQ sauce and buried it in a cairn”

“I’m Solomon Balthazar, and what I don’t know about ribs ain’t worth knowin’”

“The name’s Agamemnon H Sharazad, and my beans bring people together”

"They call me Grisham Abernathy, and I'm gonna teach you to respect The Pit"

"Lucian Vanderbilt's the name, and I'm the King Midas of melt-in-your-mouth tenderness. It makes pet ownership HARD"

"I'm Josiah Denver, the Tallahassee Paprika King"

"Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to introduce Zedekiah Marlborough, who can get a sweet, smoky flavor out of a car tire. And will."

"This here is Solomon Agnew, whose ends are burnt and whose slaw is cole"

"I'm Morton Tension, and I'm the answer to "What's the beef?""

"Howdy y'all. I'm Rawhide Standpipe, and the last time I saw a vegetable was 1973"

"I'm Merton Hasbach, and my hot sauce CAN melt steel beams"

"Ain't never seen no BBQ PitMaster like Deacon James, the Brisket King"

"Allow me to introduce Stucker Hadley, the only man in Georgia who barbecues his clothes"

"Welcome to the stage Burden Buchanan Benedict, the Duke of Dry Cure"

"I've been waiting all my life to meet Theseus Springton, and let me tell you, the odour alone didn't disappoint."

"The name's Caduceus StClare, and chickens have learned to fear my shadow"

"Here he is, folks, Prescott Johnson, and his blood type is SAUCE"

"Nice to meet you, fellas, my name's Cupson Balls, the Rib Magician of Georgia"

"Well, howdy, folks, I'm Hudson Halderhoff, and there ain't no better pig smoker that's ever taken breath"

"They call me Abernathy Hasstleback. If you give me a barbeque, I'll give you the world"

"I'm Slap Mantra, The Lobster's Reckoning"

"Howdy y'all, you have the honor of being in the presence of Grant Blanson, who's never seen a pig he didn't eat"

"Welcome to the stage the BBQ King of Kings, Hezekiah Dixon"

"Ladies and gentlemen, this right here is Uzziah Theodore, who can french fry a shrimp at a glance"

"I'm Pekahiah Elswood, and as they say, "Where there's smoke, there's Pekahiah Elswood, smoking some meat. Because that what he does." Because that's what I do"

"Please be upstanding for "Tallboy" Ruddiger III, the only man in Texas to marry his coal"

"Welcome Ryeback Calston to the stage, and don't look directly at his sauce for it ain't meant for human eyes"

"Good to meet y'all. I'm Morton Jehoash, and I've brined an pickled my home"

"My name is Arameus Creedmore, and I'm the guy the pope turns to when he needs advice on grillin'"

"Folks, you are standing in the presence of Morton Bradley, the only man alive to barbecue his beef in utero"

"Howdy y'all, I'm Custer Dreadnought. Ribs. Ribs. RIBS."

"Good morning to ya! I'm Morton Ezekiel, the first man in Texas to barbecue the sky"

"Howdy folks, my name's Zephaniah Tyrrell, and my hot links are whispered about behind closed doors"

"Well gee whizz, if'n it ain't Damocles DeLange, owner and proprietor of Damocles' Rub Tub"

"This here is "Ornery" Bryson Tadwell. Now, don't let the nickname fool ya - he's the most affable sumbitch to ever smoke a beast"

"Greetins to ya, ma'am. I'm Alderhassy Pontoon. You heard'a sausages? That was me."

"Howdy y'all. I'm Grantham DeSalles, and I intend to cure world hunger like I cure my bacon"

"Please welcome to the stage Cyrus Croesus, Slow-cookin' King of Louisiana"

"Well lookee here, we gots ourselves Albertus Bailey, The Man Who Fist-Faught Slaw"

The name's Remus Tanderhassy, and if you eat my burnt ends, you'll know that my burnt ends have been ate.

Well howdy, I'm Gamblin' Pat Tabernacle, and you sure ain't takin no bets when you try my hotlinks

Welcome to the stage Magic Jack Calhoun, the Kansas brisket wizard

Up next is Morton Aldershot, who'll barbecue a butterflied chicken, and deep-fry a chickened butterfly, and ain't no man in creation who can stop him.

Winner of the Tri-State brisket fight, Clarence Meriwether, here to show you that his bark is just as tasty as his bite.

"Here comes Tiberius 'Bearclaw' Dobbson, who injects his hams with other, larger hams"

"The winner of today's competition is Hyrus Roosevelt, who blew us away with his Forbidden Ribs"

"I'm Templeton StClaire, and my dry rub has flavours they ain't even invented yet"

"You ain't heard-a Flint Gristle? My god. He's the man who married his barbecue and barbecued his marriage"

"My name's Smack Backston, and if you taste my hot sauce, you'll learn to speak the ur-language"

"I'm Stacker Crawford, and I brought back the Dodo to put it on my grill"

"Well howdy there. I'm Dale Braxton, and I use a pickling brine pulled from the ocean's depths"

"Welcome to the stage Mennonoah Bellwether, who cooks his ribs so slow they're technically frozen"

"I'm Euneas Frampton, and the secret to my baked beans are other, larger beans"

"Well well, if'n it ain't Amaziah StClaire, the man whose first and only word was "Brisket"."

"Last night we were visited by the great Zechariah Purebody. He snuck in while we slept and barbecued our living room, leavin' without a trace"

"I'm Snap Franklin, and smoke is my SON"