Man United Banter Era Thread: 2009-2017

Part A: The Summoning

May/June 2009: United are comfortably beaten by Barcelona in the Champions League final. A month later, Cristiano Ronaldo leaves for Real Madrid after 6 years at the club.

July 2009: United fail to activate Carlos Tevez's conditional buyout fee which sees the striker move to rivals Manchester City for £47m.

August 2009: After losing two of our best players, fruitless pursuits of Franck Ribery, Arjen Robben, Karim Benzema, Yaya Toure, these legends show up at Carrington.

2010: Wayne Rooney publicly questions the club's ambition in the transfer market and refuses to sign a new contract. Fans protest against the Glazers outside Old Trafford. The club eventually gives him a pay rise to shut him up. Then sign Chris Smalling and Bebe.

Summer 2011: United sign a skinny Spanish goalkeeper to replace the retiring Edwin Van der Sar. Phil Jones and Ashley Young are also purchased.

October 2011: United suffer possibly the most embarrassing defeat in the club's PL tenure. Evans brain farts. Silva, Balotelli, Aguero run riot as City win 6-1 at Old Trafford.

December 2011: A dismal performance and result against FC Basel sees United knocked out of the Champions League in the group stages for the first time since 2005.

April/May 2012: Despite a fantastic run of form which sees United go 8 points clear at the top of the table in April, United take their foot off the gas and allow City to creep up. An Aguero stunner in injury time gives the noisy neighbours their first PL title.

August 2012: United sign striker Robin Van Persie from Arsenal for a fee of £24m. He eventually helps us to the PL title with 26 PL goals.

May 2013: After winning the PL for the record 13th time, the game's greatest ever manager retires after 26 years. Signalling the end of an era.

That concludes Part A. Now the Banter Era officially begins. Strap your seatbelts.

Part B: The Banter Era

May 2013: Almost immediately after Sir Alex Ferguson's retirement, the club officially confirms David Moyes would be appointed as the club's manager. The Chosen One.

August 2013: After a summer spent pursuing Cesc Fabregas, Ander Herrera, Thiago Alcantara and Mesut Ozil, the club eventually land the Belgian Zidane on deadline day for a fee of £28m.

September-December 2013: The initial optimism around Moyes is slowly chipped away after a serious of poor performances and results. He is not the man for the job. Strangely enough United still manage to top their CL group with ease.

December 2013: Midfielder Shinji Kagawa is absent for a game at home to newly promoted Newcastle United. Injury? Suspension? Nope. Turns out he's getting his stomach pumped after eating too much the previous night. United subsequently lose to a Yohan Cabaye winner.

October 2013: Winger Wilfired Zaha is touted as a future star for the Red Devils. Only for him to be sidelined from the squad after allegedly sleeping with David Moyes' daughter.

January 2014: United get the new year off to a flying start. With Back to Back 2-1 defeats at home to Spurs in the PL and Swansea in the FA Cup.

February 2014: In possibly the most infamous game of the banter era, United trail at home to Fulham. After a hailstorm of crosses, the home side lead 2-1 thanks to Michael Carrick and Robin Van Persie. Only to be sucker punched by a Darren Bent equalizer in injury time.

February 2014: In a manner reminiscent of a classic Greek Tragedy, United are humiliated away at Olympiakos in the CL Round of 16 First Leg. 2-0.

January 2014: United have a chance to book their place at Wembley for the league cup final. But lose at home to Sunderland thanks to one of the worst penalty shootouts ever.

March 2014: United pull off one of the most thrilling CL comebacks. A Van Persie hattrick and a brilliant double save from De Gea see United win 3-2 on aggregate, progressing to the CL Quarter Final.

March 2014: The Olympiakos triumph is short lived, however. A thriller involving red cards and a Daniel Sturridge Michael Phelps tribute sees United lose 3-0 at home to Liverpool. Gerrard smooches the cameras.

March 2014: As pressure on The Chosen ones mounts, United manage to hold Pep Guardiola's Bayern Munich to a 1-1 draw at Old Trafford after a surprisingly decent performance. Fellaini starts a one man counter and Buttner pockets Robben.

April 2014: Patrice Evra sends United fans into euphoria after giving United the lead away at Bayern. The home side equalize twenty seconds later and go on to win 3-1.

April 2014: The final nail in the coffin for The Chosen One. United lose 2-0 away at Goodison Park and Moyes is sacked soon after. The Grim Reaper Collects.

May 2014: The Moyes era ends after a season of defeats, chip banning, crosses and sarcastic quotes. United finish in 7th place. No Europe next season.

Moyes era dredged up some gems. A ban on chips in the dressing room due to "fat players". Allegedly the catalyst for the players turning on him was an instance in which he suggested to club Captain Nemanja Vidic that he was not as experienced as Phil Jagielka.

Summer 2014: After an impressive World Cup campaign with the Netherlands, Dutch Manager Louis Van Gaal takes charge at Manchester United. Luke Shaw and Ander Herrera are also unveiled.

July/August 2014: The Van Gaal era is initially greeted with optimism and hope. Impressive pre season wins against Inter Milan, Real Madrid and Liverpool further this sentiment. Then Swansea come to Old Trafford to crash the party on the opening day.

August 2014: Benik Afobe runs riot and Johnny Evans drops possibly the WOAT performance as United are trashed 4-0 by League Two side MK Dons. Though most United fans were too busy waiting for us to announce this guy......

August 2014: United complete the loan of Radamel Falcao from Monaco. He would go on to score only 4 goals the entire season.

August 2014: After failing to endear themselves to Louis Van Gaal. Tom Cleverley and Danny Welbeck are sold. Cue cries of "We're losing our identity" from yer da's and Top Reds.

September 2014: Angel Di Maria stars in United's 4-0 trashing of QPR. Scores an audacious chip away at Leicester the following week. The latter, however is marred by a second half collapse which sees United lose 5-3.

November 2014: United win our first away game of the season after 3 months. Beating Arsenal 2-1 with ONE shot on target. Talk about making omelette without eggs.

March/April 2015: Deeply locked in a battle for top 4 and facing a tough run in. United record impressive victories against Spurs, Liverpool and Manchester City.

April/May 2015: Carrick gets injured and then United lose 3 games on the bounce without a goal scored. Chris Brunt scores a deflected free kick at OT. Di Maria drops a 0/10 cameo. Van Persie and Rooney play CM with Fellaini up front.

May 2015: United hang on to secure 4th spot and book a place in the CL Play Offs. Not bad.

Summer 2015: United sign promising youngster Memphis Depay from PSV. Also, remember that skinny Spanish keeper we signed in 2011? He's been one of the best GKs in Europe for years. United now face a battle to keep him away from Madrid's clutches.

Summer 2015: Angel Di Maria refuses to join the club's US tour and runs away to meet his contact at PSG. He undergoes a medical and signs for PSG. Ashley Young is handed a 3 year contract almost at the same time.

Summer 2015: Victor Valdes is dropped from the United squad for the summer tour of the US. Apparently he missed some training sessions the previous seasons. Cue a tweet from the Spaniard expressing his confusion at the decision.

August 2015: David De Gea is dropped from the first team following rumours of a move to Madrid. Memphis Depay runs the show vs Brugge and United fans wank. But a defeat against Swansea with Gomis going Freddy Kruger brings us down to Earth.

September 2015: David De Gea is set to move to Real Madrid on deadline day. Fans bid tearful farewells. Only for the fax machine to malfunction at the very last second. De Gea is still a United player as of September 1st. United also sign French youngster Anthony Martial.

September 2015: David De Gea signs a 4 year contract to commit his future to the club. Anthony Martial becomes an instant fan favourite after a brilliant solo goal vs arch rivals Liverpool. But a Luke Shaw broken leg vs PSV dampens the fun.

July 2015: Let's not forget Morgan Schneiderlin's transfer being announced via leaked blood test samples. And also signing the worst defender in our history.

October 2015: United play a midfield of Bastian, Carrick and Rooney away at Arsenal and it backfires horribly. Alexis Sanchez effectively ends Matteo Darmian's footballing career (If he had one).

December 2015: Banter Era Central. After a run of drab 0-0s and 1-1s, we enter probably our worst form of the banter era. Losses vs Wolfsburg, Bournemouth, Stoke, Norwich have us out of the CL and struggling for top 4. Let me reiterate. We did not win a SINGLE game.

Throwback to March 2015: After a boring 1-1 draw away at West Ham. Louis Van Gaal attempts to defend his tactics from criticism by Sam Allardyce by producing a contrived dossier. Meme material.

January 2016: What is the best way to rival your neighbour's appointment of a world class manager in the summer? Submit a loan bid for Mathieu Debuchy on deadline day. Props to Lord Wenger for coming through.

February 2016: United's wretched away form continues as we lose to a team that was basically created after we won the treble in 99. Igbo Luis Suarez scores the winning goal.

February 2016: Anthony Martial has been United's best player all season. So it's only natural he pulls his hamstring in the warm up to the return leg. However, a Memphis Depay masterclass and a double from surprise debutant Marcus Rashford helps United to a 5-1 win.

February 2016: United face Arsenal with majority of the first team squad injured. Carrick/Blind in CM. Varela pockets Sanchez on a yellow for 82 minutes. Rashford scores twice. Van Gaal dives. United win 3-2.

March 2016: In possibly the strangest twist of the season, United manage to book a place at Wembley for the FA Cup Semi Final after beating West Ham in a replay.

April 2016: It's the 67th minute at White Hart Lane. United are holding title challengers Spurs to a 0-0 draw. RB Fosu Mensah is injured and replaced by Matteo Darmian. Spurs then score 3 goals in 6 minutes to win 3-0. All the goals coming from our right hand side.

April 2016: With Van Gaal's job under serious threat, United manage to battle past Everton to reach our first FA Cup final since 2007 courtesy of an Anthony Martial masterclass.

May 2016: Miraculously, United are still in the race for top 4. All we need is a win away at West Ham to leapfrog City. A half fit Martial scores twice to put us in front. Only for United to concede twice in 15 minutes to lose 3-2.

May 2016: Last game of the season. Our game against Bournemouth is called off due to a bomb threat. Police investigate. Only to find out that the "bomb" was a mock IED which the security team accidentally left in the toilets after a counter terror drill.

May 2016: United play the postponed game a few days later and win 3-1. But a Chris Smalling own goal in injury time robs De Gea of his golden glove.

May 2016: Thanks to goals from Juan Mata and Jesse Lingard, United end up a disappointing season on a high by winning the FA Cup for the first time since 2004, also winning our first trophy of the post Ferguson era.

However, Michael Carrick somehow loses the lid while holding the trophy. And news of Van Gaal's sacking reaches him before he can even finish the celebrations.

Louis Van Gaal is sacked barely a few days after. And an extensive report by the Daily Mail details his Orwellian management. He allegedly spied on players with cameras, confiscated phones and made players review their performances in lengthy post game videos. Dictator.

May 2016: United appoint Jose Mourinho as manager following his departure from Chelsea.

Summer 2016: The transfer window gets off to a quick start. United secure 2 signings by June. Raiola flips chairs to get Mkhitaryan to United. A lenghty transfer saga sees Paul Pogba return to United for a world record fee.

July 2016: Anthony Martial has his number taken off him and given to Zlatan Ibrahimovic, He subsequently unfollows the club on social media and transfer speculation ensues.

September 2016: After a good start to the season. United get dominated in the Derby and go on to lose 3 games on the bounce. Wayne Rooney dropped a particularly diabolical performance vs Watford.

October 2016: Anthony Martial wins our goal of the month competition for this wonder goal vs Stoke. Plot twist? That was the only goal we scored in the PL that month.

October 2016: Zlatan Ibrahimovic consistently bottles chances set up by Paul Pogba in games vs Stoke and Burnley. But United save their worst showing for Stamford Bridge. Conceding in the very first minute and losing 4-0. Chris Smalling culpable in all the goals.

November 2016: United continue to drop points as summer signing Henrikh Mkhitaryan is consistently absent from match day squads. Another Moyes/Zaha situation?

January 2017: Remember Memphis Depay? Our next great number 7? He is sold to Lyon after scoring less than 10 goals for the club. Where he immediately picks up the form which saw United buy him in the first place. Freedom.

February 2017: Wembley. League Cup Final. Eric Bailly doesn't do national anthems. Zlatan Ibrahimovic masterclass helps United to their first trophy of the Jose Mourinho era.

March 2017: Marcos Rojo eats a banana during United's Europa League tie vs Rostov

May 2017: United have a strange season. A 25 game unbeaten run filled with draws vs mid table teams. In 6th place for the entire season. Yet are through to a Europa League final thanks to John Guidetti missing a sitter.

May 2017: United win the Europa League to complete our trophy cabinet and qualify for CL.

June 2017: Antoine Griezmann teases a United move with a series of exciting videos. Fans binge watch YouTube clips and learn the hotline bling. Only for the transfer ban to be upheld at the last second, ending the transfer speculation.

2017/18 season: For the first time in 4 years, United finally look stable in the League and CL. Bettered only by City running away with the title. And that, hopefully. Is the end of the banter era. It's been fun.

Plot twist. Jose Mourinho signs contract extension and loses brain cells immediately after. Banter era certainly not over yet.

February 2018: After the signing of Alexis Sanchez, Jose Mourinho sidelines Anthony Martial from the team and eventually starts picking on star Paul Pogba. Pogba is benched for Scott McTominay for the CL first leg against Sevilla. United labour to a tedious 0-0 draw.

March 2018: Nothing wrong with parking the bus for a 0-0 draw in the first away leg as long as you go all out attack at home, right?

United's very mobile midfield of Fellaini and Matic is dominated by Sevilla. Ben Yedder gets the coup de grace. CL over.

Ben Yedder actually earns a first ever call up to the French National team based off this performance alone. Talk of United giving careers.