Some day I should really learn not to be a wise ass to cops but I get REALLY sarcastic to authority figures when I'm nervous.

Tweetstorm to follow once I collect my thoughts. You're gonna love this.

Got lunch with missus at QuickChek, dropped her off at work, headed home. Had to drop off the lease renewal at the management office...

Pull into space across from the office. Get a Wet Ones wipe from the thingy in the cupholder cuz I have cheesesteak residue on my hands...

It's a new thing of wipes so I have to peel the plastic wrapper off. (This doesn't seem like a relevant detail but just trust me.) ...

I half notice a big black Ford Crown Vic pull crookedly into the space next to me. An unmarked cop car could not look more like a cop car...

I immediately get SUPER NERVOUS even though I know I've done absolutely nothing wrong. Car isn't even running. Too much pumpkin spice latte.

I get out of the car, which is what I was about to do anyway. Another mostly irrelavant detail: I'm wearing scrubs from the animal hospital.

ME: Can I help you? [WHY WOULD I SAY THAT? THIS IS ALREADY GOING POORLY]
COP: What are you up to? [Up to? WTF?]
Me: [confused] I live here?

COP: What were you doing in your car?
ME: I drove here. [I am so confused.] I'm going to the office. [I gesture across the street.] ...

COP: But what were you doing just now sitting in your car? You had something in your lap.
ME: [starting to figure things out] Oh! ...

ME: I was cleaning my hands. [I show him the wet wipe that I'm still holding.] I just ate lunch.
COP: Can you prove you live here? ...

ME: I actually have my lease right here. I'm dropping off the renewal at the office.
I hand him MY LEASE FOR THIS APARTMENT COMPLEX...

It is at this point that he realizes he's been wasting both of our time, but he is nothing if not stubborn. And a little slow...

I should point out that the cop has a partner who's been silent but has been glaring quite menacingly. He's clearly been practicing.

I should also point out that I get extremely nervous when under scrutiny from authority figures and am obviously physically jittery...

Talky Cop hands my lease to Glary cop. Glary Cop squints at it. Talky Cop's mustache bristles authoritatively. This is all VERY SERIOUS...

Glary Cop SPEAKS: You live in Building 12? This is Building One.
ME: I'm dropping off my lease renewal at the office. [I gesture again.] ...

This concludes my conversation with Glary Cop, who is clearly detective material. He continues to loom silently for the rest of the story...

Talky Cop: We've been patrolling for reports of illegal drug use in this complex. People doing or dealing drugs in their cars...

ME: Okay. I haven't heard anything about that.
TC: You haven't seen anything?
ME: No. I don't really spend much time outside here...

(At this point I should mention that my car has quite a few stickers on it. @jonrosenberg's Republicans For Voldemort, GOT SCIENCE? ...

A few different pawprints, Captain America's shield, MST3K, Planet Express, Starfleet, and a decal that reads
THINK
IT'S NOT ILLEGAL YET)

Also this snazzy @carbonleaf decal:

TALKY COP: Do you do drugs? You have some marijuana stickers on your car.
ME: Um, no I don't.
COP: Then what is this? Carbon Leaf?
ME:

ME: They're a band from Virginia. And that's a maple leaf. [We are currently standing under a maple tree, surrounded by maple leaves BTW]...

COP: [dubiously] Okay, and what about this? It's not legal yet? [sic] What does that mean?
ME: I think it's pretty self-explanatory...

COP: Well, maybe I'm not very smart. Explain it for me?
ME: ...
...
...

OMG DID HE JUST SAY HE'S NOT VERY SMART I CAN'T EVEN KEEP YOUR SMART ASS MOUTH SHUT YOU'RE GONNA GET YOURSELF TASED

ME: [treading very gingerly] It just means that there are a lot of people out there who don't think for themselves anymore these days.

Talky Cop reads the sticker again. I think he moves his lips while doing so. "Think. It's not illegal yet."
COP: Oh, okay, I read it wrong.

Guys, I am about to burst with nervous snarky energy here. I'm a 36 year old pudgy white nerd in scrubs. Yes, I look like a stoner. Fuck you

No, I don't have any pot on my person or in my car. I invite Barney Fife to search my car if he wants to. I have to get back to work.

The driver's side door is still open. He takes a quick peek.
COP: Why are you so nervous?
ME: You startled me. And I just drank a latte.

Also I'm about to burst with an atomic bomb level of sarcasm and self-righteous snark that I'm desperately trying to hold back, I DON'T say.

I will admit that I WAS probably acting quite suspicious, especially to an already suspicious and admittedly "not very smart" cop.

Talky Cop gestures to the car door trash cubby thing.
COP: What's that wrapper?
[SERIOUSLY?! CHUCKLEHEAD IS STILL LOOKING FOR DRUGS?!]

I grab the incriminating piece of garbage and hand it to him
ME: It's an Rx Bar from my wife's breakfast. There's a bunch of trash in there.

Talky Cop does not take the protein bar wrapper from my outstretched hand. Apparently he has learned to trust my word. In a way, I'm touched

Maybe he appreciated the free lessons I gave him in reading comprehension and how to identify trees by their leaves. I'd like to think so.

ANYHOO, I didn't get tased, I'm not currently in jail, and I don't need you guys to scrape together bail for me. The parking lot is safe.

I'm sure I'll think of something more entertaining details later but for now my nervous energy has worn off and I have to get going.

I hope you've enjoyed my little story and thank you to the town's finest for an entertaining afternoon. Stay safe, everybody.

OH! Was I just in the new Super Troopers movie? Do I need to sign a release? Jeez, I hope I didn't have cheesesteak in my teeth...

Y'know, like much of the US, suburban NY is experiencing a severe opioid epidemic. So glad they're cracking down on teens smoking weed.

Follow-up! (Yes, my picture of myself on my phone is Torgo.)