This burger firm just called me scared of big burgers and I'm gonna take them to burger school to learn the difference between fear and rage https://twitter.com/fathippofood/status/913348206997753861

Last time on Burger School, for those who missed the last series: https://twitter.com/FrogCroakley/status/859805479446482944

So let's talk about the Earl of Sandwich, who invented sandwiches so he could honk back premium C18th meat while gambling himself to death

If our friend the Earl had tried to pick up the burger pictured above it would have collapsed on his lacy cuffs with a dismal trombone noise

For a start the earl would've had to have had hands like binlids to pick it up and I'm no historian but I don't think he was that massive

But it doesn't matter how big his hands were. Anyone's hands would just flail at that thing like a drunk pelican trying to eat greasy mist

Look at that thing it's like a goddamn accordion full of mince. It's got no self-respect, it can't even stand up straight. Looks defeated.

That burger doesn't even need human opposition, it's aching to die. You can see the strain in its posture, like a hernia-stricken sailor

And those twin coins of brioche are basically an insult to the form. They're gonna collapse into a mush of sugary gravy within seconds

Let the burger die, @fathippofood. Slap it sideways into a grave and stick a spoon in it like the cheese and mince casserole it wants to be.

Your burger scientists spent so long thinking about whether they could, they didn't stop to think about whether they should

Think about tortoises. Tortoises are the burgers of the wild: two buns of shell protecting a meat and cheese interior

If tortoises were built like modern burgers they would look like this and they wouldn't be best pleased about it

I think we're about wrapped up here, people. Let's keep burgers wide and simple, just like tortoises. xx