In honour of #WORLDPASTADAY, I present the following scientific thread that constitutes definitive ranking of Non-Primary-Canon pasta shapes

entries this year are drawn from a shortlist that was CAREFULLY compiled by applying BRUTAL and SCIENTIFIC criteria that I WILL NOT reveal

I will now tweet this years rankings, in ASCENDING order of pasta shapes, from WORST to BEST

22. *LAST PLACE* – Croxetti

• pasta NOT a place for GraphicsDesign
• this is just a disc
• m8
• TERRIBLE sauce retention
• wilted mouthfeel

21. Capellini

• I dont care if ur famous
• you are just Garbage Spaghetti
• Absolute Pile Of Mush
• Literally allergic to retaining sauce

20. Rombi

• Oh dear
• Almost feeling sorry for you
• those ridges aren't gonna help the sauce stay on m8
• marks given for having diagonals

19. Trenne

• triangular shape almost conveys bladerunner-esque neo-future noir
• cold, heartless form befits our age
• unsociable to sauce

18. Rotele

• entertains children & adults alike w charming suggestion of popular invention "The Wheel"
• sauce-phobic again
• good w pestos

17. Gigli

• Unsatisfyingly inconsistent mouthfeel
• Also A Famous Hollywood Picture
• Frequently Overcooked
• Better Alternatives Exist

16. Lumaconi

• Ah, The Giant Snailshell
• Large enuf 2hide Entire Ingredients leading to Frequent Surprises
• convex exterior rejects sauce

15. Paccheri

• Always seems like a good idea at the time
• comically hard to eat with both fork and spoon
• elegant look but sauce agnostic

14. Farfalloni

• It's Giant Bowties Lads
• good texture contrast due to thick center / thinner fringe
• ultimately is it Just Big Farfalle?

13. Conchiglie

• needs to be al dente
• fabulous sauce transporter
• squirts boiling sauce into roof of mouth when bitten
• spoon-friendly

12. Girandole

• vertically stretched type but for fusili
• not actually as good as fusili
• extreme shape inconsistency betwn manufacturers

11. Fusili Avellinesi

• "The Thinking Man's Girandole™"
• A Real Conversation Starter
• bold mover
• Ultimately not great sauce retainer

10. Campanelle

• Simply Better than gigli
• tighter florets actually hold ingredients
• prone to overcooking
• a friend to the humble pea

9. Garganelli

• Underrated jack-of-all-trades
• a real sauce holder and comrade
• solid texture contrast esp when ridged
• tooty pipe shape

8. Trofie

• Fabulous bouncy texture that is fun to bite
• simply Loves The Pesto
• inflexible
• sometimes u just gotta hand it to em

7. Fusili Bucati

• fractal pasta with near-infinite surface area
• there is a Tube Inside The Tube
• ultimately 2 varied btwn manufacturers

6. Creste Di Gialli

• Cock-A-DoodleDoo its the Rooster Crest
• murders Gigli &Campanelle on their own shit
• sauce retainer AND transporter

5. Gemelli

• unpretentious, tireless sauce holder & transporter
• the Ngolo Kante of pastas
• less spiral =better
• a true Comrade To Sauce

4. Quadrefiore

• a swiss army-knife of sauce pockets
• little cuttlefish of the Pasta Sea
• rarely seen, possibly shy
• bad w chunky sauce

3. Bucatini / Perciatelli

• Spaghetti: The Upgrade
• big enough to wrassle a bolognese / ragu
• hole in center can contain a Saucy Surprise

2. Radiatori

• Many compound frills
• adds baroque surface complexity to even simple meals
• spoon-friendly shape
• patented Sauce Trench™

1. Mafaldine

• THE CHAMP IS HERE
• a sauce-holding miracle
• enormous surface area yet still fork-navigable
• Longitudinal Ruffling as art