I'm so happy for Timothée Chalamet getting his Oscar nomination, really I am but I can't read about him without having a massive stress flashback to that time I accidentally kissed his dad on the mouth in front of his wife

so timothée's mom and my mom went to high school together, their class got back in touch over facebook ~5 years ago. Mama Nedd invited a bunch of her old classmates to our annual holiday party, Tim's parents showed up! Ok, nice to meet you both.

it should come as no surprise to anyone that timothée's father is

1) very good-looking
2) very french
3) did i mention he is handsome and french?

(tim's mother is a lovely, sophisticated woman and I hope to god she has forgotten this story, I hope to every god in the heavens everyone but me has forgotten)

Anyway I open the door to greet them, welcome them in, hug Tim's mom, introduce myself, turn to Tim's Hot Dad and go in for a hug but I DID NOT KNOW THE FRENCH DO NOT HUG

The french kiss on the cheek. I decide to play it cool*

*if you've followed me for any length of time you'll recognize 'i decide to play it cool' as the signal that everything is about to fall apart, as is the pattern in my miserable life

I swerve my head around to get that first cheek kiss in! Nailed it, *muah*, I'm practically an American girl in Paris right now.

Ain't nobody told me there was gonna be a second kiss tho.

All I know if I was moving my face away from his face but Mr. Chalamet was not. He went in the same direction. Panic. What the fuck. Where am I going? Where does this end?

It ends in me planting history's noisiest smooch directly on his lips.

My eyes are like saucers, I turn to see Tim's mom standing there aghast. Nobody speaks. I think now would be a beautiful time for god to take me into his arms. FINALLY, my mom rolls up and whisks Nicole and Marc off for a tour of our house. I'm...not doing great.

there's no neat button to the end of the story. Tim was still in high school at the time, later his mom told me he wanted to act and I distinctly remember thinking "I hope that kid isn't in anything I want to see or I'll be forced to think about the kiss forever"

so uh....fuck me I guess

congrats timothée on your wild, sure to be long-lasting success.