I'm on the last episode of this season of Great British Bake Off and they are baking things I can no longer comprehend.

"this torte has 27 layers, is filled with a ghost, and is served with a paddle from a 19th century whaling vessel"

paul: this has good flake, but the ghost has escaped hasn't it? good flavor but i cannot taste the ghost. it's a shame.

mary: i like how much alcohol is in this

ok i'm into Season 2 of Great British Bake Fight. i hope they all win.

somehow like half of the contestants like lacerated themselves with baking utensils in this episode

this week our bakers have all been given cursed spatulas and knives that hate bakers

oh interesting. no one on this episode has made or seen an angelfood cake. are they rare in the UK?

this is the first time this has happened where i know something these people do not

This baker has used salt instead of sugar in his cake and has also chopped off most of his fingers. God has turned His face away from this man.

in this episode they're all making trifles and i realized i have never had a trifle

our cultures have so much to learn from one another

DEBORAH STOLE HOWARD'S CUSTARD >:O

judge on Great British Bake Off: what you've made here isn't quite a cookie, but it isn't quite a biscuit either

me: i have no idea what either of those things are anymore

Paul: it's called a Schnonfre-planza-engletorte. It takes 6 hours to make.

Mary: such delicate little layers... 35 of them!

Paul: honestly though it's not much more delicious than a regular cake

Mary: it's not really worth making

Paul: almost none of these things are

Paul: you've right fucked this, you bastard

Mary: you tosser, where the living fack are the layers

Paul: we're gonna stab you up

Mary: gonna slit you right up

Onto the next season of Great British Bake Row and one of the bakers seems to be a prison warden or something and I want him to lose immediately

i like when they're nice to someone who had an over-the-top disaster like a cake that fell into another dimension or a torte that vaporized or a biscuit that assaulted one of the sheep in the b-roll footage

if there is ever a season where there is actual acrimony and drama it is going to straight up ruin my week

My Great British Bakesona is Thom, a builder from Manchester who started baking when he was 7 years old after a cake whispered to him his secret destiny.

Thom: there's actually a lot of commonalities between being a builder, which is what we call construction workers over here, and baking.

I love the judges' weirdness around peanut butter. They mention it warily whenever it's used. Do you not do a lot of peanut butter in the UK? Is that more a US thing?

Because George Washington Carver?

George Washington Carver was like that Avatar show except he was a peanutbender

send tweet

this show: we want a pile of jam and sponge and custard. peanut butter is poisonous and suspect paste from the colonies

ok in this challenge one of the contestants literally made peanut butter ice cream in a bake that included chocolate and grape jelly and the judges are like

THAT PEANUT BUTTER... IT'S DELICIOUS WITH CHOCOLATE... AND THE GRAPE JELLY WITH THE PEANUT BUTTER... IT ADDS SOMETHING...

i'm going to the UK with a truck selling PB&J's

"frangipane"

kicking off 2018 with Great British Bake Fight

why the fuck are they making tennis cakes

is that a thing

update: Flora is doing FULL PUFF Pastry. FULL PUFF, everyone.

they had to make this giant 3-tired pile of filled choux pastries in the shape of a nun. these aren't things people make. who makes things in the shape of a nun. except for, like, professional catholics.

how big is that market for large nun-shaped pastry constructions

the pope eats only this

back on that bake off

Mary and Paul are really hyping up this chocolate souffle as a diabolical death trap

holy shit this guy can't remember how to make a creme pat

what the fuck,

paul did not need to be so blunt about those macaroons. do better, paul. you're not the king of macaroons.

paul: the caramel makes it too sweet i think

me: IT'S FUCKING SUPPOSED TO BE SWEET IT'S FUCKING DESSERT THIS IS ALL DESSERT ALL OF IT AAAAAAAGH

i would get very tired if i was on this show. if someone said "you have 5 and a half hours to bake this thing" i would say "no thank you, that it too long, i will need a nap"

dude in this episode has made a well out of chocolate and you could use the well to drop a bucket into a reservoir and pull up white chocolate and dip a shortbread biscuit in

cookie
it's a shortbread cookie
i refuse to start saying biscuit like one of those people that goes to the uk for a vacation and comes back calling elevators lifts or apartments flats

oh sweet you went to London and came back insufferable

"ha ha i forget we call it the bathroom here in gothenburg nebraska, and not the loo!"

YOU WERE IN THE UK FOR 5 DAYS

The Steamed Hams bit but Great British Bake Off

THE AURORA BOREALIS
AT THIS TIME OF YEAR
AT THIS TIME OF DAY
IN THIS PART OF THE COUNTRY
LOCALIZED ENTIRELY WITHIN THIS BAKING TENT

no mary it's just the northern lights

oh come the fuck on

i love how they have the eliminated contestants back at the end of the season for a big baking and hug festival

ok i'm onto the last Netflix season and i am preemptively very sad

back on that bakeoff. i'm slowing turning against paul. stop with the lengthy silences and knowing smiles this show is not about you it's about baking and hugging

i don't hate paul but he's on notice

i've tapped into some deep anti-paul sentiment in the replies here

these people use a lot of flowers in their flavoring. i have no joke to go with this one. it's just a lot of rose and lavender.

the fact that people are regularly wearing jackets during Bake Off and it's supposedly filmed during the summer makes me want to move to the UK, where it's apparently perpetually cloudy and temperate in the summer

i'm going to extrapolate my Bake Off observations to all of the UK. the whole country is a meadow with a big building of some sort nearby, and right in the middle: a baking tent. also there are sheep. and tortes.

bakeoff has now taught me that "bergamot" is a type of orange and not, as i assumed, an esper from final fantasy 6

B E R G A M O T

update: this viennese whirl contains bold buttercream

why isn't Sue in this episode. Sue is my favorite. Mel is here. What did Mel do with Sue.

"Tom's peak of gingerbread tells a tale of him and his best mate, Pod, getting dangerously lost up a mountain"

this gingerbread house challenge is the stuff of nightmares. it turns out gingerbread, contrary to popular belief, is actually a terrible thing to build a structure out of

"dampfnudel"