A few weeks ago I happened upon Dorling Kindersley's Great Sex Games in a charity shop.

Best 50p I've ever spent.

That's right - BELOVED PUBLISHERS OF CHILDHOOD REFERENCE BOOKS, DORLING KINDERSLEY are here to talk us through their favourite sex games.

"Hanky-panky picnics" and all.

Crucial to ensure that, for erotic purposes, all chair legs are completely intact.

Really?

I anticipate a fierce bidding war for the film adaptation rights.

Everybody Loves Raymond.

The references in this book are BLOWING MY MIND.

This section is called 'Fun With Feathers'.

I don't know about you, but I've been calling consensual sex "accidentally knocking the genitals as you reach them" for years.

Here we go.

"Don't mind the recorder, it's just a sexy prop."

There's something so Mark Corrigan about this game.

N.B. You'll need to ask an elderly/ancient relative if you can borrow their cassette recorder.

This next game, 'Listen To My Tape', is yet another administrative nightmare.

FORTY FIVE MINUTES?

Oh god, the admin. The endless, endless admin.

Just IMAGINE playing Frank Sinatra while you're trying to have sex. Could there be ANYTHING less erotic?

Oh wait, they've got it covered.

Really A+ section on writing 'Love Notes'.

*dial-up modem sounds*

The Four Stages Of Friendship.

*bleep-bloop R2D2 noises*

Just some great life advice.

Accidental Partridge.

Can't believe they didn't title this book 'Catalogue Of Sex Tales'.

Oh bless.

Genuinely heartwarming!

It's all been building to this.

WHAT IS HAPPENING

A bit of fun!

*Michael Buerk in 999 voice*

SO PARTRIDGE I CAN'T EVEN COPE ANYMORE.

"Draw me like one of your French girls."

Sensual asparagus gloss.

Little potatoes. LITTLE POTATOES.

Literally a recipe for disaster.

Every shopping list I've ever written ends with "papaya, champagne, lollipops, condoms"

Finally, we understand the true purpose of bagels.

Why not try humming the solo from All Along The Watchtower?"

"...lightly grasp the head of the penis with this 'spider'" is not a sentence I ever thought I'd read.

We've reached two new sections now. One called 'Duck's Bill', and the other 'Wibbling'. Maybe... maybe we deserve brexit?

If your kink is "sentences that, in or out of context, make no sense whatsoever" then this book is for you.

DO THE OTHER REASONS INVOLVE SEX? YES PROBABLY.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING.

OH FOR GOD'S SAKE, EVERYONE HOPEFULLY.

This book. It has broken me.

A thrilling development. https://twitter.com/symbandltd/status/947178747530235904

Minor (but still sufficiently thrilling) gossip. https://twitter.com/pixiecake/status/949250546506100736