As a tribute to the classic Monty Python and the Holy Grail, I have put together a Trumped version of it.

Warning: For those who haven't seen the movie some scenes may be meh to you.

Warning 2: Also, for those who haven't seen the movie, you're dead to me!

SCENE 1 – TRUMP AND SWALWELL

[Trump rides up to Swalwell Castle on Devin Nunes]

Trump: It is I, Trump, son of a racist, from the Tower of Trump, King of the Morons, defeater of Justice sovereign of all Russia, and President of the US.

Schiff: And who is that you’re riding?

Trump: This is my trusted patsy, Nunes. We have traveled the length and breadth of the land in search of traitors who will join my administration in DC. I must speak with your lord and master.

Schiff: Lord and master? You realize we still have a Democracy, right?

Trump: Everyone has a price. I will spend my billions to buy your loyalty.

Schiff: Billions?

Trump: Yes, billions.

Schiff: You have filed bankruptcy six times. You can’t run a casino. You can’t sell steaks. You can’t even sell bottled water.

Trump: So? I have enormous wealth, and I will use it to buy politicians throughout the land.

Schiff: Where’d you get the billions?

Trump: Through my vast real estate empire. I build the greatest building in the world. The best!

Schiff: You build buildings?!

Trump: Yes, the greatest in the land. The best.

Schiff: Don’t you mostly put your name on buildings?

Trump: Well, yes, so?

Schiff: That’s hardly building anything except maybe a brand, right?

Trump: Well, it doesn’t matter. I have enormous wealth, and I seek to buy members of your party to join my administration. Go tell Swalwell I am here to pay for his loyalty.

Schiff [to Swallwell]: Swalwell, do you hear this?

Swalwell: He’s here to buy my loyalty?

Schiff: That’s what he says?

Swalwell: Does he have the right Swalwell?

Schiff [to Trump]: Are you seeking Eric Swalwell or a different Swalwell?

Trump: I don’t know his first name. The Congressman Swalwell.

Schiff: You’re the President of the United States and you don’t know his first name?

Trump: Will you just ask him if he’ll join my administration in DC?!

Schiff [to Swalwell]: I could understand if he didn’t know how to spell Eric.

Swalwell: Yes, perhaps with a K or C K at the end.

Schiff: Or, perhaps with an A at the beginning.

Swalwell: You mean A R I C?!

Schiff: Yes, that’s what I mean.

Swalwell: That might be an old Norse Swalwell but not an American Swalwell.

Schiff: Perhaps your parents were of European descent and named you after a relative.

Swalwell: Oh, yeah, I could see that-

Trump: Will Congressman Swalwell join my administration in DC?

Schiff [to Swallwell]: What if they named you after a famous actor. Then it could be any spelling really.

Swalwell [to Schiff]: True. Actors like strange spellings. That’s possible.

[Trump rides away on Nunes]

SCENE 2 – THE CORPSE COLLECTOR
[A Corpse Collector pulling a cart of dead Republicans comes to DC]

Corpse Collector: Bring out your dead!

[clang]

Bring out your dead!

[clang]

Bring out your dead!

[A GOP member throws a Republican on the heaping cart]

Bring out your dead!

[Enter Democrat carrying a Republican over his shoulder]

Democrat: Here’s one.

Republican: I’m not dead!

Corpse Collector: What?

Democrat: Nothing.

Republican: I’m not dead!

Corpse Collector: He says he’s not dead!

Democrat: Yes, he is.

Republican: I’m not!

Corpse Collector: He isn’t.

Democrat: Well, he will be soon. His career is very ill.

Republican: It’ll get better. We passed our tax cuts!

Corpse Collector: You’re counting on your tax cuts to save you?

Republican: Well, yes, why?

Corpse Collector: Throw him on the cart.

Democrat: Ah, thanks very much.

Corpse Collector: Not at all. See you after the next special election.

SCENE 3 – TRUMP AND CONGRESS WOMAN KAMALA

Trump: Old woman!

Woman: Old woman?!

Trump: Who lives in that castle over there?

Woman: I’m fifty-three.

Trump: What?

Woman: I’m fifty-three. That’s not old!

Trump: Well, I just can’t call you woman.

Woman: Well, you could call me Kamala.

Trump: Well, I didn’t know you were named Kamala.

Woman: I’m a member of Congress! Do you know anything at all?

Trump: To be fair, it’s hard to know all your names. You all look like Omarosa-

Woman: What I object to is you automatically treat me like an inferior!

Trump: Well, I am president-

Woman: Oh, president, eh? And how did you get that exactly?

Trump: I was elected by the people. The biggest win ever! They said it couldn’t be done!

Woman: But you lost the popular vote by over 2 million people.

Trump: Well, if you remove the dead people and illegals who voted then I won the popular vote.

Woman: You mean to tell me that millions of dead people voted? Has the US been overrun by zombies?

Trump: It could happen. It could so happen.

Nunes: It could.

Woman: So, you’re telling me that millions of zombies stumbled into voting booths throughout the country and interrupted their feasting on brains to cast votes for Hillary Clinton?

Trump: Yes, something like that.

Woman: You’re fooling yourself. We’re living in a dictatorship, a self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working class is being deceived by your propaganda-

Trump: I am in haste. Who lives in that castle?

Woman: No one lives there.

Trump: Then who is your lord?

Woman: We don’t have a lord.

Trump: What?

Woman: We’re a representative democracy. We are elected by the people and serve their interests-

Trump: That’s all good, but who do you really serve? Soros? Lobbyists?

Woman: We are bound to serve the people of our districts and to govern by the rule of law while-

Trump: Be quiet!

Woman: The House of Representatives and the Senate work together to-

Trump: I order you too be quiet! I am your president!

Woman: Well, I didn’t vote for you! Hardly anyone did from California!

Trump: California?! That’s not a red state. I don’t care about California.

Woman: So, you’re only president of the red states?! Most Americans throughout the country didn’t vote for you.

Trump: I won the electoral college.

Woman: And do you even know what that is?!

Trump: I sooo know what it is.

Woman: Then explain it to me.

Trump: It’s a great college that many, many people are talking about. A great place. The best. A lot of people are saying how great it is. And they electoraled me to be president.

Woman: Yes, that’s what I thought. It’s like Trump University but where the entire population of the country gets screwed instead of just the people who pay tuition.

Trump: It’s all legal.

Woman: So, you colluded with the Russians to release damaging information about Hillary while spreading lies on social media using data stolen from Facebook and using Fox News to air propaganda on your behalf, and this is legal?

Woman: Presidents are supposed to be elected by the will of the people not from some farcical, rigged election-

Trump: Shut up!

Woman: I mean, if I colluded with the Russians and used stolen data to manipulate social media, and I had my own propaganda station then I could be president. Oh, wait, I’m black. I’d be in prison. In any event, what you did is illegal and-

Trump: Shut up!

Woman: Not to mention financial help by the Kochs and the NRA which, by the way, funneled money from the Russians-

[Trump rides away on Nunes’ back]

SCENE 4 – TRUMP AND THE WHITE KNIGHT

[Trump rides up on Nunes as he watches the white knight, Jeff Sessions, speaking at a rally]

Trump: You speak with the wordiness of the whitest knights, little elf.

[no response]

Trump: I am Trump, king of the Morons.

[no response]

Trump: I seek the whitest knights in the land to join in my administration.

[no response]

Trump: You have proved yourself worthy. Will you join me in ending the Mueller investigation?

[no response]

Trump: You make me sad. So be it.

[Mounts Nunes] Come, Nunes, draft a memo. [Tries to circumvent Sessions]

White Knight: None shall pass!

Trump: What?

White Knight: None shall pass!

Trump: I have no quarrel with you elfish white knight, but I must end the investigation.

White Knight: Then your presidency shall die!

Trump: I command you, as king of the Morons, to stand aside!

White Knight: I move…for no man.

Trump: So be it!

[Trump Tweets and speaks disparaging remarks about Sessions. Calls him names. Emasculates him in front of Nunes. The battle continues until Trump figuratively severs the White Knights balls and puts them in a jar. The White Knight drops to his knees.]

Trump: Now stand aside, little elf.

White Knight: This is but a scratch!

Trump: A scratch?! I have your balls in a jar!

[Trump shows Sessions the jar]

White Knight: Wait! What else do you have in there?!

Trump: The balls of Paul Ryan, Lindsay Graham, among others.

White Knight: I will fight you until the end!

Trump: Look you stupid elf. I have your balls in a jar. Everybody knows it. Stop pretending to care what I do!

White Knight: You shall not pass!

[White Knight moves to the side on his knees and winks]

Trump: Oh, I see. Come Nunes!

White Knight: I stand..errr…kneel for justice!

[Trump rides Nunes past the White Knight]

White Knight: Did the lawyers see that?! I tried to stop you! You saw it! Everyone saw it!

SCENE 5 – TRUMP AND THE WITCH HUNT

[Hannity addressing a crowd of Trump supporters after Trump Tweets that the Mueller investigation is a witch hunt]

Hannity: It’s a witch hunt! Just a witch hunt!

Supporter: Trump is a witch?!

Hannity: No! He’s not a witch!

Supporter: The TV box on another channel called him a witch!

Supporter 2: Other channels?! There are other channels?! He’s a witch?!! WITCH!!

Hannity: No, he’s not a witch! Let me prove it to you. What do you do with witches?

Crowd: Burn! Burn them up!

Hannity: And what do you burn apart from witches?

Supporter: More witches! Hillary! Benghazi!

Supporter 2: Evidence in Trump Tower! Emails!

Supporter 3: Wood!

Hannity: Yes! Wood! So, why do witches burn?

Supporter 3: B… Because they’re made of wood?

Hannity: Good!

Crowd: Oh yeah, yeah.

Hannity: So, how do you we tell whether Trump is made of wood?

Supporter 1: Build a bridge out of him?

Hannity: Ah, but can you not also build bridges out of stone?

Supporter 2: Oh, yeah.

Hannity: Does wood sink in water?

[Blank stare from crowd. Hannity prompts them by shaking head.]

Supporter 1: No!

Supporter 2: It floats! It floats!

Supporter 3: Lock her up!

Hannity: What also floats?

Supporter 1: The emails!

Supporter 2: Boats with the emails!

Supporter 3: Sailors in boats with the emails!

Hannity: No!

[Hannity under breath, “my viewers are such morons”]

Hannity: Ducks! Ducks float!

Crowd: Oooh.

Hannity: So, logically…

[Crowd with blank stares]

Hannity: Logically…if he weighs more than a duck he’s not a witch!

Crowd: Oooh.

Hannity: And how much does Trump weigh?!

Supporter 1: 239 pounds!

Hannity: That’s right! A svelte, sexy 239 pounds of virile manhood.

[Hannity pauses]

Hannity: And is that not more than a duck?!

[Crowd with blank stares]

[Hannity prompts them with a nod]

Supporter 2: Yes!

Hannity: Yes! It’s a LOT more than a duck!

[Hannity under breath, “morons”]

[Trump arrives on the scene]

Trump: Good Sir Hannity, will you join my administration in DC, and join me in the Oval Office?

Hannity: My liege! I would be honored.

Trump: What is your name?

Hannity: Sean Hannity, my liege, but isn’t it better if I work for you covertly on Fox News so I can spread your propaganda to the masses?

Trump: Oh, that’s right. Carry on.

[Trump rides off on Nunes and asks, “Nunes, what’s a liege?”]

SCENE 6 – TRUMP AT THE CANADIAN WALL

[The scene is at a vast wall stretching across the Canadian border. Trump is attempting to travel north into Canada because he has heard there are a lot of white folk up there.]

Trump: Hello?

Trudeau: [Atop wall] Allo! Who iz it?

Trump: It is I, Trump, son of a racist, from the Tower of Trump, King of the Morons, defeater of Justice, sovereign of all Russia, and President of the US. Whose castle is this?

Trudeau: This is no castle. It is merely a wall to keep the Americans out.

Trump: A wall to keep the Americans out?! You can’t do that!

Trudeau: Alas, we must! We can’t have rapists and racists pouring into our country with your guns and drugs.

Trump: I demand you let us through or I will pull out of NAFTA and impose tariffs on your goods.

Trudeau: You already said you’re going to do that.

Trump: I’ll do it again!

Macron: You don’t frighten us, American pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottoms, son of a racist person. I blow my nose on you, so called Trump-president, you and all your silly American kanffffigggets.

Nunes: What a strange person.

Trump: Macaroni, is that you?! Why would you taunt me?! We held hands!

Macron: I don’t want wanna talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal food trough wiper! I fffart in your general direction!

Macron: Your mother was a hamster, and your racist father smelt of elderberries!

Trump: Is this about the Paris climate thing? Iran?

Macron: Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time-a!

Trump: Now, this is your last chance. I’ve been more than reasonable. People are saying very reasonable, in fact. The most reasonable ever.

Trudeau: What people?

Trump: Huh?

Trudeau: You always speak of “people.” Where are these people you always speak of?

Trump: Oh, there are people. They’re around. Many, many of them.

Trudeau: Name one!

Trump: Name one?

Trudeau: Yes, name one of these “people” you always mention.

Trump: Uh, well, there’s John Barron-

Trudeau: That was proven to be you!

Trump: Uh, John Miller.

Trudeau: You!

Trump: Look! It’s not important! Let us pass through the wall!

Macron: Fetchez la Obama!

Trudeau: Barrack, check this out!

Obama: What’s going on here? Is that Trump and Nunes down there?

Trump: Run away! Run away!

[As Trump and Nunes run away]

Nunes: Why is Obama always invited to the cool stuff?

Trump: Shut up!

SCENE 7 – PAUL RYAN AND THE THREE HEADED GIANT

Narrator: The Tale of Paul Ryan. While Trump sought to recruit the most corrupt Republicans throughout the land, Paul Ryan did his bidding in the House so that he could pass his tax plan.

Minstrel [singing]: Bravely bold Paul Ryan, brought forth his tax plan

He was not afraid of political suicide. O! Brave Paul Ryan.

He was not at all afraid to end his career in disgraceful ways.

Brave, brave, brave, brave Paul Ryan!

Minstrel [singing]: He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed in the polls,

To have his reputation fed to the wolves,

And his party abandoned and left to die, brave Paul Ryan!

Minstrel [singing]: His aspirations dashed and his heart cut out,

And his dreams removed, and his legacy killed,

And his…

Ryan: That’s – that’s, uh, enough music for now, minstrel.

Three-Headed Giant: Halt! Who art thou?

Minstrel [singing]: He is brave Sir Ryan! Brave Sir Ryan, who –

Ryan: [To minstrel] Shut up! [to Giant] Um, n-n-nobody really. I’m just um, just passing bad legislation.

Giant: What do you want?

Minstrel [singing]: to fight, and –

Ryan: [To minstrel] Shut up! [to Giant] Um, n-nothing, nothing really. I, uh, j-j-just to um, p-pass crappy legislation good sir knight.

Giant: I’m afraid not!

Ryan: Ah. W-well, actually, I am Speaker of the House and a knight of Trump’s administration.

Giant: I thought the House was separate from the administration. Isn’t that what our founders intended?

Ryan: Well, I needed to get my tax plan passed so -

Giant Left, Democrat Head: So, I shall have to kill you!

Giant Middle, Independent Head: Shall I?

Giant Right, Republican Head: Oh, I don’t think so.

Giant Middle, Independent Head: Well, what do I think?

Giant Left, Democrat Head: Well, I think kill him.

Giant Right, Republican Head: Well let’s be nice to him. We got a tax cut.

Giant Left, Democrat Head: Oh, shut up.

[Ryan sneaks off to “retire” with the minstrel]

Minstrel [singing]: Brave Sir Ryan ran away.

Ryan: No!

Minstrel [singing]: Bravely ran away, away.

Ryan: I didn’t!

Minstrel [singing]: When polls reared its ugly head,

He bravely turned his tail and fled.

Ryan: No!

Minstrel [singing]: yes, brave Paul Ryan turn about

Ryan: I didn’t!

Minstrel [singing]: He passed his tax plan

Then bravely took to his feet

Ryan: I never did!

Minstrel [singing]: He beat a very brave retreat

Ryan: Oh, lie!

Minstrel [singing]: Bravest the brave, Sir Ryan!

Ryan: I never!

SCENE 8 – TRUMP AT STORMY CASTLE

Trump: Open the door! Open the door! In the name of the king of the Morons, open the door!

Stormy [senses opportunity]: Welcome Sir Trump. Welcome to Stormy Castle. I will tend to your every need!

Trump: You will spank me with a Forbes magazine while I fantasize about my daughter?

Stormy [gags then composes herself]: Why, uh, of course. I’m into that.

[Stormy gags again]

Stormy: Drop them and bend over!

[Trump removes pants and bends over]

[Stormy gags again]

Trump: Spank me! I’ve been a bad daddy! Spank me with Forbes!

[Stormy gags again]

Stormy: Yes, sir! [spanks Trump]

Trump: May I call you Ivanka?

Stormy: That’ll cost you a lot.

Trump: Name your price!

Stormy: 130 thousand dollars! [spanks Trump again]

Trump: It’s yours Ivanka! You just need to sign my NDA.

Stormy: Wait! I get 130 thousand dollars AND get to conceal I had sex with you? Bonus! Consider it signed!

[Stormy spanks Trump again, chokes down vomit]

SCENE 9 – TRUMP AND THE KNIGHTS OF NIL

[Trump rides Nunes through the forest until they are confronted by the Head Knight of Nil]

Head Knight of Nil: Nil!

Other Knights of Nil: Nil! Nil! Nil!

Trump: Who are you?

Head Knight: We are the Knights who say…Nil!

Other Knights of Nil: Nil!

Head Knight: We are the keepers of the sacred words: Nil, Nothing and Nada!

Knights of Nil: Nada!

Nunes [to Trump]: Is that McConnell wearing an antler helmet over a Klan hood?

Trump [to Nunes]: Shh, I find it best to not ask questions.

Trump: So, you will say, Nil, Nothing, Nada when I do bad things?

Knights of Nil: Nil!

Trump: Senate Republicans….uh, I mean, Knights of Nil, we are but simple travelers who seek the enchanter who lives beyond these woods.

Knights of Nil: Nil! Nil! Nil! Nil!

Head Knight: We shall say “nil” again to you if you do not appease us.

Trump: Well, what is it you want?

Head Knight: We want… a shrubbery!

[dramatic music]

Trump: A what?

Head Knight: Nil! Nil!

Trump: Please! I have not a shrubbery but would you settle for a Ryan tax plan?

Head Knight: One that favors the rich?

Trump: Of course, what other kind would there be?

Head Knight: And reduces the corporate tax rate?

Trump: I assume so. I didn’t really read any of it.

Head Knight: Hmm, ok. Now…go and fetch us this tax plan! And we will continue to say Nil, Nothing and Nada!

[Trump rides Nunes away]

Nunes: Was that all of the Republican Senators dressed in Klan robes?

Trump: I said don’t ask questions.

SCENE 10 – TRUMP AND ERIC AT TRUMP TOWER

[The scene is in the window of Trump Tower]

Trump: One day, Not Don Jr, all this will be yours!

Eric: What, the curtains?

Trump: No, not the curtains, Not Don Jr. All that you can see! All of Manhattan! This’ll be your kingdom!

Eric: But, mother –

Trump: Father. I’m father.

Eric: But Father, I don’t want any of that.

Trump: Listen, Not Don Jr. I’ve built my empire up from nothing.

Eric: Well, you did get a lot of help from your father –

Trump: Nothing! When I started here, all there was was a swamp. All the people told me to drain the swamp, but I refused! They said I was a moron to build a high rise in a swamp, but I built it all the same, just to show ‘em. It sank into the swamp – so I built a second one.

Trump: That sank into the swamp. So I build a third one. That burned down, fell over, then sank into the swamp. But the fourth one stayed up. And that’s what you’re gonna get, Not Don Jr, the gaudiest building in Manhattan built in a swamp!

Eric: But what about Don Jr?

Trump: He’ll be in prison.

Eric: And Ivanka?

Trump: Prison.

Eric: Tiffany?

Trump: Who?

Eric: Unpretty Ivanka?

Trump: Oh, yes, not her. I need my empire to be controlled by a man, or you.

Eric: What about Barron?

Trump: Who?

SCENE 11 – TRUMP AND THE KNIGHTS OF NIL, TAKE 2

[Trump rides Nunes back into the forest to meet the Knights of Nil]

Trump: O Knights of Nil, we have brought you the Ryan tax plan. May we go now?

Head Knight of Nil: It is a good tax plan. I like how it gives a few pennies to the poor so they won’t complain, but there is one small problem.

Trump: What is that?

Head Knight: We are now…no longer the Knights Who Say Nil. We are now the Knights Who Stay Silent!

Head Knight: Therefore, we must give you a test.

Trump: What is this test O Knights Who Stay Silent?

Head Knight: First, you must repeal…the ACA!

Trump: What’s that?

Nunes [whispers to Trump]: ObamaCare.

Trump: Oh, you mean ObamaCare?

Head Knight: Aaaugh!

Knights: He said the word!!

Trump: What word? All I said was ObamaCare.

Knights: Aaaugh!!

Head Knight: Stop saying the word!

Trump: I'm just saying Obama-

Knights: Aaaaauughh!!!!!!

Head Knight: Go! Leave!

Trump: Sooo, we're good?

Head Knight: Yes, all we wanted was an evil tax plan. We don't care what you do now.

Trump: Ok, then. Nunes! We're off!

SCENE 12 – TRUMP AND THE KNIGHTS MEET THE ENCHANTER
[Trump has assembled a team of traitors…errr… knights and spot an enchanter atop an outcropping sitting in front of a computer]

Trump: Aren’t you supposed to be casting spells and summoning up fire?

Enchanter: That’s old school. Today we cast our spells through the internet.

Trump: By what name are you known?

Enchanter: There are some who call me…Vlad?

Trump: Greetings Vlad.

Enchanter: You will call me Mr Putin.

Trump: Yes, of course, Mr Putin.

Enchanter: You seek… another term!

Trump: Actually, this presidenting thing takes away from my golf so I was thinking –

Enchanter: YOU SEEK ANOTHER TERM!

Trump: Oh, right, yes, of course.

Knights: Yes, yup, yes, yeah.

Trump: So, we’re – we’re looking for it.

Enchanter: I can help you!

[The Enchanter furiously types on his keyboard]

[Trump and Knights yawn]

Trump: This would be a lot more exciting if there were fireworks or something.

Enchanter: Silence! I could poison you with a radioactive material or a nerve agent. Or perhaps one of your knights could accidently fly out of a hotel window!

Trump: Uh, we’re good.

Enchanter: Now you must head to the golf course at Lake of the Hoes. Oh, my bad, I mean Lake Tahoe.

Trump: Where could we find this golf course?

Enchanter: Follow! [Knights begin to follow] But! [they halt] follow only if ye be men of valor, fo’ the entrance to this golf course is guarded by a creature so foul, so cruel tha’ no man yet has fought with I’ and lived!

Enchanter: Bones of full fifty Republicans lie strewn abou’ its lair. So, brave knights, if you do doub’ your courage or your strength, come n’ further, for death awaits you with nasty big pointy teeth!

Nunes: Why is Putin talking with a Scottish accent?

Trump: Because the author didn’t want to go through the hassle of changing the Scottish to Russian.

Nunes: Oh, yes, of course.

SCENE 13 – TRUMP AND THE KNIGHTS GET THEIR BUTTS KICKED
[Trump, the Knights and the Enchanter arrive at the golf course]

Enchanter: Behold! The sand trap at the ninth hole!

Trump: I don’t see anything.

[Karen McDougal pokes her head out of the sand trap wearing a Playboy bunny outfit]

Enchanter: There she is!

Trump: What, behind the bunny?

Enchanter: It IS the bunny!

Trump: You got us all worked up for a bunny?!

Enchanter: Well, that’s no ordinary bunny. That’s the most foul, cruel and bad-tempered bunny you ever set eyes on.

Nunes: I soiled my Underoos I was so scared!

Enchanter: Look, that bunny’s got a vicious streak a mile wide. It’s a killer!

Cohen: I’ll take care of her.

Enchanter: I’m warnin’ you!

Cohen: What’s she going to do, nibble my ear?

Enchanter [with hand gestures]: she’s got huge, ample – She can bend like a – Look at the bones!

Trump: Go on Cohen. Take care of her.

[Cohen approaches the Playboy bunny, Karen McDougal, in the sand trap]

Enchanter: Look!

Cohen: Aaugh!

[McDougal leaps in the air, spins, and chops Cohen’s head off with her spikey stilettos]

Trump: I’ve never been so aroused. I mean. That was terrible! Yes, terrible.

Knights: Charge!

Pence: I better stay back here with you. Mother would not approve of me being that close to her.

[McDougal lays waste to the Knights with a series of high kicks and spins]

Knights: Run away! Run away!

[The Knights retreat back to Trump]

Trump: How will we defeat her? She’s so powerful. I won’t even Tweet about her. I’m powerless against her.

Nunes: Let us taunt her! We could demand she release documents to us and–

Trump: What documents?

Nunes: Hmm.

Pence: We have the Holy Hand Grenade.

Enchanter: How could you have anything holy?!

Pence: The evangelicals love Trump.

Enchanter: But he is almost as vile as me. How is this possible?

Pence: Unlimited mulligans.

Enchanter: Ah.

Trump: Consult the Book of Armaments!

Pence: “And Saint Reagan raised the hand grenade up on high saying, “Oh, Lord, bless this thy hand grenade that with it though mayest blow thy enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy.”

Pence: “And the Lord spake, saying, ‘First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then, shalt though count to three. No more. No less. Three shalt be the number though shalt count, and the number of the counting shalt be three."

Pence: "Four shalt though not count, nor either count thou two, excepting that though then proceed to three. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest though thy Holy Hand Grenade of Reagan towards thy foe and snuff it.”

Ryan: Amen.

Trump: Right! [pulls pin] One…two… you know they said I could never win the election-

Nunes: Three, sir!

Trump: Three! [lobs grenade]

[The Holy Hand Grenade of Reagan sails in the sand trap and is caught by Michael Avenatti who closes his fist around it; smiles, and lets it explode letting out just a small puff of smoke from between his fingers as he smiles]

Trump: Ok, well, I think we’re done here.

Knights: Run away! Run away!

[Trump mounts Nunes and rides away as the Knights run on foot]

Nunes: Isn’t Stormy the one we’re worried about and why was Michael Avenatti with Karen McDougal?!

Trump: The author needed a bunny to attack. Call it creative license. Work with him here. It’s not easy rewriting this whole story!

Nunes: Gotcha.

SCENE 14 – TRUMP AND HIS KNIGHTS AT THE POLLING BOOTH OF DEATH

[The scene is at bridge with Trump and the Knights on one side and the Polling Booth of Eternal Peril on the other. Voters are seen going in and out while scowling at Trump and the Knights]

Trump: There it is! The Polling Booth of Death!

Nunes: Isn’t that just a regular polling booth?

Trump: Well, yes, but they’re all Polling Booths of Death for Republicans this year.

Ryan: Yup, that’s why I’m retiring to “spend more time with family.”

[Trump and Knights all laugh]
Trump: “Family.” Ha, ha. That’s a good one.

Nunes: We need to get to the polling booths and –

Ryan: Look! It’s Mueller!

Trump: What’s he doing here?!

Ryan: He’s the keeper of democracy and justice.
.
Nunes: Yes, the enemy.

Ryan: He asks each Republican three questions –

Trump: Questions?! Isn’t that a perjury trap?!

Ryan: You don’t even know what types of questions he’s going to ask?!

Trump: Exactly! Perjury trap! WITCH HUNT!

Nunes: What if you get a question wrong?

Ryan: Then you are cast into a federal prison.

Trump: See?! Perjury trap!

Ryan: You just need to not lie and –

Trump: PERJURY TRAP! WITCH HUNT!

Ryan: But if you just tell the tru-

Trump: Send Don Jr first!

Don Jr: Me?!

Trump: Go! I have faith in you son! You can do it!

[Don Jr walks towards Mueller]
Trump [whispers to Ryan]: He’s going to prison isn’t he?

Ryan: Oh, yes. No doubt.

[Don Jr reaches Mueller]
Mueller: Stop! What is your name?!

Don Jr: Uh, Donald Trump Junior.

Mueller: What…is your quest?

Don Jr: To seek a second term so we can continue to establish a kleptocracy and amass great wealth at the expense of –

Ryan [Yelling across bridge]: I think you answered the question sufficiently!

Mueller: How do you spell Congressman Eric Swalwell’s first name?

Don Jr: Uh, I don’t know, is it an old Norse or American spelling?

Mueller: It’s the same spelling as your brother’s name!

Don Jr: Oh, I’ve got this! B-

[Don Jr flies over the edge of the bridge and lands in a federal prison]
Don Jr: Aaugh!!!

Trump: PERJURY TRAP! WITCH HUNT! Turn around. We need to find another way!