When I was 8 a woman on the bus - to whom I'd said NOTHING - told me her husband was so selfish, "the cunt would peel an orange in his pocket".

So TWITTER - what's an artfully constructed diss you've heard once and never forgotten? (No 'cockwomble' or 'piss-trumpet' stuff plz).

As a follow-up to the above, my dear pal @Tron_athon told me his dad was known to say, of a miserly fellow, "if he found a plaster, he'd cut himself".

Oh, I've remembered another one; my aunt described a particularly amorous young man she had known growing up in Fermanagh; "He'd have got up on himself if he could turn quick enough"

I loathe compound-swears. Post Morris & Iannucci, there was a horrible proliferation of bad efforts from people who lacked the grains to pull them off. "Shitpuffin" and "arsepony" are like counterfeit gags. They are the joke equivalent of backpacks in Marbella labelled addidans.