Cleopatra: looks like we had twins
Cleopatra: I named them after two great world leaders
Mark Antony: I love you too, babe
Cleopatra: no I mean after Alexander the Great and also me

Cleopatra: one of them has the middle name Sun and the other one has the middle name moon
Mark Antony: that’s a bit....
Cleopatra: welcome to Ancient Egypt, The Land Of Being Extra

Mark Antony: was Julius Caesar’s dick...
Cleopatra: omg yes extremely
Cleopatra: way bigger than yours
Cleopatra: but, you know, you have a lot of redeeming qualities

Cleopatra: I’m pregnant again! We’re gonna have another baby!!!
Mark Antony: we can name this one after me!
Cleopatra: oh lol no this one will be named Ptolemy Philadelphus because he loves his brothers and also the Eagles

Julius Caesar: I don’t know what you’re talking about
Julius Caesar: I’ve literally never had sex with Cleopatra let alone fathered her child
Julius Caesar: sure I commissioned a sexy statue of her as Isis and put it in the temple of Venus the Mother, but that means nothing

Cleopatra: bet I could spend 10 million sestertii on a meal
Mark Antony: lol you’re on
Cleopatra: *serves incredibly basic meal*
Mark Antony: this isn’t...
Cleopatra: *takes off pearl earring, dissolves it in vinegar, drinks vinegar while maintaining eye contact with Mark Antony*

Mark Antony: you would ... drink vinegar and ruin your expensive jewellery just to win a bet against me?
Cleopatra: the fuck you think I wouldn’t do
Cleopatra: to win, I mean

Mark Antony: Cleopatra has BETRAYED ME
Cleopatra: tell Mark Antony I’m dead
Mark Antony: MY BELOVED IS DEAD
Mark Antony: *stabs self*
Cleopatra: *begins wailing & taking off clothes*
Ptolemy: omfg could someone around here be the grownup for FIVE FUCKING MINUTES

Cleopatra: Ptolemy, your father is dead
Ptolemy: I told you no more drama
Cleopatra: and I’ll be dead soon too
Ptolemy: no more drama, mom
Cleopatra: and then you’ll be an orphan!!!
Ptolemy: LOOK AT THIS FUCKING PAPYRUS ON MY DESK, MOM, I’M TRYING TO DO MY GODDAMN HOMEWORK

Cleopatra: my name is Cleopatra Philopator
Cleopatra: which means “Glory-of-the-Father Father-Lover”
Cleopatra: literally just call me Daddy Issues for short

Cleopatra: by the time I was 21 I had not only had myself smuggled into Julius Caesar’s room but also slept with him then got him to execute my brother/political rival/husband
Cleopatra: but by all means tell me about how you’re “good” at “politics”

Cleopatra: look I’m not saying the rumours about how I died are wrong
Cleopatra: i’m just saying “basket of figs” and “cobra” are incredibly overwrought metaphors and whoever came up with that is a fucking hack who doesn’t deserve me

Julius Caesar: I’m actually terrible with money
Julius Caesar: I once bought a mistress a pearl that cost what 1,200 professional soldiers would earn in a year
Julius Caesar: in conclusion, please put me in charge of your empire

Cleopatra: Julius has slept with literally so many people
Cleopatra: including but def not limited to the king of Bithynia
Cleopatra: but sure, I’M the slut for having two consecutive Roman dicks in me

Cleopatra: I’m not saying I deserve any world’s greatest mom mugs
Cleopatra: but at least I didn’t make my kids marry their siblings
Cleopatra: so

Cleopatra: I commanded an army against my brother
Historians: Cleopatra was sexy
Cleopatra: Egypt was stable and prosperous under my rule
Historians: SO sexy!!!
Cleopatra: I SPOKE NINE LANGUAGES
Historians: S-E-X-Y

Cleopatra: I don’t really consider fucking with the Roman Empire as a betrayal of my country
Cleopatra: considering how many of my family members have murdered each other

Mark Antony: yaaaassss my African kween
Cleopatra: I’m ... ok, I’m queen of Egypt but my family’s actually Macedonian
Mark Antony: soooo exotic
Cleopatra: ...
Mark Antony: I love being your woke bae
Cleopatra: please stop, you’re embarrassing yourself

I had to come back to this thread to announce that I found this perfect pin and Mark Antony is now my boyfriend