You’re stuck in an evangelical megachurch. You look around. There are respectable supplies of mediocre coffee and stirring sticks, and a suspiciously clean bookstore. Your eye lights on a table full of pastries. Well, this could be promising after all.

Do you:

You pour yourself some coffee into a Styrofoam cup. It tastes like burned rat droppings, so you pour in Powdered Cream Product and Sugar-Free Sweetener. It doesn't help.

Out of nowhere, a dude appears and says, "So, how about those bears?" You are very confused.

Do you:

You look around suspiciously, wondering what bears he's talking about. You think you might see a football team from Chicago. But then you hear a growling noise. Oh, great. He was right: you're stuck in an evangelical megachurch with actual bears.

Do you:

Suddenly you realize that the bald guy you're talking to is in fact the prophet Elisha! You can't help yourself: you point at him and jeer, "Go up, thou bald head!" Elisha looks perplexed. The bears all turn and growl at you, looking furious. Uh-oh. Now you've done it.

Do you:

You grab the nearest pie and lob it directly at the biggest bear. It hits it smack in the face. The bear looks astonished and licks its chops thoughtfully. Then it stands up and throws a pie back at you.

Evangelical megachurch pie fight! With bears.

Do you:

You figure you have nothing to lose, so you pick up a pie and lob it at the prophet Elisha. But being a prophet he can see the future, and he dodges it easily. It sails right by him and lands squarely in the face of— Oh no! It’s…

Oh, no! Your pie hits @JohnPiper right in the face! He doesn't seem to notice, but smiles serenely and says "God is most glorified in us when we are most delighted in pie, because like God's glory, pie are irrational, and square." Of all the evangelical megachurches…

Do you:

You throw another pie at John Piper, on purpose this time. But this only seems to motivate him to preach more! He yells, “SKY PIE MAKES LOVE! Those who dismiss earthly pies are not to be trusted with heavenly pies (Doug Wilson).” *

*Actual John Piper quotes. No, really.

Okaaaay then. That takes you a bit off guard and you consider your next move. Do you:

You back away slowly, but grab several more pies in case you need them.

"As a prophet, I know you want me to explain," Elisha explains. "You see, when two Sky Pies love each other very much, they—"

Oops! You weren't watching where you were going and you back into a bear! You…

The bear rears up on its hand legs, and in a panic you try to do two things at once—You offer the bear a piece of pie and break into a dance move. Your hands get confused and the next thing you know, you and the bear are swing dancing somehow. He's pretty good actually.

Do you…

You can't help yourself—you're swing dancing with a bear in a pie fight trapped in an evangelical megachurch with a prophet and John Piper, and, caught up in the moment, you blurt out, "Will you marry me?"

The bear says, "GRRRRRRRRR!"

You're not sure but you think this means…

"You have made me the happiest person on earth!" you say, doing an elaborate Lindy Hop. In your excitement you throw your pies everywhere, not caring where they land.

"GRRRRRRRRRRR," says the bear.

"Let us not delay another moment," you say, "Let us…"

"Hey, John Piper!" you yell to John Piper. "Will you officiate the wedding between me and a bear?"

"GRRRRRRRRRRR," says the bear.

"God in His sovereignty decreed that I would have the perfect Scripture to read for His glory at this occasion," says John Piper. "It's this one…"

"I can kind of understand the bear, but I'm not sure I understand what you mean by that at all," you say.

"GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR," the bear explains, winsomely.

"But based on what I think you're saying," you continue, "clearly the next thing for us to do is…"

You look lovingly into the bear's eyes. "We need to write our vows so we can be wed this very day!"

"GRRRRRRRRRRRRR," says the bear.

"But what should the vows say?" You grab an envelope and a pencil and begin to write:

Yes, that's exactly the phrase! Scribbling quickly, your vows take shape: "Bearly beloved, we are gathered here today in the sight of Gosh and of John Piper, and also the Prophet Elisha for some reason, to join this person and this bear in whole wheat macaroni…"

Wait, that's…

Suddenly with a flash and a cloud of white smoke, who should appear but the Pope! A distant choir of angels sings something.

"I'm here to bless this Evangelical megachurch, apparently," says the Pope, looking confused, "for some reason."

Well then. Do you....

A wild POPE appeared! Shall we catch it?

You choose LUTHER!

LUTHER uses THESES! It's SOMEWHAT EFFECTIVE!

The POPE uses PAPAL BULL!

LUTHER uses THESES 95 times! LUTHER is getting tired!

Oh no! Your LUTHER has been EXCOMMUNICATED!

You choose…

It's a #POPÉMON BATTLE!

You choose HENRY VIII! HENRY, GO!

HENRY VIII uses SCREAM A LOT AND ORDER BEHEADINGS! On EVERYBODY!

The POPE is PRETTY ANNOYED! -1534 HP

This is a BIG PROBLEM!!

Why do you even have a HENRY VIII?

Quickly you choose…

You choose JOHN CALVIN! JOHN CALVIN, GO!

The POPE uses VATICAN II!

It's SUPER EFFECTIVE!

Everyone grabs ACOUSTIC GUITARS and starts singing KUM BA YAH!!

Oh no! JOHN CALVIN has FAINTED!

HENRY VIII is still trying to behead EVERYBODY!

What do we do now?

#POPÉMON

You used COUNTER-REFORMATION!

It's SUPER EFFECTIVE!

"Ha!" you say to the POPE. "That will get you to stop being so Reformed!"

The POPE looks confused and stares around in a daze. Then he pulls out a stack of papers and says, "Indulgences! Buy your indulgences here!"

Do you…

You've always been curious about it, and hey, you have some spare change that's burning a hole in your pocket. So you buy an Indulgence from the Pope to see what all the fuss is about.

Turns out, it looks like this…

"BUT WAIT! THERE'S MORE!" yells an absurdly enthusiastic voice. "ACT NOW, AND FOR A LIMITED TIME WE'LL THROW IN A *SECOND* INDULGENCE ABSOLUTELY *FREE!* YOU PAY ONLY $19.95 PLUS POSTAGE AND HANDLING! DON'T DELAY, ORDER TODAY!"

Oh, great. It's Johann Tetzel.

Do you…

Suddenly you get a brilliant idea. “Hey, Tetzel!” you say. “I just saw this Evangelical megachurch is hiring a new Director of Capital Development. You'd be perfect for the job!”

“Oh right, that reminds me,” says the Prophet Elisha, and calls down fire from heaven.

Do you:

When Elisha calls down fire from heaven in the evangelical megachurch you're trapped in with the bear you got engaged to while having a pie fight with John Piper and the Pope and battling Pokémon with Tetzel, what could be a better reaction than making s'mores?

…Really, what?

Just as you pull out the marshmallows to start making s'mores, your otherwise perfectly sensible reaction is interrupted by a GIANT ROBOT MECHA BATTLE!

Over the chaos, you ask John Piper, "How can THIS be part of God's sovereign plan?" But he seems just as confused as you are:

"Maybe the Giant Robot Mecha Battle is being controlled by Dracula and Edward Cullen," suggests the Pope. "You know—vampires somehow."

"That sounds like Naturalistic Evolution!" bellows Henry VIII. "Off with their heads!"

But this seems to reassure John Piper, and he says:

Well, with all this expert theological advice you're getting, clearly the best thing to do is:

Obviously, since it's the Fellowship Hall that the giant mecha robots are currently smashing, the right thing to do is to fellowship with them like John Piper suggested. But how do you even fellowship with a robot? What if they're controlled by vampires? Tricky.

Do you:

"Giant robots!" you yell to the giant robots. "I'd like to introduce you to this bear—y'know, I didn't even catch your name?"

"GRRRRRRRRRRRRR," says the bear.

"This is GRRRRRRRRRRRRR, and we are to be married!" you yell. "And we wanted to invite you to fellowship with us and—"

"—And do intentional community!" you yell to the giant robots.

The robots blink. "DOES NOT COMPUTE."

"You know: Doing life together missionally in a loving community of grace-minded individuals seeking to grow authentically in—"

"SYNTAX ERROR!" yell the robots.

Uh-oh. You…

"Here!" you yell to the robots. "Read this book and you'll understand."

The robots look at the book you handed them. "'DON'T WASTE YOUR PURPOSE-DRIVEN BEST LIFE NOW'?" they read aloud. "ERR: INPUT INVALID."

"I guess that didn't help!" you tell the robots. "You better talk to…"

"…Our church bookstore!" you conclude after a pause. "Which coincidentally is called 'The Hand.'"

"What are books?" say the giant robots. "We are from the future where everyone only uses Twitter."

"Heresy!" yells Calvin.

"Off with their heads!" yells Henry VIII.

Well then…

"Excuse me, Mr. Pope?" you say. (You think that's how you address the Pope.) "Does the Vatican have an official position on Giant Killer Robots and what kind of books we should give them to introduce them to the humanities?"

The Pope considers, then pulls up this article…

"All right then," you say to the Pope. "I'm going to let you handle this one, since you've clearly put a disturbing amount of thought into it already, and I'll just go over here and…"

You turn to the bear and blink. "Do you ever feel like a month went by and you didn't notice?"

"GRRRRRRR," says the bear.

"That's what I thought," you reply. "Well, we need to plan our wedding. And even though this is a megachurch, there's not much room. We should not invite…"

"I know we originally said we wanted John Piper to officiate the wedding," you remark, having just looked up and remembered this, "but the more I think about it, maybe we shouldn't invite him. He's got some really weird views on what 'biblical marriage' means…"

"GRRRRRRRR," agrees the bear.

"But if John Piper isn't going to officiate the wedding, we'll need someone else to do it!" you say. "Let's see: with all these famous historical people here in the church battling the giant mecha robot vampires, we should totally ask…"

"…Of course, the Prophet Elisha should officiate our wedding!" you say to the bear. "But that's kind of awkward to ask, because this whole thing started when I mocked him for being a bald head. What should I say to him?"

"GRRRRRRRR," says the bear.

You assume this means…

"Go up, thou bald head"?! You've heard those blasphemous words before! Could it be you're stuck in a weird time loop like Groundhog Day? Is the only way out of your predicament to mess with the past? With a huge flash—

You’re stuck in an evangelical megachurch. You look around…

It's never a bad time to start a pie fight, you think to yourself quite sensibly. Seeing a nearby table of baked goods, you pick up a handy lemon meringue. But whom to throw it at? Nobody seems to be around since time reset itself. Pie in hand, you go cautiously toward…

You creep cautiously toward the steeple, wondering where everyone has gone for you to throw your pie at them. It's quiet… too quiet. Up the winding staircase, you pass a long-abandoned pipe organ and an overhead projector. Suddenly you hear a noise and spin around. Oh no! It's—

A shadowy masked figure drops from the rafters, twirling its cloak. "Who are you?" you shout, your pie at the ready. "What's your name and what are you doing here?"

In a reedy voice, the masked figure declares:

"Oh no, not you again," you groan. "I don't know what's going on here this time, but clearly the only thing to do now is—

You reach over to grab the rope and ring the church bell. But the rope falls soundlessly through your fingers and down to the ground below.

"The bell! It's been stolen!" you shout. "Who could have stolen a church bell?"

With a twirl of his cape, The Calvinist cackles:

"Did— did you set that whole thing up just for that terrible joke?" you yell. "Robbed a bell? What even—"

But with another twirl of his cloak, The Calvinist swings away down the stairs of the steeple. Quickly, you…

You rush to the roof and spy the bat signal! Pausing for only a moment to wonder how this Evangelical megachurch even got a bat signal, you pull the lever and project a brightly lit image onto the dark storm clouds. But what's this? It's the symbol of…

Soaring up to the church roof comes… a cucumber with a mask with suction cups for ears? "The world needs a hero!" he declares. "But not just an ordinary hero, no! A special hero! A super hero! I am that hero! They call me... LarryBoy!"

Well okay, then. Not wasting time, you…

"Where did Piper go?" you ask.
"Who?" says LarryBoy.
"The Calvinist?" you ask.
"That what-vinist?" says LarryBoy.
"The guy with the weird tweets?"
"Now you're just kidding me," says LarryBoy.
"Oh, go up, thou bald head!" you yell. You hear a faint growl. Uh-oh., Quickly, you…

"What's that about my head?" says LarryBoy ominously. But you know that growling sound: there have to be bears around here somewhere! Now where could they have gotten to? You already checked the fellowship area, maybe try looking in…

You head toward the Narthex… You start to chuckle. What a funny word! Narthex. Any ordinary place would call it an entryway or a foyer but no, in church it's gotta be a Narthex. NARTHEX! Hey, a fun word to yell! You can't help yourself. You raise your voice and yell: