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-Gonna get really personal and probably delete it later.
"Freudian Chad" -Freud believed that events in our childhood have a significant influence on our adult life; Childhood trauma affects what you are like as you grow up. I had a pretty fucked up childhood.
Most of my childhood was spent watching my mother navigate her way through dysfunctional and often abusive relationships, leaving me to take care of her A LOT. Dad wasn& #39;t ever around, and instead of seeing a loving healthy relationship, I saw the exact opposite.
I was a medicated during most of my formative years where you learn how to love, socialize, and make friends -It did not help that I was bullied; I quickly learned that adults do nothing when someone is calling the effeminate kid on the playground "Faggot" It started in 1st grade
No one really ever stood up for me not even my "friends" instead my mistreatment as a child was answered by other kids with "You do kinda act gay" ok? so that justifies being harassed every day?
Anywho, back to my parenting. My mom, long story short, spent a good portion of my teen years with someone who would abuse me most of that time, I lived in a dollhouse of "We will handle this ourselves," and it was never handled; my mom continually chose my abuser over me.
I took care of everyone, my mom and my sisters, and when it came down to someone protecting me when I needed it the most, I was failed by those around me. I did not let this discourage me; I refused to believe that everyone was like this.
Fast forward to my first serious relationship; I was 22 and not really looking for anything; the years of abuse I suffered hadn& #39;t caught up to me yet. The relationship ended after 2 years, and my Ex decided someone else was more worthwhile than me. "all is fair in love and war."
Fast forward to the summer I turned 26, not realizing I had some baggage, but still happy and carefree nonetheless; I was at the top of my game at work and treating myself left and right, going out, building a safe haven around me, at peace, but open to whatever.
My being open led to my second serious relationship. I thought I knew enough; I felt that I was baggage free; I had spent a reasonable amount of time single and focusing on myself, and it just kind of happened. Baggage, it just kind of sneaks up on you when you didn& #39;t ask it to.
I met someone, they came crashing in, and I fully let it happen. I was ready for it. I embarked on what I had hoped would be my last ride on the merry-go-round; however that did not go as planned, and I found myself again not the first choice.
Looking back, I noticed a pattern... The people I trust/allow into my life and how I chose them above all others and realizing that they could not find it within themselves to choose me, hell, not even the woman who birthed me could choose me or be proud of anything I do. TRUST.
Here I am yet again, working through this bullshit, trying to regain my breath, my voice, and escape my thoughts throughout the day; it isn& #39;t easy, and I blanket it with provocative pictures, tweets, and comments, and people want to seriously judge me for that? No girl.
So before you think you know what happened, just know it& #39;s not even the whole story. I have spent my entire life being the second choice to everyone that mattered to me. No more.
