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Things a woman shouldn't say or do on the internet if she doesn't want to receive "Hey Pretty Lady" DMs. Thread incoming.
Don't have a remotely pretty profile pic. Not even if it's taken you 20 years to like yourself and you can finally take a compliment #YouWillGetDMs #HeyPrettyLady
Don't ever mention knickers. Especially your own. Even if it's because you just got pulled at Terminal 2 with 36 pairs #YouWillGetDMs #HeyPrettyLady
Don't be funny. Women aren't funny. If you think you are being funny, it's really cos you're looking for sex #YouWillGetDMs #HeyPrettyLady
Don't use the phrase "looking for sex". Even if you're being funny. See above. #YouWillGetDMs #HeyPrettyLady
Don't post photos you took yourself of a Rose you grew yourself as a homage to Georgia O Keeffe. This is a clearly a display of your genitalia #YouWillGetDMs #HeyPrettyLady
Do NOT post photos of bare breasted Roman statues in the hopes that a Roman Museum will reGram you on #insta. This is also a desperate attempt to have online sex #YouWillGetDMs #HeyPrettyLady
NEVER say that you lolled out loud at an unsolicited penis picture from a surpringly hot guy. This means YOU ARE A TOTAL SLUT #YouWillGetDMs #HeyPrettyLady
Do not mention that you have been collecting seeds out the back garden. This is a well known online euphemism for "I want it hard dude" #YouWillGetDMs #HeyPrettyLady
Never ever tweet "I want it hard dude". You are a raging nymphomaniac. I can't help you. See above #YouWillGetDMs #HeyPrettyLady
Do not say that your cat is a bastard. I believe your cat is a bastard. So is mine. But the word CAT is a secret signal #YouWillGetDMs #HeyPrettyLady
Do not openly hate Christmas online. This means you are looking for a man to show you the real meaning of Christmas. Invariably HIS PENIS #YouWillGetDMs #HeyPrettyLady
I could go all day. Don't say "I could go all day". Cos guess what ? #YouWillGetDMs #HeyPrettyLady
Never ever mention your arse. Even if it's so HUGE you can't move it . Arse is international man code for "there are single ladies and some married ones in your area right now just dying to talk to you". #YouWillGetDMs #HeyPrettyLady
Don't say bra. Especially if your profile pic has cleavage. Your bra holds your boobs. This means you want to send boob pics to complete strangers even though you're married and over 40 #YouWillGetDMs #HeyPrettyLady
Don't say you're going for a run or post a photo from your run of a squished frog. This means you're fit. Fit pretty ladies want it bad #YouWillGetDMs #HeyPrettyLady
Do not ever post photos of seagulls on Instagram. Seagulls are crazy birds. Therefore YOU are a crazy bird #YouWillGetDMs #HeyPrettyLady
Dont be a woman on the internet #YouWillGetDMs #HeyPrettyLady
Oh and finally. Don't mention German Supermarkets. This week I was Hey Pretty Ladied auf Deutsch. #YouWillGetDMs #HeyPrettyLady
Cleavage by the way includes your neck and any double chins you may have #YouWillGetDMs #HeyPrettyLady
