Jacob Rees-Mogg, with his face stitched together from the slippers Dennis' dad beat him with. Jacob Rees-Mogg, completely unable to comprehend how to turn bread into toast. Jacob Rees-Mogg, who has never, never been completely naked. Jacob Rees-Mogg, the long ghoul.
Nigel Farage, with the face of a man perpetually delighted at the smell of his own farts. Nigel Farage, the poundland Haw-Haw. Nigel Farage, exactly the sort of man to be proud of his golliwog fridge magnet collection. Nigel Farage, fags and ale instead of decency.
Piers Morgan, with his hair like a gust of wind through flaky pastry. Piers Morgan, searching his own name on twitter to own the snowflakes. Piers Morgan, with the rapier-wit of a pissed up uncle trying to describe a Bond film. Piers Morgan, your dad's mate your mum doesn't like.
Boris Johnson, with his carefully-curated "I run a tavern in a shit D&D game" buffonery. Boris Johnson, what happens when a Bash Street Kid falls into the goo from the end of RoboCop. Boris Johnson, a man who can't peel a potato but can conjugate every Latin verb.
Boris Johnson, an incel's teddy that's been converted to a fucksleeve and never washed. Boris Johnson, a man who's solution to every problem is bridges and guffaws. Boris Johnson, a wolf in sheep's clothing, where the sheep is an affable fellow and the wolf is a cunt.
Rod Liddle, trying desperately to draw a black person in a not racist way, but hampered by only experiencing people who aren't white through Max Fleischer cartoons. Rod Liddle, a boiled egg that's been rolled in dust. Rod Liddle, Peter Stringfellow's uncle who works down the dogs
Jeremy Clarkson, with one of his books in every racist's house. Jeremy Clarkson, the exact opposite of Carol Vorderman. Jeremy Clarkson, every man in the pub that will mutter something lewd as you walk past.
Toby Young, the Gregg Wallace of The Hunger Games. Toby Young, a less loveable Judge Doom. Toby Young, the sort of man to insist he doesn't need to look at the map before driving a Renault Espace into a canal and blaming his wife.
Piers Morgan, quote-tweeting critics with milquetoast burns to impress 6.48 million angry, puce men called Graham. Piers Morgan, a man whose masculinity is so fragile that having children is "gay". Piers Morgan, unironically scoffing at the idea of quiche.
Jacob Rees-Mogg, existing in the world because a child's blood once touched a painting of a slumlord. Jacob Rees-Mogg, a man who can't say "mother" without achieving climax. Jacob Rees-Mogg, who would ask a genie to grant him the power to pop guide dogs "just because".
Michael Gove, a teacher from the Beano whose plans get thwarted by a cat wearing a tie. Michael Gove, what would happen to The Michelin Man if it was inflated with beetles instead of air. Michael Gove, who produces three pints of saliva for every sentence spoken.
Michael Gove, the physical embodiment of the smell of sour milk. Michael Gove, a first draft Thunderbirds character who was deemed too upsetting to be on television. Michael Gove, a man who would run a hundred miles to push a child into a lake.
Nigel Farage, "Man Of The People", if the people were Boglins that had melted in a fire. Nigel Farage, what happens when you piss on a Mogwai. Nigel Farage, a tweed jacket over a blackshirt.
David Cameron, a man who starts a fight in an orphanage then sneaks out when no one's looking. David Cameron, setting a series of fires in an art gallery and casually nicking the extinguisher. David Cameron, an estate agent who's thinking about starting a wine collection.
David Cameron, what Frankenstein's monster would have been if it was struck by privilege instead of lightning. David Cameron, a member of the X-Men whose power is making your eyes feel greasy. David Cameron, the opposite of an erection.
David Davis, head of the school Model Railway society who doesn't let the children take part. David David, a rejected Fast Show character whose catchphrase was "And then I turned off life support!"
David Davis, afraid to set foot in a chip shop.
Liam Fox, sculpted by Nick Park three days into a K-hole. Liam Fox, a portrait in the background of an American cartoon when they're trying to satirise England in an episode called "It's the Vicar Flopsy-Pops". Liam Fox, bringing up swinging for the sixth time at a dinner party.
Dominic Raab, a man who never quite got over failing to join the university rugby society. Dominic Raab, that one teacher who tries to be your mate. Dominic Raab, a Bullet Bill from Mario, cosplaying as a human.
Piers Morgan, what happens when a Cornish pasty gets into a teleporter with an arsehole. Piers Morgan, a man constantly surprised by women doctors. Piers Morgan, with the moral compass of a tarantula hawk. Piers Morgan, the International Prototype Kilogram, but for smugness.
Jeremy Clarkson, a man who's definitely ruined a group holiday in a nice Welsh cottage. Jeremy Clarkson, a man who orders lemon & herb at Nandos, but asks for an 'extra hot' flag for when it's brought to the table. Jeremy Clarkson, a man who would judge you for eating a croissant
Mark Francois, a deep-sea fish that somehow got into a suit. Mark Francois, who thinks that having an Action Man doll as a kid means he was Actually In A War. Mark Francois, that one bewildered guy by the fruit machine in every working men's club.
Jacob Rees-Mogg, the thing that hides in Slenderman's closet. Jacob Rees-Mogg, annoyed that the Serpent didn't charge Eve a consultancy fee after persuading her to bite the apple. Jacob Rees-Mogg. A librarian from the Imperium in Warhammer 40k that no one wants to buy.
Nigel Farage, what would happen if Gollum fucked a broken leather sofa and they somehow had a child. Nigel Farage, an expat who still complains about "bloody foreigners". Nigel Farage, a man who, in the 1800s, would sell a patent medicine to children that was mostly mercury.
Jacob Rees-Mogg, a man who has never had to blow his own nose. Jacob Rees-Mogg, utterly unable to put the kettle on. Jacob-Rees-Mogg, the snooty kid trying to shut down a skate park in a 90s film where Macaulay Culkin is the hero.
Boris Johnson, Worzel Gummidge's racist uncle. Boris Johnson, a man who thinks that the only denominations of the pound are 50 and 20, and that the 20 is "change". Boris Johnson, a pub quiz host who belittles the female teams.
Michael Gove, repeatedly tricked by Mr Punch. Michael Gove, Cat from Red Dwarf, if Lister had smuggled a slug aboard instead. Michael Gove, the cure for cunnilingus.
Piers Morgan, convinced that "lefties" have no sense of humour while remaining as hilarious as rabies. Piers Morgan, an Alan Partridge sketch taken too far. Piers Morgan, teddy bear luncheon meat after a rat died in the mechanism.
Michael Gove, with the face of a Victorian listening trumpet. Michael Gove, the bipedal equivalent of those milky-white fish that grow sightless in perpetually dark caves. Michael Gove, some sort of toddler that once angered a witch.
Boris Johnson, what happens when a bale of hay goes to Eton. Boris Johnson, with the laugh of a friend and the soul of a hamster eating its young. Boris Johnson, a man Bertie Wooster would take pains to avoid.
David Davis, a newsreader in a play where his wife leaves him on air. David Davis, a birthday clown that smells of fags and booze. David Davis, a vicar who once killed a man.
Jacob Rees-Mogg, a man Mary Poppins would gladly drown. Jacob Rees-Mogg, a man who would become painfully aroused by reading the previous sentence. Jacob Rees-Mogg, a man who can bonelessly slither through any gap the width of his glasses. Jacob Rees-Mogg, natural cat repellent.
Jacob Rees-Mogg, built by a lonely inventor from clockwork and sand, only to turn on his creator the moment he falls asleep. Jacob Rees-Mogg, who dreams solely of an infinite sphere of black glass. Jacob Rees-Mogg, able to rust silver at a touch.
Toby Young, a pitbull bitten by a radioactive testicle. Toby Young, the boss who wants to be "one of the lads" and ruins every company outing. Toby Young, a youtube advocate of the incel movement with an anime bodypillow on his wall.
Boris Johnson, with a portrait in his attic that gets more selfless and sincere with every passing day. Boris Johnson, a man whose duplicity would affront Janus. Boris Johnson, a man whose principles could be written on a grain of rice with a broad-tip marker.
Nigel Farage, with the exact unsettling texture of a sea anemone, but with none of the charm. Nigel Farage, who simmers in impotent fury when he walks past a Chinese restaurant. Nigel Farage, the equivalent of a lightbulb at night, if moths were idiot pricks.
Jacob Rees-Mogg, Christian Grey, but instead of BDSM it is pound coins. Jacob Rees-Mogg, who hatched fully-grown from a cobwebbed armoire. Jacob Rees-Mogg, the only man on earth whose blood type is "Spiders"
Nigel Farage, a frog that tried to turn into a prince, but got stuck at "bastard". Nigel Farage, if you try and kiss him, your body will immediately die to protect itself. Nigel Farage, who sleeps with a picture of Mussolini under his pillow.
Boris Johnson, the fun and friendly gleeman who follows the heroes of a fantasy series, before being revealed in book 10 to be a skinsuit full of rats controlled by The Dark Lord. Boris Johnson, an American's impression of somebody British.
Nigel Farage, with the skin of two men and the soul of an angler-fish. Nigel Farage, the political equivalent of termites, but without the emphasis on society. Nigel Farage, a Mr Punch puppet that comes alive at midnight to eat the family dog.
Tim Martin, so afraid of open borders that his features hide together in the centre of his face. Tim Martin, the Pete Best of Top Gear. Tim Martin, the one man you never want to be cornered by at a wedding.
Tim Martin, the death-mask of an 18th century duke who died of syphilis. Tim Martin, the Pokemon evolution of David Cameron if you use the Arsehole Stone. Tim Martin, a man who definitely doesn't support Brexit because miserable, broke people will want cheap beer.
Jacob Rees-Mogg, the answer to "What if a librarian was also a dracula?" Jacob Rees-Mogg, what would happen if Adrian Mole was written by Ayn Rand. Jacob Rees-Mogg, 100% yet to be weaned.
Nigel Farage, the cause of every sick koi in an ornamental pond. Nigel Farage, frequently found burrowed to the neck in the hide of endangered cattle. Nigel Farage, absolutely _teeming_ with wasp larvae.
Mark Francois, bursting entirely unbidden into the world, despite not having existed about three days ago. Mark Francois, a jacket potato that's been kicked around by a horse. Mark Francois, Michael Gove after a single protein shake.
Mark Francois, a combiner Transformer where all the separate robots are different toads. Mark Francois, unable to walk past an Andy McNab book in Smiths, lest his arousal become too great. Mark Francois, turned on by the idea of paintballing, but bedwettingly afraid to try.
Jacob Rees-Mogg, the G-Man from Half-Life but with none of the personality or sex appeal. Jacob Rees-Mogg, whose favourite book is “The Animals of Morning Wood”. Jacob Rees-Mogg, who has never been inside a supermarket. Jacob Rees-Mogg, serial killer from a 90s Vertigo comic.
Rod Liddle, a rejected Fast Show character who slept on a bench. Rod Liddle, somehow simultaneously puce and utterly bloodless. Rod Liddle, Anthony Bourdain's significantly worse, disappointing brother who works at an abattoir.
Michael Gove, who has blinked precisely once in his life, and doesn’t plan to again. Michael Gove, a man that it is physically impossible to have sex with. Michael Gove, Cthulhu’s pilot fish.
Arron Banks, with his face affected by Jupiter's gravity. Arron Banks, a first draft name for Literally Him in a student satirical sketch show. Arron Banks, a man who would never own a living plant because he'd resent it giving away its oxygen for free.
Arron Banks, who’d peel an orange in his pocket to avoid sharing the smell. Arron Banks, leaving a scrawled note reading “get a proper job” instead of a tip. Arron Banks, gleefully encouraging the Titanic to head towards the iceberg because he’s selling tickets for the lifeboats.
Piers Morgan, bitten by a radioactive pamphlet describing the Dunning–Kruger effect. Piers Morgan, who transforms into a Volvo every full moon. Piers Morgan, spending all day practising hypothetical heckles for female comedians that he's too scared to ever shout.
Mark Francois, leaning out of a butcher's shop, shaking his fist as a terrier runs off with a string of sausages. Mark Francois, quoting Sun Tzu to try and initiate coitus. Mark Francois, convinced he fought at Dunkirk. Mark Francois, the very model of a modern armchair genital.
Jeremy Clarkson, buying all his CDs from motorway service stations. Jeremy Clarkson, striding through his house in denim Y-fronts. Jeremy Clarkson, *convinced* that celery will make you gay.
Andrew Bridgen, a potato disguised as a Lego man. Andrew Bridgen, nightclub bouncer in Coventry who's slowly going to seed. Andrew Bridgen, studied genetics to find out why he went so wrong
Piers Morgan, sneering about "elf n safety gone mad". Piers Morgan, genuinely thinking you'll be arrested if you touch a conker. Piers Morgan, missing a time where cotton mills were alive w/ the noise of children's fingers hitting the floor like an earthquake in a hotdog factory
Nigel Farage, complaining about the "EU liberal elite" while suckling from their moneyteat until it blisters and bleeds. Nigel Farage, Enoch Powell if his mother had smoked tractor tyres throughout her pregnancy. Nigel Farage, the version of Oswald Mosley you'd find in a Netto.
Nigel Farage, leader of a gang of smugglers who gets caught by The Famous Five. Nigel Farage, flicking out his tongue to catch a fly at the other end of the room. Nigel Farage, taxi driver who says “Not racist, but”. Nigel Farage, unhinging his lower jaw to devour a live Labrador
Nigel Farage, who’ll write lies on a bus, but never ride one. Nigel Farage, what happens if you put a tweed flat cap on a fresh cow pat. Nigel Farage, the living refutation of white supremacy. Nigel Farage, stubbing his toe and blaming the Jews.
Piers Morgan, a “television personality” in the sense that an oozing sore is a “beauty spot”. Piers Morgan, recoiling in horror at the thought of ever using hand cream. Piers Morgan, absolutely refusing to walk past the tampons in a supermarket.
Jacob Rees-Mogg, who collects the last breaths of the dying like the BFG collects dreams. Jacob Rees-Mogg, liquidising a camel to pour it through the eye of a platinum needle. Jacob Rees-Mogg, a ghost’s ghost’s ghost.
Nigel Farage, what would happen if the baddies from Bucky O’Hare were stung by a xenophobic bee. Nigel Farage, Cthulhu-worshipping gamekeeper from a particularly racist Lovecraft story. Nigel Farage, who actually has gills. Nigel Farage, a shrink-wrapped testicle.
Boris Johnson, a scorpion if nature chose “scruffy” as camouflage. Boris Johnson, a tatty retirement home sofa with the cushions full of knives. Boris Johnson, a child who dies in Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory while the Oompa Loompas sing about the importance of being sincere.
Jacob Rees-Mogg, gleefully oiling the bannisters at an old people’s home. Jacob Rees-Mogg, concept art for The Outsider from Dishonoured that had to be scrapped because it gave the artist nightmares. Jacob Rees-Mogg, getting to the end of A Christmas Carol and shouting “No no NO”
Toby Young, with the look of a man cursed by a witch to experience perpetual constipation. Toby Young, who cannot achieve orgasm without his partner reading his articles aloud. Toby Young, touring American mining towns in an 1800s freakshow as "The Amazing Testicle With Opinions"
Michael Gove, Max Headroom's creepy uncle. Michael Gove, an alien from Men In Black who is *really* phoning in the whole disguise business. Michael Gove, paralysing a deer before laying his eggs with a glistening ovipositor.
Jacob Rees-Mogg, what you'd get if you crossed Tooms from The X-Files with an undertaker. Jacob Rees-Mogg, who had a rocking horse that was an actual varnished horse, mad eyes rolling in terror. Jacob Rees-Mogg, who appears if you say "money" three times in a carnival mirror.
Boris Johnson, a man with such little moral fibre his soul is permanently constipated. Boris Johnson, what you would get if you soaked a viper in piss and rolled it through straw. Boris Johnson, a Funko Pop figure of a shit scarecrow.
Boris Johnson, what would happen if the skin that settled on a custard was racist. Boris Johnson, an iron dildo in a velvet condom. Boris Johnson, a Wetherspoons toilet pissmop accidentally brought to life by Mickey Mouse.
Rory Stewart, blinking into existence because a child left a Willem Dafoe action figure on a radiator, and someone nearby whispered "money". Rory Stewart, whose every photograph has to be coloured by hand to give the impression of a vascular system. Rory Stewart, human-adjacent.
Rory Stewart, whose first job was being a cover model for particularly horrifying Goosebumps books. Rory Stewart, exactly what you'd get if you put a boglin into a teleporter with a peanut. Rory Stewart, able to eat an apple through a chainlink fence but completely unable to feel
Boris Johnson, gleefully yeeting puppies into a woodchipper for thirty seconds of airtime. Boris Johnson, who would disassemble a pensioner like a Sunday roast if it earned him a quid. Boris Johnson, the living embodiment of "fuck you, got mine". Boris Johnson, an idiot's genius.
Rod Liddle, an Elseworlds Neil Gaiman who started on the White Lightning age 9. Rod Liddle, mistaking the appalled silence at dinner as invitation to tell another anecdote. Rod Liddle, saying "I suppose liberals will call THIS racist as well" as he sets fire to a giant wood cross
Rod Liddle, a scotch egg coated with bellybutton fluff & listening to Roy Chubby Brown CDs. Rod Liddle, found grumbling racistly on every beach in Spain. Rod Liddle, utterly unable to see the problem with blackface. Rod Liddle, audibly tutting at an "ethnic" takeaway menu.
Johnny Mercer, robustly defending the rights of the wealthy to strike unarmed women. Johnny Mercer, strongly supported by an army of faceless twittermen who can't tell the difference between a sash and a Bren gun. Johnny Mercer, wearing a polo shirt even when nude.
Jeremy Hunt, a viper wearing a schoolboy. Jeremy Hunt, a wax sculpture of a ten year old possessed by a pound coin. Jeremy Hunt, with the malevolent eyes of a pig gone feral, eating the farmer alive. Jeremy Hunt, affable poison.
Piers Morgan, openly rooting for The Divine Right of Kings in favour of democracy. Piers Morgan, putting the “cunt” in contrarian. Piers Morgan, with the constant look of the last man to realise that the glory hole has changed its opening hours
Boris Johnson, the only British Prime Minister to be elected because Angus Deayton took cocaine. Boris Johnson, bumbling into power only because Satan is busy elsewhere. Boris Johnson, an instagram picture of Churchill where the filter was set to "wanker. just absolute wanker".
Boris Johnson, saying "err, umm, well" in response to every question. Boris Johnson, a sentient fungus that grows on privilege. Boris Johnson, who's Letter of Last Resort will probably be written in Latin and doom us all. Boris Johnson, his name literally means dick.
Boris Johnson, the only person for whom “strawman argument” is literally true. Boris Johnson, a scarecrow bitten by radioactive money. Boris Johnson, the newest and last prime minister of the United Kingdom.
Toby Young, priapic while writing a profile of his favourite ghoul. Toby Young, a Funko Pop figure of a darts player. Toby Young, phrenology advocate to the stars.
Jacob Rees-Mogg, glimpsed out of the corner of your eye in the window of a fire-gutted orphanage. Jacob Rees-Mogg, bursting into a cloud of earwigs when startled. Jacob Rees-Mogg, The Demon Headmaster’s less likeable cousin.
Boris Johnson, the losing entry in a primary school Autumn Creatures competition where everything has to be made out of vegetables, leaves & twigs. Boris Johnson, what happens if you get into a teleporter with a mop & an arsehole. Boris Johnson, a man I wouldn't trust with an egg
Michael Gove, a Steve Dillon illustration of a man toothlessly gumming an udder. Michael Gove, trying to turn the skate park into a bank. Michael Gove, Dr Robotnik's accountant. Michael Gove, holding up the queue for absolutely ages to argue over a cauliflower.
Boris Johnson, in charge of a country like a fly is in charge of a windscreen. Boris Johnson, sympathising with the incredible hulk, but only for his dress sense. Boris Johnson, the difference between "Upper" and "having" class. Boris Johnson, untidy tapeworm.
Jacob Rees-Mogg, the opposite of a scarecrow. Jacob Rees-Mogg, The Demon Headmaster's Demon Headmaster. Jacob Rees-Mogg, a man Ebenezer Scrooge would describe as "a bit tight". Jacob Rees-Mogg, yet to be weaned.
Jacob Rees-Mogg, tucking into his morning bowl of daddy long legs. Jacob Rees-Mogg, who doesn't—biolocally speaking—technically "sleep". Jacob Rees-Mogg, desperately trying to kill the sun. Jacob Rees-Mogg, remaining perfectly still for 72hrs before snatching a bird from the air
Boris Johnson, as selfless and honourable as space is hot. Boris Johnson, who would slash the tyres of a fire engine if you told him he'd profit. Boris Johnson, mercurial both in demeanor, and in the sense that he would poison a child. Boris Johnson, Caligula's armpit.
Jacob Rees-Mogg, immediately failing the Voight-Kampff test. Jacob Rees-Mogg, cackling with glee as Henry gets bricked up in the tunnel. Jacob Rees-Mogg, 'heart'broken to learn that "Flog It!" wasn't a TV show about a street urchin.
Rory Stewart, with the face of an animatronic hangman from a long-closed ghost train. Rory Stewart, a Spitting Image puppet of a Spitting Image puppet of a Spitting Image puppet of a prick. Rory Stewart, a giant rubber toddler cursed into life by a demented wizard.
Jacob Rees-Mogg, never actually showing up on film. Jacob Rees-Mogg, who has never seen bread without the crusts cut off. Jacob Rees-Mogg, a high-ranking SS officer who the others think "goes a bit far"
Piers Morgan, openly mocking an autistic 16 year old girl on national television for having the courage to speak in front of the United Nations about wanting a future fit for human life. Piers Morgan, he actually did this. Piers Morgan, this is a thing that he did.
Boris Johnson, refusing to say whether he believes black people are less intelligent. Boris Johnson, representing exactly what the rest of the world pictures when they imagine a ghastly English man. Boris Johnson, stepping on a homeless person's neck to reach a pound coin.
Boris Johnson, a cross between the sultan, Jafar, and a fucking arsehole. Boris Johnson, who in any reasonable world would be a model railway enthusiast who lives with his mum. Boris Johnson, who wants you to laugh at his hair as he bleeds you dry.
Dominic Cummings, somehow a worse Toby Young. Dominic Cummings, what would happen if the Gamesmaster was a pick up artist. Dominic Cummings, a less affable Clarence Boddicker. Dominic Cummings, The Bad Egg.
Andrew Selous, washing his hands to the national anthem whilst visibly erect. Andrew Selous, eating an apple through a chain link fence. Andrew Selous, whose grasp of Christ's teachings is as firm as a court eunuch's pickle
Andrew Selous, being wheeled out of the chocolate factory while Oompa Loompas just roll their eyes and sigh "what an absolute bastard" instead of bothering to sing. Andrew Selous, asking why Jesus didn't just tell the 5000 to feed themselves. Andrew Selous, taxing loaves and fish
Jacob Rees-Mogg, the unwanted lovechild of "shadows" and "poison". Jacob Rees-Mogg, the guy from Ratatouille, but instead of a rat controlling him under his top hat, it's a roll of £50s. Jacob Rees-Mogg, INSISTING that his nanny washes his hands while he sings God Save the Queen.
Dominic Cummings, the Jonny Appleseed of preventable deaths. Dominic Cummings, his sense of human decency stolen by pixies. Dominic Cummings, Typhoid Mary with a car.
Dominic Cummings, the horrendous feeling of pulling a hangnail too far, somehow brought to life. Dominic Cummings, who can't tell the difference between an optician & a castle. Dominic Cummings, a man who would burn an occupied hospital to the ground if it benefitted him slightly
Matt Hancock, chortling while being interviewed like a member of the Bash Street Kids who's hidden a whoopie cushion. Matt Hancock, that one over-friendly Geography teacher who everyone knows is shagging a sixth former. Matt Hancock, The Waxed Skull.
Michael Gove, a rubber-faced sextoy of someone who should be in jail. Michael Gove, the opposite of a kiss. Michael Gove, descended purely from blind cave salamanders. Michael Gove, what would happen to the Monopoly guy if he got into a teleporter with an eel that eats its young.
Priti Patel, the scorpion from the tale of the scorpion and the frog, only she's hired another frog to take her the rest of the way. Priti Patel, that girl on the netball team who'd break your nose when the teacher wasn't looking.
Jacob Rees-Mogg, who enters & exits a room exclusively through shadows. Jacob Rees-Mogg, bursting into a cloud of flesh-eating beetles at the slightest sign of danger. Jacob Rees-Mogg, who cannot pet an animal without extracting its soul. Jacob Rees-Mogg, who prefers it that way.
Piers Morgan, with the face of a villain from a less popular Thomas the Tank Engine story. Piers Morgan, furious that Prince Harry would stick his dick in anything but a tin of magnolia paint. Piers Morgan, the internationally agreed standard for "I'm not racist but"
Piers Morgan, that one colleague who insistently calls you by a "friendly" contraction of your name and comments on whatever you're eating. Piers Morgan, your mate's tory dad who looks at you funny. Piers Morgan, walking a hundred laps around his garden to kiss Trump's feet.
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