freeze frame on man running through bazaar
Jason Statham (VO): yeah. thass me. aladdin runnin frum the fuckin fuzz again

jasmine: who's there
Jason Statham aladdin: names aladdin, sweetheart. thass a big fuckin dog you got
Jasmine: it's a tiger

Jafar: guards! seize him!
Jason Statham VO: that was Jafar. grand vizier, plonker, and weirdo. I knew he was a real bastard, but as I was about to discover, he was also a cunt

ray winstone the genie: the fuck you want
Jason statham: nothin mate
ray winstone genie: you rubbed the fuckin lamp ya twat
Jason statham: i didn't rub the fuckin lamp! Genies are haram!
ray winstone genie: *points with cig* don't. raise. ya fuckin voice. at me

ray winstone genie: now who the fuck is this gentleman here
russell brand: *weird whining voice* they calls me the monkey, bruv. on account of i got a monkey on me back eheheheheh
ray winstone genie: don't fuckin speak to me son

jasmine: i'm going to call the guards
jason statham: don't bother love. i'm just here to rob the place
russell brand: eh, eh. eh. aladdin
jason statham: and if you got any pills, me monkey'll have those

jason statham aladdin: is it really a crime to steal a loaf of bread for ya family? or some pills for ya monkey

jason statham aladdin: make me a prince
ray winstone genie: *sniggers asthmatically* i'm a genie mate not the fuckin most high

Jason statham aladdin: riff raff, street rat?
Piss off
Fuck that

Jason Statham aladdin: if only he'd come closer....
*headbutts*
Didn't see that coming, didja prick

my top choice for jasmine is aubrey plaza

Sultan: the princess must marry!
peter capaldi Jafar: you let me worry about that right. you get out there and do what you do best. eating sweets and fuckin playing with yourself

peter capaldi jafar: get in that cave you waste of fuckin oxygen
jason statham aladdin: you go in the fuckin cave
peter capaldi jafar: ah i can't son. only one who can come out of that cave alive is someone who hasn't fucked your mum so i've had quite a fuckin search

sultan: oh prince ali, this is my grand vizier, jafar!
peter capaldi jafar: all right mate heard you had a lovely parade. and you got some beautiful fuckin teeth so that's good *leans in* cause if you touch the fuckin princess they're all anyones going to find of you, right

jason statham aladdin: that's real funny mate. i heard you were a funny fucker
peter capaldi jafar: don't try to tug me off son you haven't got enough hands

ray winstone genie: three fuckin wishes. after that *shrugs* i'm a patient genie
peter capaldi jafar: oh boo hoo your fucken boy missed out and i'm your fuckin boss now *to aladdin* should've wished for your fuckin balls to drop before you crossed me son

jason statham aladdin: you can't have infinite wishes. you stupid twat
peter capaldi jafar: genie i wish aladdin would drink a big cup of my fuckin BALL SWEAT

ray winstone genie: stupid thing to wish for
peter capaldi jafar: i've got two more wishes and my balls are fuckin dripping mate don't test me

jasmine: i want to marry who i choose
peter capaldi jafar: oh you puir thing, course you'll have CHOICES. you can CHOOSE for the groom to wear a classic ceremonial robe? or a fuckin TIGERSKIN TUXEDO

jasmine: are you going to wish that i fall in love with you
peter capaldi Jafar: are you fuckin serious? this is a political alliance you vacant fuckin beachside property of a woman. i've known you since you were two years old. you were a shit baby and now you're a shit princess

peter capaldi jafar: KEEP THAT FAT ARSE IN THOSE HUGE PANTS OR I'LL CALL THE PALACE GUARD

if you liked this thread throw some cash to [email protected] it's me

my reasoning is, every time this thread does the rounds some guy rips off the premise, makes the jokes bad, and gets paid for my work. if someone's getting that whitewash aladdin cash is should be ME

thank you to the person who sent me cash on venmo, unfortch i do not have a venmo just a paypal. which is why it'll return to you, not because i am too proud to accept money. i am not too proud to accept money