A THREAD: I have an amazing partner who has BPD, and because it’s BPD awareness month I’m gonna give u a crash course in dating someone with BPD.

My partner has what we call “moments”. We call them that because it’s non-descript and it ensures that no one around us knows what’s going on but us.

Making your partner feel safe to say “I’m struggling rn” is so integral to dating anyone, but more important with mental health

When my partner has these moments, I make sure to do my best to comfort them.

It’s important to know that sometimes there is nothing you can do but be there and offer your presence, and that is okay.

Sometimes my partner struggles to be open about whatever is bothering them, and that’s okay.

The question to ask is “what can I do to help you.” Not necessarily “what’s wrong” because generally it’s a multitude of things.

My partner has mannerisms and there are always meta-messages that they send out through body language and facial expressions that tell me that something is wrong.

Knowing the difference between regular upset and triggered upset is crucial.

Knowing and understanding triggers for the person you’re dating is important, but so is creating a judgement free space for them to tell you what is triggering/ what their triggers are, is absolutely necessary to ensure that you are not triggering/retraumatizing them.

Being aware of your partners self destructive behaviours will help you notice/infer/predict what is going on, and how to mitigate (not fix, never fix) the issue in the present.

Part of love is taking care, not just of that person physically, but also emotionally and mentally.

Understanding what is going on neurologically is also an asset. Understanding what is going on in their brain that makes BPD so debilitating helps you understand how their thought process works and how best to support that person.

Part of BPD is having this constant fear of being left, while also simultaneously pushing people away, which is a complicated paradox that creates problems in most relationships.

Understanding that is crucial to the success of the relationship.

Watch. Read. Research. Listen. Understand.

Those are the five components of BPD awareness as someone who is in a relationship with someone with BPD.

Don’t make your partner do all of the emotional labour, a lot of that learning comes down on you.

Want it, learn it, DO IT.

Understand that dating someone with BPD means dating someone who loves you more than you will ever be capable of loving them.

It’s their brain chemistry. They’re addicted to you, and you have to accept that.

Now there are other challenges that come from that, like a general possessiveness that can seem overbearing, verging on abusive at times.

And it’s not to say that it can’t be, but more often, it only seems that way. Most of the time it’s ACTUALLY out of love. Not out of power.

I only know that because I’ve experienced it. I know what it feels like to love someone who loves you 10x more than you can even imagine.

They worship the ground you walk on, which is why they’re usually afraid they aren’t enough.

Your partner with BPD will give you the shirt off of their back in the dead of winter- they will go above and beyond to make you as happy as you make them, which can sometimes lead to them burning out.

It’s important that you are aware that sometimes your partner with BPD might say some hurtful shit in the heat of the moment (like anyone else) but because they generally have a better idea of what will hurt you the most, they’ll say that to get a reaction.

That isn’t to excuse the behaviour, but it’s an explanation.

And when we get a logical and cogent explanation, it’s easier to forgive, and accept; and also much easier to come up with better methods of approaching a situation/conversation.

Your partner with BPD loves you. Even if they show it in a weird, abrasive and counter intuitive way.

Show them that you love them too.

Let’s be real though, dating someone with BPD has a lot more to do with YOU, than your partner with BPD.

It comes down to your attitude, to your mindset, and whether or not YOU are capable of being truly compassionate.

It comes down to you, and whether or not YOU read the literature, and YOU take the time to understand, and YOU develop ways of communicating with your partner.

Your partner doesn’t need to read up on their disorder, they already have, and they are the experts of their experience

That also means that their way of thinking, and of acting due to their different neural pathways, means that often times it’s difficult to change that thinking or that acting.

Which is why supporting your partner with medication/CBT/DBT is a good bet.

That isn’t to say that you should force them to do any of them. BUT when they want to go and know they should go, you definitely should offer some support even if it’s encouragement or seem like a little tough love.

NEVER NEVER EVER USE BPD TO WIN AM AGRUMENT/TO FIGHT.

it will literally make your partner regret ever telling you. You will lose all trust and all credibility.

Sure, ask if there is a “moment” happening, but not to fight, to help.

That’s your job.

You’re supposed to be a supportive person not a drill sergeant.

You’re job is to support, not to direct, not to police, not to control. The second you get your roles messed up- that bond of trust is gone in an instant.

They will feel bad, but they’ll go about life much smoother than you, because guess what: you won’t be the first person who didn’t get them, and who didn’t care to learn.

This isnt their first rodeo.

The truth of the matter is, your partner has planned for the worst possibilities, and for all the potential outcomes.

But don’t be surprised if they haven’t planned to built a future with you, or are unsure how to.

They didn’t plan for a successful relationship, they planned for a failure. AND ITS OKAY TO ACKNOWLEDGE THAT IT HAS NOTHING TO SO WITH HOW GOOD OR BAD OF A PARTNER YOU MAY OR MAY NOT BE.

They honestly don’t plan to be happy.

Think about that for a second.

Your partner has no expectation of happiness in the long term, only for now in this moment with you. And even then, they’ve planned for it to go down in flames at a moments notice.

So when you’re over there thinking about futures, and are questioning why your partner doesn’t know what they want; it’s because they have legitimately NEVER planned for a future, they have no clue what they want in that respect, other than to be with you.

You are your partners life.

They will give their everything for you. They live for you, and would (probably) die for you.

And how shit of a partner you are if you can’t acknowledge that, and operate from a mindset that understands and legitimizes that.

THAT BEING SAID:
Talk about stuff that upsets you, talk about the hurtful stuff.

Your partner with BPD will over analyze everything they do, because they KNOW that they can be shitty because of their illness.

They can’t improve behaviour if you are never honest about it.

Your partner constantly says XYZ that hurts your feelings?

Absolutely address it.

Your partner has probably been paying more attention than you give them credit for. And they (in most cases) feel like shit for hurting your feelings.

On that same hand- you’ve got to be receptive and understanding that YOU as a human being can be hurtful and triggering and kind of an ass.

Hear it, accept it, and change the behaviour. If you want your partner to be aware of themselves, you outta be sure you are aware of you.

Your relationship can work. But like I said, it comes down to you as a non-BPD sufferer to legitimize and validate your partner who is.

Give them time and attention. LEARN THEIR LOVE LANGUAGE.

Maybe they love to be cuddled maybe they love to be with you, maybe they love when you do things with/for them, maybe they love when you get them a tea without asking.

By understanding how they receive love, you’re understanding how to make them feel the love you have for them.

Love is work in any relationship.

This is still true for your partner with BPD. You will need to honestly speak to them, or look for patterns in behaviour that indicate how they respond to certain acts of love.

When your partner says oh I can’t do XYZ because it stresses me out. DO THAT THING.

If they are stressed about doing the dishes, cleaning the bathroom, floor losing laundry- DO IT.

Does it suck? Yes. But that’s the reality of a give and take relationship.

Your partner with BPD is on for you all the time, nonstop.
I can’t even be on the couch 50% because I get fucking exhausted.

NOW JUST IMAGINE THAT YOU WERE ON FOR THEM. AND HOW FUCKING TIRING THAT WOULD BE, AND HOW EVEN ONE POINT OF STRESS COULD DRAIN YOU.

That’s your partners reality. They give and give and give and give and give and give, often to their detriment, until they have nothing left to give you.

And what generally happens then, is that YOU as a partner, start to notice they’re doing less without investigating the cause

And you’re like “oh my god u said you would do XYZ!!”

But they’ve been so busy loving you with all they’ve freaking got- they didn’t have the energy. They couldn’t do whatever it was that you were asking/expecting them to.

So don’t complain.

Be grateful. Be gracious. Be understanding. Be compassionate. And for the love of all that is good in the world, strive to be an ally, not an enemy.

Your partners BPD is not a defect. I like to think of it as a magnification of their desires and fears.

And if you take the reality of their love and fear and happiness and you use that against them, then maybe you’re the one who is defective.

And trust me when I say, your partner with BPD has already planned for the eventuality that you will leave, they will drop you in two seconds and not bat an eye at you if you don’t act like you want them.