In honour of #WORLDPASTADAY, I present the following scientific thread that constitutes definitive ranking of Non-Primary-Canon pasta shapes
entries this year are drawn from a shortlist that was CAREFULLY compiled by applying BRUTAL and SCIENTIFIC criteria that I WILL NOT reveal
I will now tweet this years rankings, in ASCENDING order of pasta shapes, from WORST to BEST
22. *LAST PLACE* – Croxetti

• pasta NOT a place for GraphicsDesign
• this is just a disc
• m8
• TERRIBLE sauce retention
• wilted mouthfeel
22. *LAST PLACE* – Croxetti• pasta NOT a place for GraphicsDesign• this is just a disc• m8• TERRIBLE sauce retention• wilted mouthfeel
22. *LAST PLACE* – Croxetti• pasta NOT a place for GraphicsDesign• this is just a disc• m8• TERRIBLE sauce retention• wilted mouthfeel
22. *LAST PLACE* – Croxetti• pasta NOT a place for GraphicsDesign• this is just a disc• m8• TERRIBLE sauce retention• wilted mouthfeel
22. *LAST PLACE* – Croxetti• pasta NOT a place for GraphicsDesign• this is just a disc• m8• TERRIBLE sauce retention• wilted mouthfeel
21. Capellini

• I dont care if ur famous
• you are just Garbage Spaghetti
• Absolute Pile Of Mush
• Literally allergic to retaining sauce
21. Capellini• I dont care if ur famous• you are just Garbage Spaghetti• Absolute Pile Of Mush• Literally allergic to retaining sauce
21. Capellini• I dont care if ur famous• you are just Garbage Spaghetti• Absolute Pile Of Mush• Literally allergic to retaining sauce
21. Capellini• I dont care if ur famous• you are just Garbage Spaghetti• Absolute Pile Of Mush• Literally allergic to retaining sauce
21. Capellini• I dont care if ur famous• you are just Garbage Spaghetti• Absolute Pile Of Mush• Literally allergic to retaining sauce
20. Rombi

• Oh dear
• Almost feeling sorry for you
• those ridges aren't gonna help the sauce stay on m8
• marks given for having diagonals
20. Rombi• Oh dear• Almost feeling sorry for you• those ridges aren't gonna help the sauce stay on m8• marks given for having diagonals
20. Rombi• Oh dear• Almost feeling sorry for you• those ridges aren't gonna help the sauce stay on m8• marks given for having diagonals
20. Rombi• Oh dear• Almost feeling sorry for you• those ridges aren't gonna help the sauce stay on m8• marks given for having diagonals
20. Rombi• Oh dear• Almost feeling sorry for you• those ridges aren't gonna help the sauce stay on m8• marks given for having diagonals
19. Trenne

• triangular shape almost conveys bladerunner-esque neo-future noir
• cold, heartless form befits our age
• unsociable to sauce
19. Trenne• triangular shape almost conveys bladerunner-esque neo-future noir• cold, heartless form befits our age• unsociable to sauce
19. Trenne• triangular shape almost conveys bladerunner-esque neo-future noir• cold, heartless form befits our age• unsociable to sauce
19. Trenne• triangular shape almost conveys bladerunner-esque neo-future noir• cold, heartless form befits our age• unsociable to sauce
19. Trenne• triangular shape almost conveys bladerunner-esque neo-future noir• cold, heartless form befits our age• unsociable to sauce
18. Rotele

• entertains children & adults alike w charming suggestion of popular invention "The Wheel"
• sauce-phobic again
• good w pestos
18. Rotele• entertains children & adults alike w charming suggestion of popular invention "The Wheel"• sauce-phobic again• good w pestos
18. Rotele• entertains children & adults alike w charming suggestion of popular invention "The Wheel"• sauce-phobic again• good w pestos
18. Rotele• entertains children & adults alike w charming suggestion of popular invention "The Wheel"• sauce-phobic again• good w pestos
18. Rotele• entertains children & adults alike w charming suggestion of popular invention "The Wheel"• sauce-phobic again• good w pestos
17. Gigli

• Unsatisfyingly inconsistent mouthfeel
• Also A Famous Hollywood Picture
• Frequently Overcooked
• Better Alternatives Exist
17. Gigli• Unsatisfyingly inconsistent mouthfeel• Also A Famous Hollywood Picture• Frequently Overcooked• Better Alternatives Exist
17. Gigli• Unsatisfyingly inconsistent mouthfeel• Also A Famous Hollywood Picture• Frequently Overcooked• Better Alternatives Exist
17. Gigli• Unsatisfyingly inconsistent mouthfeel• Also A Famous Hollywood Picture• Frequently Overcooked• Better Alternatives Exist
17. Gigli• Unsatisfyingly inconsistent mouthfeel• Also A Famous Hollywood Picture• Frequently Overcooked• Better Alternatives Exist
16. Lumaconi

• Ah, The Giant Snailshell
• Large enuf 2hide Entire Ingredients leading to Frequent Surprises
• convex exterior rejects sauce
16. Lumaconi• Ah, The Giant Snailshell• Large enuf 2hide Entire Ingredients leading to Frequent Surprises• convex exterior rejects sauce
16. Lumaconi• Ah, The Giant Snailshell• Large enuf 2hide Entire Ingredients leading to Frequent Surprises• convex exterior rejects sauce
16. Lumaconi• Ah, The Giant Snailshell• Large enuf 2hide Entire Ingredients leading to Frequent Surprises• convex exterior rejects sauce
16. Lumaconi• Ah, The Giant Snailshell• Large enuf 2hide Entire Ingredients leading to Frequent Surprises• convex exterior rejects sauce
15. Paccheri

• Always seems like a good idea at the time
• comically hard to eat with both fork and spoon
• elegant look but sauce agnostic
15. Paccheri• Always seems like a good idea at the time• comically hard to eat with both fork and spoon• elegant look but sauce agnostic
15. Paccheri• Always seems like a good idea at the time• comically hard to eat with both fork and spoon• elegant look but sauce agnostic
15. Paccheri• Always seems like a good idea at the time• comically hard to eat with both fork and spoon• elegant look but sauce agnostic
14. Farfalloni

• It's Giant Bowties Lads
• good texture contrast due to thick center / thinner fringe
• ultimately is it Just Big Farfalle?
14. Farfalloni• It's Giant Bowties Lads• good texture contrast due to thick center / thinner fringe• ultimately is it Just Big Farfalle?
14. Farfalloni• It's Giant Bowties Lads• good texture contrast due to thick center / thinner fringe• ultimately is it Just Big Farfalle?
14. Farfalloni• It's Giant Bowties Lads• good texture contrast due to thick center / thinner fringe• ultimately is it Just Big Farfalle?
14. Farfalloni• It's Giant Bowties Lads• good texture contrast due to thick center / thinner fringe• ultimately is it Just Big Farfalle?
13. Conchiglie

• needs to be al dente
• fabulous sauce transporter
• squirts boiling sauce into roof of mouth when bitten
• spoon-friendly
13. Conchiglie• needs to be al dente• fabulous sauce transporter• squirts boiling sauce into roof of mouth when bitten• spoon-friendly
13. Conchiglie• needs to be al dente• fabulous sauce transporter• squirts boiling sauce into roof of mouth when bitten• spoon-friendly
13. Conchiglie• needs to be al dente• fabulous sauce transporter• squirts boiling sauce into roof of mouth when bitten• spoon-friendly
12. Girandole

• vertically stretched type but for fusili
• not actually as good as fusili
• extreme shape inconsistency betwn manufacturers
12. Girandole• vertically stretched type but for fusili• not actually as good as fusili• extreme shape inconsistency betwn manufacturers
12. Girandole• vertically stretched type but for fusili• not actually as good as fusili• extreme shape inconsistency betwn manufacturers
12. Girandole• vertically stretched type but for fusili• not actually as good as fusili• extreme shape inconsistency betwn manufacturers
11. Fusili Avellinesi

• "The Thinking Man's Girandole™"
• A Real Conversation Starter
• bold mover
• Ultimately not great sauce retainer
11. Fusili Avellinesi• "The Thinking Man's Girandole™"• A Real Conversation Starter• bold mover• Ultimately not great sauce retainer
11. Fusili Avellinesi• "The Thinking Man's Girandole™"• A Real Conversation Starter• bold mover• Ultimately not great sauce retainer
11. Fusili Avellinesi• "The Thinking Man's Girandole™"• A Real Conversation Starter• bold mover• Ultimately not great sauce retainer
11. Fusili Avellinesi• "The Thinking Man's Girandole™"• A Real Conversation Starter• bold mover• Ultimately not great sauce retainer
10. Campanelle

• Simply Better than gigli
• tighter florets actually hold ingredients
• prone to overcooking
• a friend to the humble pea
10. Campanelle• Simply Better than gigli• tighter florets actually hold ingredients• prone to overcooking• a friend to the humble pea
10. Campanelle• Simply Better than gigli• tighter florets actually hold ingredients• prone to overcooking• a friend to the humble pea
10. Campanelle• Simply Better than gigli• tighter florets actually hold ingredients• prone to overcooking• a friend to the humble pea
10. Campanelle• Simply Better than gigli• tighter florets actually hold ingredients• prone to overcooking• a friend to the humble pea
9. Garganelli

• Underrated jack-of-all-trades
• a real sauce holder and comrade
• solid texture contrast esp when ridged
• tooty pipe shape
9. Garganelli• Underrated jack-of-all-trades• a real sauce holder and comrade• solid texture contrast esp when ridged• tooty pipe shape
9. Garganelli• Underrated jack-of-all-trades• a real sauce holder and comrade• solid texture contrast esp when ridged• tooty pipe shape
9. Garganelli• Underrated jack-of-all-trades• a real sauce holder and comrade• solid texture contrast esp when ridged• tooty pipe shape
9. Garganelli• Underrated jack-of-all-trades• a real sauce holder and comrade• solid texture contrast esp when ridged• tooty pipe shape
8. Trofie

• Fabulous bouncy texture that is fun to bite
• simply Loves The Pesto
• inflexible
• sometimes u just gotta hand it to em
8. Trofie• Fabulous bouncy texture that is fun to bite• simply Loves The Pesto• inflexible• sometimes u just gotta hand it to em
8. Trofie• Fabulous bouncy texture that is fun to bite• simply Loves The Pesto• inflexible• sometimes u just gotta hand it to em
8. Trofie• Fabulous bouncy texture that is fun to bite• simply Loves The Pesto• inflexible• sometimes u just gotta hand it to em
8. Trofie• Fabulous bouncy texture that is fun to bite• simply Loves The Pesto• inflexible• sometimes u just gotta hand it to em
7. Fusili Bucati

• fractal pasta with near-infinite surface area
• there is a Tube Inside The Tube
• ultimately 2 varied btwn manufacturers
7. Fusili Bucati• fractal pasta with near-infinite surface area• there is a Tube Inside The Tube• ultimately 2 varied btwn manufacturers
7. Fusili Bucati• fractal pasta with near-infinite surface area• there is a Tube Inside The Tube• ultimately 2 varied btwn manufacturers
7. Fusili Bucati• fractal pasta with near-infinite surface area• there is a Tube Inside The Tube• ultimately 2 varied btwn manufacturers
7. Fusili Bucati• fractal pasta with near-infinite surface area• there is a Tube Inside The Tube• ultimately 2 varied btwn manufacturers
6. Creste Di Gialli

• Cock-A-DoodleDoo its the Rooster Crest
• murders Gigli &Campanelle on their own shit
• sauce retainer AND transporter
6. Creste Di Gialli• Cock-A-DoodleDoo its the Rooster Crest• murders Gigli &Campanelle on their own shit• sauce retainer AND transporter
6. Creste Di Gialli• Cock-A-DoodleDoo its the Rooster Crest• murders Gigli &Campanelle on their own shit• sauce retainer AND transporter
6. Creste Di Gialli• Cock-A-DoodleDoo its the Rooster Crest• murders Gigli &Campanelle on their own shit• sauce retainer AND transporter
5. Gemelli

• unpretentious, tireless sauce holder & transporter
• the Ngolo Kante of pastas
• less spiral =better
• a true Comrade To Sauce
5. Gemelli• unpretentious, tireless sauce holder & transporter• the Ngolo Kante of pastas• less spiral =better• a true Comrade To Sauce
5. Gemelli• unpretentious, tireless sauce holder & transporter• the Ngolo Kante of pastas• less spiral =better• a true Comrade To Sauce
5. Gemelli• unpretentious, tireless sauce holder & transporter• the Ngolo Kante of pastas• less spiral =better• a true Comrade To Sauce
4. Quadrefiore

• a swiss army-knife of sauce pockets
• little cuttlefish of the Pasta Sea
• rarely seen, possibly shy
• bad w chunky sauce
4. Quadrefiore• a swiss army-knife of sauce pockets• little cuttlefish of the Pasta Sea• rarely seen, possibly shy• bad w chunky sauce
4. Quadrefiore• a swiss army-knife of sauce pockets• little cuttlefish of the Pasta Sea• rarely seen, possibly shy• bad w chunky sauce
3. Bucatini / Perciatelli

• Spaghetti: The Upgrade
• big enough to wrassle a bolognese / ragu
• hole in center can contain a Saucy Surprise
3. Bucatini / Perciatelli• Spaghetti: The Upgrade• big enough to wrassle a bolognese / ragu• hole in center can contain a Saucy Surprise
3. Bucatini / Perciatelli• Spaghetti: The Upgrade• big enough to wrassle a bolognese / ragu• hole in center can contain a Saucy Surprise
3. Bucatini / Perciatelli• Spaghetti: The Upgrade• big enough to wrassle a bolognese / ragu• hole in center can contain a Saucy Surprise
3. Bucatini / Perciatelli• Spaghetti: The Upgrade• big enough to wrassle a bolognese / ragu• hole in center can contain a Saucy Surprise
2. Radiatori

• Many compound frills
• adds baroque surface complexity to even simple meals
• spoon-friendly shape
• patented Sauce Trench™
2. Radiatori• Many compound frills• adds baroque surface complexity to even simple meals• spoon-friendly shape• patented Sauce Trench™
2. Radiatori• Many compound frills• adds baroque surface complexity to even simple meals• spoon-friendly shape• patented Sauce Trench™
2. Radiatori• Many compound frills• adds baroque surface complexity to even simple meals• spoon-friendly shape• patented Sauce Trench™
2. Radiatori• Many compound frills• adds baroque surface complexity to even simple meals• spoon-friendly shape• patented Sauce Trench™
1. Mafaldine

• THE CHAMP IS HERE
• a sauce-holding miracle
• enormous surface area yet still fork-navigable
• Longitudinal Ruffling as art
1. Mafaldine• THE CHAMP IS HERE• a sauce-holding miracle• enormous surface area yet still fork-navigable• Longitudinal Ruffling as art
1. Mafaldine• THE CHAMP IS HERE• a sauce-holding miracle• enormous surface area yet still fork-navigable• Longitudinal Ruffling as art
1. Mafaldine• THE CHAMP IS HERE• a sauce-holding miracle• enormous surface area yet still fork-navigable• Longitudinal Ruffling as art
1. Mafaldine• THE CHAMP IS HERE• a sauce-holding miracle• enormous surface area yet still fork-navigable• Longitudinal Ruffling as art
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