I know there is nothing more wanky than a writer offering writer tips but I am a writer (and a wanker) and am in a bedroom waiting for one of my kids to fall asleep and have nothing better to do than offer some random things I have learned from writing 14 books.

1. Do not write for the market. Write for you. Write for your best friend. Write for the ghost of Virginia Woolf. But don’t write for the market because it’s impossible to know what the market is. Create your own market. Differentiate or die.

2. The quickest way to write a bad novel is to be pretentious. Get your bullshit detector working early. Do not be Sean Penn. Do not say things to make them sound more clever than they are. Clean the windows. Let readers know what is going on.

3. Try and be healthy. Hemingway said ‘write drunk, edit sober.’ I’d go even further. ‘Write sober, edit sober.’ Go for a run. Drink water. On writing days, be dull as hell and clear as crystal. The brain is a physical organ. Treat it as such.

4. Don’t be scared of saying ‘she said’. Nothing worse than when you can feel the thesaurus groaning under the pressure. ‘She stated/rejoined/declared.’ These are all fine words but don’t use them just to avoid ‘said’. Said doesn’t get in the way. Said disappears.

5. Really check that your autobiographical novel is going to interest people who haven’t had your biography.

6. Describe love scenes emotionally, not anatomically. And as in life, handle genitals with care. And never compare them to anything. Similes have their place. But it’s not in your underwear.

7. Back everything up. And email your document to yourself every day. This is the most important rule. The best novel you’ve ever written is the one you will leave in the back of an Uber.

8. Be brave. Novels have the space to explore things you can't explore elsewhere. That is their power. Don't be timid, go to the edge. Let characters feel the things they wouldn't talk about in real life. Don't be polite.

9. Ignore labels. Ignore 'literary' and 'commercial'. Write what you want to write without the worry of marketing definitions. There will always be a market for good stories. Just go for that.

10. Have fun. Do not bore yourself. Surprise yourself. Write like your life depends on it. Love writing and put that happy germ of love into it and that love will infect the reader and you will be happy and the reader will be happy.

Oh, and invent your own rules. And feel free to ignore these. My son is asleep now and I will probably change my mind on some of them by tomorrow. Night.