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My passport, a thread:
It all started in 2009, my fake ID had been tragically snapped in half by a bouncer at a Ben Kweller show at The Cake Shop in ny (RIP)
I refused to get a driver's license because "I'm just moving to Brooklyn, I'll never have a car, I'll never need to fucking drive!"
So I was using my passport as my only ID (to get into 18+ shows and that's literally all I was carrying it around for, wtf danii)
I had a panic attack at a Girl Talk show* at Terminal 5
*he stood literally behind a macbook, but 18 y/o Danii was about it, of course
*he stood literally behind a macbook, but 18 y/o Danii was about it, of course
I was crowd surfed out of the audience & my bag fell that had my passport in it, & I was too scared to tell my dad, so I never got a new one
This past May, my father is like "hey I'm old af and it's on my bucket list to take you to Peru, so we're going in October, buckle up"
And I'm like "dope, I don't have a passport"
And he's like "uh, you mean it's expired"
And I'm like "uh, nah, I lost it about 10 years ago at a concert and I never told you"
And he's like
(Side note: my dad looks like Edward James Olmos and old Walt Disney got together and were my dad)
I'm like "don't worry about it, I can get one, we'll be fine, I'll take care of it. Everything will work out"
Which is what I say about everything when I'm literally just hoping for the best
Late May I'm in Milwaukee, Wisconsin and I leave my purse in a bathroom at a bar that looks like old women die in it regularly.
I go back in to get my purse and it's G O N E
It has my New Jersey drivers license (I got one, I know how to drive) and my S O C I A L S E C U R I T Y C A R D because I'm DUMB IM SO DUMB
Illinois won't let you get absolutely anything without a valid photo ID and/or (usually and) a social security card
I never got an IL ID for the 6 years I've lived here because, and I quote "YOU CAB PRY MY JERSEY ID OUT OF MY COLD DEAD HANDS!"
I fly to Jersey to get my license replaced, it's Memorial Day fucking weekend my flight Friday night is cancelled
My flight Saturday is perfect. I'll get to jersey at 11am, we'll go to the DMV, I'm like
We get stuck on the runway literally just long enough for me to get to jersey 3 minutes after the DMV closes. I fly back to chi with bagels
It's July, I have a sister trip to Vegas planned, I can't go without an ID, I fly to jersey for 24 hours get my ID, fly to Vegas. It's lit.
Fly home to Chicago, I start a new job, that job needs to make a photocopy of my ID
Something fucks up with the photocopy machine, and they ask me to keep my ID available for them to use again. I put it in my pocket.
And I keep it in my pocket. Somehow, 100% sober, it falls out of my damn pocket in the metropolis of Chicago, never to be seen again.
This is approaching August. I can't fly home a third time because I'm poor and have a new job and omg. I don't have a social security card.
Also I don't tell my dad I lost my ID, because I'm still scared of him.
After 3 failed attempts at getting a social, the lady takes pity on me and says "get a notarized copy of any medical record"
I haven't had health insurance since I was 20, but I've gone to Planned Parenthood to get tested, because I love them, and I stay safe 
PLANNED PARENTHOOD ALSO STAYS SAFE BY NOT RELEASING RECORDS TO ANYONE WITHOUT A PHOTO ID
Which is dope, but not for me. I'm standing there with my tattered birth certificate and my expired ID, crying in a planned parenthood
And beautiful angel women come to comfort me because this situation could have been a lot worse, and I explain to them that it's not that
But they're still chill, and still comfort me, and then one lady working decides to let me sign for my medical records
Which I probably shouldn't be saying on twitter, but still thank you to all of those women.
I. GET. MY. SOCIAL. SECURITY. CARD. I am able to then get my IL non drivers ID. I look pisses af in the pic. It's September.
I google "passport expediting services Chicago" and I find Bucktown Visa & Passport
Which is actually just a man named John who works out of his home, but I'm like "I trust you" because 
John walks passports over to the office downtown and has a license that gets them expedited in person or something that doesn't make sense
I go to the post office fill out all the forms, fill out an extra one that John gives me that says I give this strange man authorization
To ALL OF MY INFO and my birth certificate and it's chill and he'll have my passport by thursday which seems fake
John calls me in the middle of a 14 hour shift at work when I'm on a bucket of adderall and he's like
"One of these forms has a barcode that doesn't work, you need to give me your info and I'll fill out the one that works and take it back"
So I panic, and don't get back to him for a week (this is September) because I'm researching all the ways people can steal your identity
But I was like "I know where he lives, his home address that I've been to is on google, if he steals my identity, I can egg his house"
So I trust him and he actually gets me my passport, which is like wow? good trusting people exist in the world?
My flight from Chicago to New York is October 17th at 8:30pm
My flight to Peru from Newark is October 18th at 2pm
And on October 16th at 3pm my roommate sent me a Snapchat of her playing with her dog back home in Westerville, Ohio 5.5 hours away from chi
This matters because on October 14th at 11:30pm I put my backpack in her car because it had my passport in it
Because I was about to get drunk for our friend's birthday and I wanted my passport to be safe
So my backpack is currently in route from Ohio to Chicago in the hands of God, and the United States Postal Service
And hopefully it'll get to Chicago as promised by 10:30am to my job where someone can sign for it (while I'm at my other job)
But like, I've basically had a migraine since May, and I won't be calm until I'm drunk on a plane to Peru, in front of my father
Who still doesn't know that any of this has been happeningz
Sorry for all the typos
To be continued...
10:30am-3pm is a really long window to be calmly panicking while working at a different job on 2.5 hours of sleep.
And I probably won't tell my dad about any of this.
