In honour of #WORLDPASTADAY, I present the following scientific thread that constitutes definitive ranking of Non-Primary-Canon pasta shapes
entries this year are drawn from a shortlist that was CAREFULLY compiled by applying BRUTAL and SCIENTIFIC criteria that I WILL NOT reveal
I will now tweet this years rankings, in ASCENDING order of pasta shapes, from WORST to BEST
22. *LAST PLACE* – Croxetti
• pasta NOT a place for GraphicsDesign
• this is just a disc
• m8
• TERRIBLE sauce retention
• wilted mouthfeel
• pasta NOT a place for GraphicsDesign
• this is just a disc
• m8
• TERRIBLE sauce retention
• wilted mouthfeel
21. Capellini
• I dont care if ur famous
• you are just Garbage Spaghetti
• Absolute Pile Of Mush
• Literally allergic to retaining sauce
• I dont care if ur famous
• you are just Garbage Spaghetti
• Absolute Pile Of Mush
• Literally allergic to retaining sauce
20. Rombi
• Oh dear
• Almost feeling sorry for you
• those ridges aren& #39;t gonna help the sauce stay on m8
• marks given for having diagonals
• Oh dear
• Almost feeling sorry for you
• those ridges aren& #39;t gonna help the sauce stay on m8
• marks given for having diagonals
19. Trenne
• triangular shape almost conveys bladerunner-esque neo-future noir
• cold, heartless form befits our age
• unsociable to sauce
• triangular shape almost conveys bladerunner-esque neo-future noir
• cold, heartless form befits our age
• unsociable to sauce
18. Rotele
• entertains children & adults alike w charming suggestion of popular invention "The Wheel"
• sauce-phobic again
• good w pestos
• entertains children & adults alike w charming suggestion of popular invention "The Wheel"
• sauce-phobic again
• good w pestos
17. Gigli
• Unsatisfyingly inconsistent mouthfeel
• Also A Famous Hollywood Picture
• Frequently Overcooked
• Better Alternatives Exist
• Unsatisfyingly inconsistent mouthfeel
• Also A Famous Hollywood Picture
• Frequently Overcooked
• Better Alternatives Exist
16. Lumaconi
• Ah, The Giant Snailshell
• Large enuf 2hide Entire Ingredients leading to Frequent Surprises
• convex exterior rejects sauce
• Ah, The Giant Snailshell
• Large enuf 2hide Entire Ingredients leading to Frequent Surprises
• convex exterior rejects sauce
15. Paccheri
• Always seems like a good idea at the time
• comically hard to eat with both fork and spoon
• elegant look but sauce agnostic
• Always seems like a good idea at the time
• comically hard to eat with both fork and spoon
• elegant look but sauce agnostic
14. Farfalloni
• It& #39;s Giant Bowties Lads
• good texture contrast due to thick center / thinner fringe
• ultimately is it Just Big Farfalle?
• It& #39;s Giant Bowties Lads
• good texture contrast due to thick center / thinner fringe
• ultimately is it Just Big Farfalle?
13. Conchiglie
• needs to be al dente
• fabulous sauce transporter
• squirts boiling sauce into roof of mouth when bitten
• spoon-friendly
• needs to be al dente
• fabulous sauce transporter
• squirts boiling sauce into roof of mouth when bitten
• spoon-friendly
12. Girandole
• vertically stretched type but for fusili
• not actually as good as fusili
• extreme shape inconsistency betwn manufacturers
• vertically stretched type but for fusili
• not actually as good as fusili
• extreme shape inconsistency betwn manufacturers
11. Fusili Avellinesi
• "The Thinking Man& #39;s Girandole™"
• A Real Conversation Starter
• bold mover
• Ultimately not great sauce retainer
• "The Thinking Man& #39;s Girandole™"
• A Real Conversation Starter
• bold mover
• Ultimately not great sauce retainer
10. Campanelle
• Simply Better than gigli
• tighter florets actually hold ingredients
• prone to overcooking
• a friend to the humble pea
• Simply Better than gigli
• tighter florets actually hold ingredients
• prone to overcooking
• a friend to the humble pea
9. Garganelli
• Underrated jack-of-all-trades
• a real sauce holder and comrade
• solid texture contrast esp when ridged
• tooty pipe shape
• Underrated jack-of-all-trades
• a real sauce holder and comrade
• solid texture contrast esp when ridged
• tooty pipe shape
8. Trofie
• Fabulous bouncy texture that is fun to bite
• simply Loves The Pesto
• inflexible
• sometimes u just gotta hand it to em
• Fabulous bouncy texture that is fun to bite
• simply Loves The Pesto
• inflexible
• sometimes u just gotta hand it to em
7. Fusili Bucati
• fractal pasta with near-infinite surface area
• there is a Tube Inside The Tube
• ultimately 2 varied btwn manufacturers
• fractal pasta with near-infinite surface area
• there is a Tube Inside The Tube
• ultimately 2 varied btwn manufacturers
6. Creste Di Gialli
• Cock-A-DoodleDoo its the Rooster Crest
• murders Gigli &Campanelle on their own shit
• sauce retainer AND transporter
• Cock-A-DoodleDoo its the Rooster Crest
• murders Gigli &Campanelle on their own shit
• sauce retainer AND transporter
5. Gemelli
• unpretentious, tireless sauce holder & transporter
• the Ngolo Kante of pastas
• less spiral =better
• a true Comrade To Sauce
• unpretentious, tireless sauce holder & transporter
• the Ngolo Kante of pastas
• less spiral =better
• a true Comrade To Sauce
4. Quadrefiore
• a swiss army-knife of sauce pockets
• little cuttlefish of the Pasta Sea
• rarely seen, possibly shy
• bad w chunky sauce
• a swiss army-knife of sauce pockets
• little cuttlefish of the Pasta Sea
• rarely seen, possibly shy
• bad w chunky sauce
3. Bucatini / Perciatelli
• Spaghetti: The Upgrade
• big enough to wrassle a bolognese / ragu
• hole in center can contain a Saucy Surprise
• Spaghetti: The Upgrade
• big enough to wrassle a bolognese / ragu
• hole in center can contain a Saucy Surprise
2. Radiatori
• Many compound frills
• adds baroque surface complexity to even simple meals
• spoon-friendly shape
• patented Sauce Trench™
• Many compound frills
• adds baroque surface complexity to even simple meals
• spoon-friendly shape
• patented Sauce Trench™