I’m watching “The Last Jedi” basically with no context and boy, is this a ride. Spent the first ten minutes thinking this was movie where John Boyega first shows up.

Oh, this is the movie with the space penguins that had y’all so pressed.

OH. MY. FUCKING. GOD. CARRIE FISHER.

I WILL NEVER FORGIVE ADAM DRIVER FOR THIS. OH MY GOD.

Wait. Is she a space witch?! OMG.

Y’all, I have no idea what’s going on.

OOOOOOH. I like Laura Linney’s hair.

Wait. Do Laura Linney and Oscar Isaac hook up in this movie? I thought he was fucking John Boyega. Y’all, I really don’t know what’s happening.

I’m bored. Bring back BB8.

OMG. Adam Driver and... this white British woman HAVE A CONNECTION. Bruh, this is wild.

FISH NUNS! Just when I’m done with this movie, it reels me back in.

Okay, I really like the space penguins. Adam Driver is that ex-boyfriend who you avoid because you know if you’re ever left alone with them you’re gonna [redacted] his [redacted] and then you’ll [redacted you nasty bitch redacted].

OMG. There is like a space James Bond in this movie. Was that Justin Theroux?

Who is this drunk mediocre wanna James Marsden? I need to have a word with this casting director. Just casting random white people.

OMG. I love the space greyhounds and their epic escape. There are so many movies contained within this movie.

ADAM DRIVER SHIRTLESS. BITCH, I’M LIVING. SPACE CHOKE ME, DADDY.

SO EROTIC.

This movie is too long. I’m taking a nap.

OKAY, I’M BACK. Napped an hour longer than intended. All I remember about “The Last Jedi” is that Adam Driver is a space-sexter, Laura Dern and Laura Linney are the same person, and Carrie Fisher is a space-witch. LET’S DO THIS.

Luke Skywalker is very annoying. I don’t know you heauxes have put up with him all this time. Yoda is like, “Bitch ass, time it is for me to be done with you.”

LOL. I love BB8. That robot looked at Benecia Del Toro like “Your skin ain’t clear enough to be using the word WE. I didn’t still shit.”

Are y’all... sure this ain’t Laura Linney? I feel like the admiral is Laura Linney.

I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN VICE ADMIRAL LAURA LINNEY.

Fuck. Adam Driver’s character is so damaged and hot. Ugh. I’m going to need to discuss “The Last Jedi” with my therapist.

OMG, there is an evil BB8!

Carrie Fisher is packing heat?! What the hell is going on?!

NEVER TRUST BENICIO DEL TORO. Have you space-heauxes learned nothing?!

YAAAAAAAS. MY SAD, EMOTIONALLY DAMAGED, ON AGAIN OFF AGAIN BOYFRIEND. GO OFFFF.

I’m not even gonna lie. If I was her and Kylo Ren whispered “let it all die” to me, this movie would have a very different ending.

MY GOD. Is there nothing more erotic than Adam Driver crying and saying “please”?! THIS MOVIE IS EVERYTHING.

OOOOOH. ICICLE FOXES. I love all the animals in this movie. 10/10.

I want a whole movie about the icicle foxes. They look like they’ve seen some shit.

I SCREAMED WHEN THE SPACE PEGUIN SCREAMED.

I AM THE SPACE PEGUIN. THE SPACE PEGUIN IS ME.

SHE CRASHED HER SHIP FOR HIM?! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!

Mmmmm. Adam Driver making a fist in those black leather gloves. The camera keeps lingering. Whew.

THE ICICLE FOXES SAVE THE DAY.

The end! Not sure I understood 40% of what happened but I enjoyed “The Last Jedi.” Congrats to everyone involved but especially Carrie Fisher, the space peguins, fish nuns, and icicle foxes.

Oh okay, I see it now.