If you've followed my feed at all, you know I'm extremely trans as hell.

In that context I want to say: I spent months before identifying as nonbinary worried that I was "appropriating" transness or that I was just doing it because Tumblr told me to.

For the couple of years before hormones, I stressed a lot about a bunch of things (the risks of being visibly trans in our society, etc). Some of what i stressed about was not being the kind of person who Really Needs HRT.

When I started seeing my (enby) therapist for gender and other stuff (after I identified as enby, back when I thought I was a not-medically-transitioning sort of trans person), they asked if i felt any physical dysphoria. I said maybe some but nothing specific.

I then proceeded to say that, I meant, if I could flick a switch and have a vulva, I would. And breasts would be nice. And I wish my hips were curvier. But not, like, Real dysphoria.

My therapist gently pointed out that I had just named 3 specific dysphoria sites. I felt scared

I went through a group for trans people and watched with envy (enby envy?) as they hit milestones that made them happy. Top surgery. Hormones. New drivers license. I felt like I wasn't That Kind of Trans person and would never have milestones like that.

I'm bringing this all up to say this: when we discuss people not being trans enough or trans in the right way, we cause real damage, and not just to the specific people being discussed.

A *lot* of my physical dysphoria only came to the surface after I decided to start HRT. the main thing that had me consider starting HRT wasn't about happiness in my body but the hope that maybe people would call me he/him less if I looked different.

That was what first made me think about HRT. about a year or two before I actually started it.

I waited. I waited because that wasn't the Right Reason to start hrt. I waited as my depression got worse and I didn't know why, as I spent nights feeling lonely and lost and scared.

If you've followed me for awhile you'll know over the past 2 years I've blossomed into the happiest I have ever been in my life, and have rejoiced in all the amazing changes to my body.

I waited for well over a year because I was sure I wasn't That Kind of Trans.

Trans people go through a lot of gatekeeping, especially by the medical industry. But I think the most insidious gatekeeping is the ones that we've internalized. When it's all in your head there's no chance for someone to validate you or help you bc you're too scared to share it

I know plenty of trans people who never knew the extent of the burden they were carrying until they started to get out from under it. When we tell people "your burden must fit these criteria for it to count" they may not be able to take objective assessment. They may fall silent.

So this is why i take discussions of "transtrenders" and similar very seriously and very personally. I know, first-hand, how that sort of talk shuts people down, how it muddies the water of self examination, how it can add to trans people's suffering.

I understand people wanting to be taken seriously. And I understand there are bad faith actors (like TERFs claiming they're a man one day a week to prove a point) that make us scared that if we give too much ground then our movement will be destroyed or turned into something else

I get those fears. And I don't necessarily have answers for all of them.

And I also know the fears of someone who is sure they're a faker who is just latching onto transness to cover up their self-hatred.

You know what I thought about more than I should have in that year or so before hormones?

Buffalo Bill.

In Silence of the Lambs, Buffalo Bill is a serial killer that claims to be trans but is not, according to Hannibal Lector who Knows Everything, not Actually Trans.

Lector tells the protagonist (and thus, the reader/viewer) that Bill was rejected by several therapists for not being really trans, and that attempting to call himself trans is just another in a line of self-diagnoses Bill has attempted in order to hide how much he hates himself

Obviously Bill is fiction and I'm not going to dissect what a goddamn travesty of a character/plot point this is bc trans ppl have been saying and writing about this for literally decades.

Obviously not the killing part. But that origin story for Bill represented my worst fears about myself. I was unhappy, anxious, self conscious about my body and my fatness. Surely this sudden urge for hormones wasn't Real Transness but just me trying to cover up my insecurity.

That spectre haunted me for a long time. That internalized "knowledge" that there are Not Real Trans people who are just looking for an unhealthy escape route was a weight around my neck.

I don't want others to have to dig through that if they don't have to. I can tell you from experience that even if everything goes smoothly, the act of reinventing yourself and becoming your new (probably better) self is complex and exhausting.

So I take the accusation that some people aren't Really Trans and that we should speak up to prevent people (especially kids! Teens!) from exploring and possibly identifying as trans until they fit our ideals of what that means really seriously to heart.

I think I deserved better & deserved a less doubt filled path. I want to make that path just a little less cloudy for the ppl after me. If that means there's the occasional person who takes me less seriously bc they knew a kid who tried calling themself trans & then stopped, fine

So i guess I just want to say this: trans people who dont know they're trans yet are listening when we have these discussions. They are seeing what we say about those who aren't sure and when we speak their greatest doubts aloud, we are slowing their process.

I would rather say this: Its okay. I would rather you try on transness and then find it isnt for you than to want it but be afraid you're not the right person for it. Its hard to know who you are. You're allowed to make mistakes.

I trust you know yourself better than we do.