Following a freedom of information request I will be listing the events that led to my force's accidental invasion of the Faroe Islands.

1. Eager to prevent drugs being brought into Scottish waters and infecting our fishing supply, I ordered my coastal unit to patrol the outer limits of our territory.

2. I am now admitting, on record, that I was on board one of these patrol boats. I wanted to obtain a better strategic understanding of such operations.

3. On the day of the accidental Faroe Islands invasion, the opportunity to take helm of one of the boats was presented to me. It is my recollection that this was the captain's idea.

4. The captain disputes this version of events. I am not accusing him of lying but suspect that the sea air has affected his ability to recall events as they happened.

5. The Scottish Government is wanting the captain to discuss the matter in a select committee. Unfortunately, he has been dismissed from the force following a separate incident.

6. In an unfortunate turn of events, an IT failure has rendered a former employees database inoperable. As such, we are unable to provide the Scottish Government with the captain's contact information to help assist with the public inquiry.

7. With no alternative record of events, we must accept the other witness's version of events (mine).

8. As I recall, when I took control of the vessel I had been wrongly informed of which bit of the sea was north and which bit was south. As a result, when it was time to return to shore I mistakenly turned the boat a full 360 towards foreign soil.

9. The Scottish Government has asked why I did not respond when ordered to halt by the Faroe Islands authorities.

10. I maintain that their radio communications sounded Spanish to my ears. I therefore believed one of two things. My first thought was that there were Spanish fisherman in Scottish waters, as per EU fishing zoning.

11. My second thought was that the Spanish speakers were Colombian drug smugglers pretending to be naval authorities. Given that we were going head to head with drug smugglers, this seemed a reasonable assumption.

12. We continued onto the land, which I believed was a port in Wick. I have presented the Scottish government with a photo of Wick and a photo of The Faroe Islands. It is difficult to distinguish between the two.

13. It has been wrongly stated that I made this mistake because I was drunk. This is not true, although alcohol had been consumed by the time that Faroese forces places me under military arrest.

14. There is a credible reason for this. Because I thought we were in Scotland, I believed the operation to be over. I therefore led my charges into the first pub we saw upon arrival on foreign soil.

15. It was very misty so the signage did not register with me. Also, the barman was bilingual and thought nothing of our request for tequila.

16. There were indeed many clues as to where we were as the evening continued. However, by this point we were all incredibly drunk. Again, this is entirely reasonable and lawful if one is too accept that I thought we were in Scotland.

17. My strong belief that I was in Scotland is also why my team engaged in direct combat with the Faroese authorities when they arrived to arrest us.

18. Upon seeing foreign forces in what I thought was Scotland I believed that I, the highest authority in the land that I thought I was in, was being targeted as part of a foreign invasion.

19. I therefore admit that I did taser several Faroese military representatives, and arrested the mayor of the village that we were in. However, this was because of my firm belief that I was acting in the interests of Scotland.

20. I would like anybody judging my actions to imagine my fear when I was placed into a foreign jail cell to sober up, fully believing that guerilla forces had arrested me in my home nation, and that I was about to paraded through the streets as a trophy.

21. I believe the psychological trauma of this to be punishment enough and would ask that the Scottish Government does not seek my resignation over this matter.

22. I would like to offer my gratitude to the Faroe Islands government for treating me with compassion once it had become clear what had happened. They did not have to bring me a cheese saftie. But they did.

23. The only consequence that has arisen of this incident is that the drug smugglers we were chasing were free to make a huge delivery to Scotland.

24. It is my strong belief that our incompetence on this occasion will have a long term strategic benefit. We have now lulled them into a false sense of security. Next time, we won't be so absent because we will not be locked up in a Faroese jail.