Living with an addict in your family is really odd. The first time/s they run away from rehab, there's panic, fear, worry. By the 11th rehab and ??? runaway...it's sheer indifference.

It's been 5 days and she's still AWOL. I'm starting to check her Last Seen on Whatsapp to check if she's still alive. Last seen in the past 12 hours? Probably alive.

She's made contact. She's now waiting to be seen at a public hospital where hopefully they'll admit her to the psych ward where she can detox from heroin Yay, festive season.

I forget how much these..."episodes"...derail me until I'm crying after a really inconsequential work meeting. Fuck addiction. Fuck drugs.

Tonight I helped my mom go through my sister's old room to see what dregs of clothing to send to her in rehab cause she left all her other clothes at her dealers place the time she ran away from rehab at the beginning of this thread

Weird seeing her trashed room (granny flat on my parents property) and finding the bits of paper scattered around with her ramblings and what I assume was her working out deals and grams to sell.

Because distance and a rehab and the fact she has no phone means I haven't spoken to her in over a year and I can have boxed away the rest of the shit nice and quietly and forget the realities of being related to a borderline personality-bipolar-addict

So I saw my sister (in rehab) for the first time in over a year this weekend. Always weird. Fucking addiction. Means you can never fully trust things are going to be ok.

She's been at my folks again for a few weeks due to some surgery stuff. This is the week she's meant to go back to rehab and the games have begun.

Addiction + mood disorders + personality disorders = emotional Olympics.

This life is like staring down the barrel of a shotgun never knowing when it will go off - but knowing it will.

Thursday night she wrote a note to me & my folks and disappeared. Said she was going to live with friends and would be in touch when she was settled. Blocked all our phone numbers. I've spent the whole weekend crying. Never do quite predict the shots that will come

So I predicted right, she called and asked to be rescued and was and is now back in rehab and this dizzying round about spins on and on and on. But somehow, this time, something broke in my heart that never has before and I'm struggling to keep it together.

Guess who got kicked out of rehab for her violent, abusive behaviour?
Are you ready for this ride? Because I'm not

The second I got this message I knew it was about my sister; I knew it was bad news. Can’t even have a text exchange with my mother without being hyper aware of her word usage.

Before this point I was just keeping my head above water with triple the workload at work PLUS part-time studying. Now I'm drowning with just my nose above the waves.

Oh, and guess what? She's still at my parents place and now I'm fighting with them.

Anyway it's 12pm and I've yet to cry at my desk, so here's to hoping I'm not going down just yet

So I melted down for a week into a ball of so much crying I gave myself a sinus infection from sobbing for at least an hour every night for a week (usually 2 if not 3). She stayed with my folks for a bit before moving in with some boyfriend

She got kicked out of said place with the boyfriend and let me tell you, things are about to get fuck wild* in this here family.

* by wild I mean implode and it isn't even Christmas yet

The worst part is how fucking alone this makes you feel. I'm really grateful to the Tweeple with addicts/mentally ill family members who've reached out to me because of this thread.

You may not know it, but you've been lifeboats to me in this sea of heartbreak.

It's 2am and I just got home from my folks. What was a chilled evening of dinner and learning to crochet ended with my sister high on heroin asking my mom if she thinks maybe she ODed because she's taken heroin, Trepiline, Oxytcin and Pax together,

She hasn't ODed, but she did give up her stash only to try demand for it back, but my folks and I were locked behind two slam locks - installed years ago to keep them safe and her out. Cause nothing says normal like hiding from your sister.

Last night was surreal and also not. Seeing her fucked, her messaging me to tell me she’s I am dead to her, her begging my parents for her last dregs of heroin/tik so she wouldn’t start detoxing before today - when she wants to go back to a psychiatric clinic

The places she hid her drugs, the fact she was, actually, fucked on Christmas and New Year’s Eve, the threats she made about what she’d go do at 2am to get more drugs, having to sneak out the house so I could come home.

Fuck it all. Fuck drugs and drug culture and the normalisation of any and all substances that have the ability to fuck up peoples lives - and the lives of those around them.

I fell asleep around 4am. My sister was messaging my parents, saying she was going to take all the psych meds in her room (50+ pills) and kill herself because they wouldn’t give her stash back.

Monday then started a little like this because she claimed she had ODed (she hadn’t). Meanwhile she was swearing and calling my parents and paramedics every name she could.

It’s all ended with her in another rehab (and us finding her tik pipe).

Rinse and repeat.

Every inch of my heart is sore and I feel paper thing and I go back to work on Wednesday and it’s going to take a miracle to make it through it all.

It's been more than a week, I thought I'd be fine by now but I just keep crying at random moments during the day.

You hear that? That's the sound of chaos approaching. Out of one clinic, into another, suicidal threats and this time, electroshock therapy.

Why would it be holiday weekend without a little bit of hell?

Gueeeesssss who got kicked out of rehab for violent and abusive behaviour?

And every time, even after I’ve been crying for hours, there’s a voice in my head that tells me I’m making too big a deal of this, that it isn’t that terrible, that I shouldn’t make such a fuss or public display.

It's weird how easily I can talk about this addiction thing here and on Instagram but avoid having real life conversations about it and clam up as soon as anyone close to me brings it up. Probably because it makes it to real and I'm mostly just surviving it all.

It's my sister's birthday tomorrow and she's still with my folks while we wait to see if Stikland will take her. But for the first time in years, I'm not going to see her tomorrow. I'm not getting her a gift (why bother when they get sold/trashed/left a dealers house).

This morning on KFM for the prank, they had this woman losing her shit and screaming at a directory enquiry call center when asking for a number. Everyone was like "omg this is unreal" but actually it just reminded me of my sister on any given day in a rage

I've been stuck deep in depression since January. A few months ago I started taking meds. A few weeks ago I went back into therapy. This weekend I felt the fog start to lift. Tonight my sister went into one of her abusive rages and the fog descended once again

Because one day, when my parents are dead, this will all be my problem to deal with. And that thought makes me want to give up on living.

I wish this thread was quiet because there was positive change. But there isn't. She may not be using street drugs (or even abusing her psych meds) but she's still a nightmare, violent and destructive.

But it's almost the start of the festive season, so what did I expect?

Full body shakes and sobbing after my sister started ranting and raving and eventually I snapped and yelled back. She’s told me I’m a narcissistic gaslighting bitch who everyone hates. Happy Sunday, babies.

Her level of anger and rage was so intense I locked myself down the side of the house with the slam lock (that was installed because of her) and it just made her angrier.

She's been admitted under involuntary committal to a public psych ward for 72 hours as she's a danger to herself and others. This personality disorder (borderline/antisocial personality disorder) drug addict combo is a real treat.

Guess I should update this: sectioned as a ward of the state to Valkenberg now.

Sort of related: I used to be able to handle people smoking weed around me. Now just the mention of it/weed related topics makes my heart clench sickeningly.

My cat may be dying, work is endlessly hectic and it's 90% certain my sister does not have borderline personality disorder, but in fact, antisocial personality disorder. My sister. A sociopath. It's like a bad joke only it's not.

I feel like with my fancy new job maybe I should let this thread go, but I still feel it's important for others living in this hellscape to know they aren't alone.

About 2 weeks ago my sister attempted to OD on her methodone and valium. Then told my parents about it.

This was after the start of lockdown, so off she was rushed to the emergency room by my 78 year old dad. Cue another spin through committal to Groote Schuur psych, but shorter this time due to them clearing out all beds for COVID-19.

They took her off the methodone and valium and shipped her back home for my folks to deal with. In addition to being a rather violent drug addict she also has all the cluster b personality disorders in extreme measures - borderline, narcissist and histrionic, plus: sociopathy.

Not even a global pandemic puts a pause on this never ending hell merry-go-round. It's complicated, right? She's not mentally well, but that doesn't excuse the awful, awful, awful things she says and has accused everyone in the family of. It doesn't get better. It just i.

I hold on to so much anger and trauma around this. There's been an additional Valkenberg committal that just came to an end. But today I was ordering my folks a treat from Seattle, and I included something for my sister in this. And she messaged me to say thank you.

And while it doesn't erase the decades of shit, and I don't for a second believe she will get better or change, holding on to all the trauma and anger and pain just eats my soul.

Anyway. Don't do drugs kids. They make you (more) psychotic.

Just like the pandemic, this ain't over yet. Fairly sure she's smoking tik again. The rollercoaster is about to kick off. I'm no longer sure if I should continue this thread, given my profile is now linked with work, but addiction is hell of a thing, it affects all kinds of folk

As usual, drugs are bad. Don't smoke tik or inject heroin. It's really a pretty rubbish idea.

Yesterday my sister went off with her current (now, ex I assume) BF. It ended as a screaming fight in the street of Plumstead in the early hours of this morning with them physically assaulting each other in the streets. The neighbourhood watch was called

And somehow, my folk's computer repair guy is on that watch, and recognised my sister, and called my folks when the police came and took her and the BF to the police station. Now its the usual accusations of abuse towards him, how sad is it that I do not believe her anymore?

She lies so much, so often, all the time. I am so tired that I have to keep updating this thread. That there is a reason to update it. But the sad fact is that someone with her disorders (borderline, antisocial, narcissistic, hypochondriac) with an affinity for tik and heroine

This only ends when it ends badly. Today was not that day. But it will be one day.

I talk about this here because screaming into the internet is better than trying to make my friends feel better when they don't know what to say to me.

If you too are the sibling, friend, lover, mother, father of someone like my sister, my DMs are always open to you. I post for you. So you know you're not alone in hell. I am here to hold your hand in the darkness

oh, of course that's not the end of it. she's been passed out at my folk's since sunday. swearing up and down she's not been using (lol), today she starts being more awake.

tonight she tells my parents that she's now, actually in withdrawal

Turns out, shocking no one, that since she came out of her most recent psychiatric stay (3? 4? weeks ago) she's been using - shooting up heroin, her psychiatric meds, tik. now my father has gone off to get her methadone from a late night pharmacy to cope with her withdrawal.

if they don't get it for her, she's threatening to go sell herself (in much more graphic terms) to get drugs. add to this that while she's asking for more drugs, she's also accusing my dear, sweet parents of the most graphic, unspeakable abuse.

tomorrow,, supposedly, begins another psychiatric stay, another spin through clinics, methadone, withdrawal, blame, etc etc.

i'm so tired. i'm shaking.

i want this to stop.

i want off this ride.

Also, it probably shows my lack of knowledge about actual drug taking mechanics, but wow am I impressed (?) at just how many kinds of medication/drugs you can either snort or inject if you really want to. Or maybe my sister is just really motivated in getting fucked

Ps Don't inject drugs. You too could end up septicaemia in your arms.

Tomorrow it's off to another religious rehab up the coast. Honestly, if this last longer than...6 weeks? Max? I'll be utterly shocked. Stay tuned. This never ends!

Look at me guessing six weeks right Usual getting chucked out due to violent rages + picked up by cops who believe her stories, throw in a little short term psychiatric stay, but unable to be held due to compliance. When you mix drugs and sociopathy, it's a real head fuck

for those living with that person. My father's off up the coast to pick her up and my lungs are literally burning from constant anxiety.

I reckon... two ish week of compliance at home with my folks before rages and violence starts?

Ah the festive season, how I hate you.

A seemingly innocuous message from my sister (she never messages me) and I start physically shaking and crying. Trauma responses are weird. (Also it’s a link to a post on her profile spouting conspiracies about mandatory vaccines and government tracking you via the app)

Wouldn't be the week before Christmas without an update to this thread: my sister is barely online, dead quiet at my parents, only coming in for food, no friends around, not on her phone. All signs point to using.

I predict running out of drugs + demanding rehab within a week

But there is no medical aid, all hospital s(including Valkenberg where she is still an outpatient) are full to the brim of COVID patients. So what, more methadone and detoxing at my parents place?

I hate this time of year and the many traumas it brings with it.

She's still using (injecting) meth and heroin again. Trying to get herself taken off being an involuntary out patient of Valkenberg. They've also said they don't want to readmit her because there's no point - she's a sociopath with no desire to change.

The cycles of being clean to using are getting shorter again. Maybe this is the time she ODs. Maybe this is the time she does something awful and gets arrested. Or maybe it will just keep on repeating for decades.

At my folks place (where she lives) and she’s simultaneously yelling abuse at my parents and demanding to be taken to a rehab so she can detox from the meth she’s been injecting but also accusing them of every unspeakable thing you could think of.

She went to another rehab to detox from meth, heroine and benzos. Then back to another long term place she was kicked out of before. Hasn’t been even 2 weeks and she’s been kicked out for violent behaviour. I wish I could say I felt something about this, but I don’t.

She wants to be with her friends and keep using, or so she says. It’s tiring. She must do what she wants. She’s 38 this year. If that ends in death or jail, well, that’s where it ends. Perhaps that’s heartless. But 20 years into the drug addiction

I wish I could explain how isolating this is. It’s another round of thrown out of rehabs, living with friends, using all the drugs, terrible things happening to her, back with parents and another pending rehab this week. Swearing at my parents, accusing them of awful things.

Last night I just sat on my kitchen floor with a whisky listening to music I don’t normally listen to because it reminds me of Bad Times but somehow in a Bad Time it helped drown the roar of the tsunami inside my chest

And I just wished I’d had someone to call or text or be there for me. But I know that although my friends love me, they don’t know what to do with this when I bring it to them.

So instead I drink a stiff drink, listen to music and watch the dark night.

I was at folks on Sunday, my sister wanted Adcodol (which has codeine, a para opioid) from them because she says (after saying she was clean) is detoxing from heroine which she was forced to smoke by gangsters who assaulted her the day before she asked to be picked up

but then was also smoking it for the whole week before (but also she was at a rehab the week before?)

And it's exhausting, trying to figure out the truth of what she does or has happened and most likely we never will.

Anyway back to rehab this week!

(not over this latest spiral)

In this last phase, where she'd left the farm she was living and blocked us all on WhatsApp there as a phase where I had to wonder would we know if she died? How would we tell? When would we report her missing? Could we?

And I can think these things without my heart aching, I could be thinking about when to buy bread. How have I become the person who thinks about my sister ODing/getting murdered/dying as a result of her addiction without it hurting?

20 years of this, that's how.

In addition to addiction, my sister also has all the Cluster B personality disorders (antisocial/sociopathy, borderline, histrionic, narcissistic). I looked up the effects of sociopaths on their siblings recently (CU = callously unemotional), and I....yikes.

It's weird to see how much of my personality has been formed in reaction to her and by the continuous traumatic stress of her. It's not a good thing, it's not a bad thing, it's just a thing. I like who I am, but I could have been someone different too.