Thread by @orlaoriented, I was scrolling through old telegram chats and I found the very [...]

I was scrolling through old telegram chats and I found the very first chat me and my first girlfriend had and oh my god

I found one (1!!!) audio of her saying "cucciola..." (like baby) and oh my god it took me back

hearing her voice is so weird like omg it& #39;s been years

and I fucking hate her hahaha

but even though everything she did to me i still think the moments we lived together were beautiful somehow

if any of you is interested on this: we were together for 2 years and basically lived together in an apartment, she& #39;s from Germany but she travelled every month to come stay here with me

living together was beautiful but boring at the same time, and leaving her was heart breaking everytime

but the whole point of me tweeting this shit is, maybe you& #39;re wondering why I hate her

well because I was just 14 and she was 22 (I know oh my god) and even tho we were really happy together at first, I was so young and I didn& #39;t realize what she was doing to me

So, for 2 years of relationship I was being manipulated by her. I know this sounds dramatic but believe me, it was really really bad.

I didn& #39;t realize at that time, because I loved and trusted her, I thought she couldn& #39;t do something like that to me because she loved me so much! and I now feel so stupid.

Also im sorry but I never really spoke about how I& #39;m feeling now regardless her and what she did to me so im using Twitter as if it was my diary as always, sorry

So, going on with the story. My family was against our relationship (age gap you know) and didn& #39;t trust her so much in the beginning, but than everyone started to feel as if she was part of the family so they all got manipulated with me i guess.

She lied to me about her house, her job, her family, abusin* situations with her brother, her health, her status, her personality, and basically EVERYTHING makes a person a person, you know.

And at first I believed her through all this shit; but after 3 months I started feeling as if she was lying to me about something and when I asked her she lied saying that it was nothing. and again, I believed her. because I loved her.

2 years flew by and I felt so loved, she bought me everything I wanted and took me to places I wanted to go to, she did everything she could to make all my wishes come true and I thought that was LOVE.

But actually it& #39;s not if the other person is doing such things to just have control over you and your mind.

1 year into the relationship I started to feel as if I was trapped in a gold cage, because that cage was beautiful but I mean, it& #39;s still a damn cage. I felt trapped in what I thought was LOVE and happiness. but it& #39;s not supposed to make you feel like this.

I remember (1.5 year into relationship) when we had s*x and I felt like my body was being used by someone who did not have the right to even touch me. I felt like an object

That used to happen 4 times a day...and I mean...4. times. a. day.
if I go back to my mind in those moments I remember that I felt like my mind didn& #39;t want to but obviously my body liked it, and now, I know that doesn& #39;t mean it& #39;s okay

Now, as an almost 18y.o I feel r*ped everytime I think about her. I feel manipulated and taken advantage of. I know I did lots of things wrong, such as lying to my family about her and other shit. But still. She was 22 and she knew what she was doing.

I was just 13 and I didn& #39;t. I thought I was in love and maybe, I WAS. not sure about her tho. maybe she cared about me but not enough to not hurt me and shit.

because at the beginning we were really happy together and that was honest happiness. but you know that didn& #39;t last long

I was almost 16 when I broke up with her... I figured out she had been lying to me because she said she had a brain tumour and I couldn& #39;t believe that shit without any proof.
so I asked for proof and everytime she said she forgot it

and than she "had" this brain surgery to remove it and shit, and she kept me there waiting on the other side of the world stressed about her and what was happening

I remember being at the sea with my dad and checking my phone to see if anyone called to let me know something and 2 hours later I got a message from the "nurse" (it was still her lol) saying that she was not waking up and shit
and I felt so bad you have no idea

her whole plan was to make me feel bad about losing her so that I would get closer because of that. I didn& #39;t believe all of this and months later I still wondered about it. one day I asked her about this. she lied again

until she gave up as I said I would forgive her for everything if she just said the truth
so she did
We were still together for 2 months or 3
When she tried to kiss me i stepped away, we didn& #39;t touch each other

until one day in bed I asked her to tell me all of her lies and she started crying saying that usual bullshit "I& #39;m sorry, I won& #39;t do it again, I love you" and I was so cold, I remember staring at her with hate.

I obliged her to tell me everything and she did.
That was the last time we saw each other and I remember, in the car to the airport, I held her hand and said "I& #39;m sorry"
That was the last moment we shared

Now, thinking about it
why did i say sorry
I have nothing to be sorry about.
I loved her and I trusted her and I got manipulated r*ped and trapped.

This whole thread is just me talking to myself and I& #39;m sorry if any of this triggered you, I did my best at warning it with * and shit

So after all of this I still wonder how is it possible for me to hear her voice in an audio and still miss those moments as if they were something good.
I hate myself for this but I guess that after you& #39;ve been though so much its impossible to just get over it.

Theres still a part of me that thinks that i was the one that messed up and that our relationship was beautiful and true
and I hate myself for This, but I& #39;m still manipulated after 2 years of breaking up with her

when people start talking about her I get so angry and even though I don& #39;t show it I usually have a kind of a panic attack, my heart starts racing and I feel really anxious and shit1

I& #39;m glad i have opened my eyes now so this goe to anyone living the same shit I lived.
PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, try to see things with your head and not just your heart. PLEASE understand that if someone has to buy you stuff to make you happy that it& #39;s not love

PLEASE don& #39;t believe everything your partner says because we all lie sometimes and it could be worse than you imagine if you fly off the handle.

PLEASE IF you& #39;re in an abusive relationship, end it and search for help. DM me if you want someone to talk about it. I& #39;m here for you. and I love you. PLEASE look for help

ok I know it& #39;s almost 7am and I should be sleeping but I can& #39;t because she& #39;s stuck in my head and I keep having flashbacks of things and it hurts a lot and I thought of something

I thought what about texting her? what if I text her and ask her how she feels now about what she did? how she sees this? what she thinks of me? and say to her everything I think of what happened of her.
maybe it could help me get over it. I don& #39;t know send help

I& #39;ll try to get her off my mind now and have some rest, maybe in the meanwhile send help. THANKS.

what should i do? ^

I just realized I dreamt about my other ex too lmao

I wanted to say one last thing about this whole thread.
After closing Twitter and trying to fall asleep I cried because "I missed her" and I just want you to know that it& #39;s okay to feel like this. It& #39;s not your fault and it& #39;s normal to still feel as if it& #39;s your fault

Because when someone does such things to you its difficult to get over it and sometimes you might feel as if you miss them. It& #39;s okay. Don& #39;t feel bad about it.
I told myself im stupid and I know I am not, so don& #39;t make my same mistake cause you are amazing and I love you.

ALSO, don& #39;t do what I did and hide everything. please look for help and for someone to talk about this. It& #39;s not good to hide everything. please please please look for help

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