This is a thread about death, love & loss. If it resonates in some way please share. 20yrs ago today at 10.25am I was with my Mum when she breathed her last. Her brain ravaged by a tumour, her body withering away. She was 51. I was 19, my sister 22 & brother 16. Our lives in bits

20yrs later raw pain has subsided but the sense of loss, that hole where she was & would have been remains deep. So why am I writing to the anonymous world of Twitter? Because as a society I don’t think we acknowledge or talk enough about loss - perhaps this will encourage a bit

It began 18mths earlier with Mum suffering headaches. Drs didn’t know why then she was rushed into hospital &emergency surgery on Christmas Day to remove a huge tumour. 15mths later the tumour was back. We were told months to live but just 5wks later on Easter Saturday she passed

So how did I cope? Well I didn’t really. I went back to Uni but could be found at the end of most nights drunk in a heap in floods of tears. But the support of siblings, friends & the Uni environment kept me going & allowed me to rebuild over 3 years – but many don’t have that

A stiff upper lip may help in the immediacy of grief but once funerals are over too often you’re expected to just get on with it. People don’t ask &if not encouraged the bereaved don’t talk. Yet loss gets stronger not less. Every day &year that passes more is missed by them & you

People say death & loss make you stronger – yes natural human instinct to survive kicks in as with other disasters. But I’ll never welcome that or accept it was “meant to be” as some try to suggest. Mum was everything to me, my biggest champion shaping all I’ve done &become since

Today also marks the threshold when Mum has been dead for more of my life than she was alive. That’s profoundly sad. Across our family there are 9 grandchildren, 2 spouses, jobs, homes, countless life events she has missed & we’ve not shared. & at 51 she had so much more to give

It was the biggest thing that had ever happened to me but most people would never know. When I met new people I wanted to scream “Hi I’m Duncan & my Mum has died”. I didn’t, but too few of those who did know said anything or asked, indifferent or scared of “getting it wrong”

Does this matter? I venture we all lose when we don’t talk or ask about the loss of loved ones. For eg. bereavement is a big antecedent for men who experience homelessness or commit suicide. Loss of a child a driver of addiction or mental ill health for women. & for years to come

So what do I suggest? 3 things: 1. Support the NHS passionately because its central to all death or action to prevent it. Eg. Diagnosis rates for brain tumours are still too little too late. Being able to live & die well needs enough NHS staff & with the space &time to care &talk

2. Support charities making a difference. Eg. @Macmillancancer advised. @MarieCurieUK helped us care for Mum at home in her final week. @BrainTumourOrg fights for better support &treatment. Every cause of death has a charity fighting for change or supporting loved ones left behind

3. But most importantly of all please talk & please listen. We’ve all lost someone. Lets mention them. Keep them in our lives. Remember the good times but acknowledge openly they are not here &what they are missing now on earth, less whether we will meet them again somewhere else

& if you know someone who has lost someone talk to them about it. Everyone grieves & copes differently but the embarrassed “I didn’t know what to say” just won’t do. Just ask, offer space & time, share your own memories, thoughts, laughs, reminders - today, tomorrow & onwards

Mum deserved better. But many other families suffer much more & in silence everyday. War, terrorism, crime, disaster, disease – every death leaves a quiet family tragedy. Let us help them not just grieve but be able to honour the lives lost & the loss they live with. Thank You