Read on Twitter
Thinking about how I've been lied to as an #ADHD person about what habits are.
Habits, for me, are things that I can reliably remember to do. I have a procedure, I go through it, I'm familiar with every step.
That is apparently not what neurotypical folks get to experience.
Habits, for me, are things that I can reliably remember to do. I have a procedure, I go through it, I'm familiar with every step.
That is apparently not what neurotypical folks get to experience.
Habits are things that they do without thinking.
They don't have to decide to do them. They don't have to remember to do them. Things just happen, automatically, because they've done them enough for that system to engage and make them automatic.
That system... which I lack.
They don't have to decide to do them. They don't have to remember to do them. Things just happen, automatically, because they've done them enough for that system to engage and make them automatic.
That system... which I lack.
Every single time I have brushed my teeth, it's been an active choice. I've had to devote thought and attention to it. It's not a routine, it's not a habit, it's something that I know is good to do, and hopefully I can remember to do it.
Every single time I exercise, or floss, or pay my rent, or drink water, or say "bless you" when someone sneezes,
It's because I've had to actively and consciously engage the protocol.
It never gets easier. Just more familiar.
It's because I've had to actively and consciously engage the protocol.
It never gets easier. Just more familiar.
It's part of my struggle with my weight - exercise never becomes a habit, and every single time I do it, it is exactly as hard as the first time. It takes exactly as much willpower & thought.
I got lied to about how it would just "turn into a habit."
And blamed, when it didn't.
I got lied to about how it would just "turn into a habit."
And blamed, when it didn't.
If there's not an external motivator (My cat yelling at me, so I feed her. I need clothes for work, so I do laundry. Etc.) I'm just constantly trying to remember all of the various procedures I have.
Add to that the way ADHD fucks with my interoception? https://twitter.com/NomeDaBarbarian/status/1466987217570582528?s=20&t=tY8lnVpJicW4oVboIMk_Kg
Add to that the way ADHD fucks with my interoception? https://twitter.com/NomeDaBarbarian/status/1466987217570582528?s=20&t=tY8lnVpJicW4oVboIMk_Kg
Drinking water isn't a habit. Feeding myself isn't a habit. Bathing isn't a habit.
I spend so much more energy, so much more time, so much more labor on just managing to maintain my fucking meat suit.
And now you want me to ALSO do taxes?
ON TIME?
Sounds homophobic, tbh.
I spend so much more energy, so much more time, so much more labor on just managing to maintain my fucking meat suit.
And now you want me to ALSO do taxes?
ON TIME?
Sounds homophobic, tbh.
HEY TURNS OUT THERE'S A PILL THAT CAN HELP ME MAINTAIN HABITS.
IF I CAN REMEMBER TO TAKE IT.
WHICH WOULD BE USEFUL. IF ONLY I COULD MAKE TAKING THE "HABIT-MAKING" PILL A HABIT.
IF I CAN REMEMBER TO TAKE IT.
WHICH WOULD BE USEFUL. IF ONLY I COULD MAKE TAKING THE "HABIT-MAKING" PILL A HABIT.
I need to date someone with (or join a polycule where at least one person has) executive function and time management skills.
Like, I will cook every meal, scrub every toilet, do all the grocery shopping, fine - I just need someone else's chore to be "remember time exists."
Like, I will cook every meal, scrub every toilet, do all the grocery shopping, fine - I just need someone else's chore to be "remember time exists."
A chore wheel for the house, where one slice is just "Prompting."
Do you remember in Flubber, where Robin Williams has the secretary robot that floats around behind him?
THAT IS THE DREAM.
https://twitter.com/RohannenZorbia/status/1525669644668837889?s=20&t=tY8lnVpJicW4oVboIMk_Kg
THAT IS THE DREAM.
https://twitter.com/RohannenZorbia/status/1525669644668837889?s=20&t=tY8lnVpJicW4oVboIMk_Kg
One of the things that was a huge realization for me was when someone explained why ADHD was thought of as a boy's disorder that you grow out of -
Because the men would be assumed to have both a wife AND a secretary, onto whom they would offload everything ADHD is bad at.
Because the men would be assumed to have both a wife AND a secretary, onto whom they would offload everything ADHD is bad at.
So suddenly the symptoms "disappear."
OH ABSOLUTELY. I'VE ALSO RECOMMENDED THEM TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I JUST CAN'T REMEMBER TO BUY THEM WHEN I HAVE MONEY. https://twitter.com/mostlybree/status/1525670515909722112?s=20&t=tY8lnVpJicW4oVboIMk_Kg
I JUST CAN'T REMEMBER TO BUY THEM WHEN I HAVE MONEY. https://twitter.com/mostlybree/status/1525670515909722112?s=20&t=tY8lnVpJicW4oVboIMk_Kg
Yup.
According to the era, if you're a woman with ADHD? No you're not - you're just bad at being a wife and mother, and need to try harder.
Excuse me while I throw up in my mouth a bit. https://twitter.com/tintabula/status/1525670713998204930?s=20&t=tY8lnVpJicW4oVboIMk_Kg
According to the era, if you're a woman with ADHD? No you're not - you're just bad at being a wife and mother, and need to try harder.
Excuse me while I throw up in my mouth a bit. https://twitter.com/tintabula/status/1525670713998204930?s=20&t=tY8lnVpJicW4oVboIMk_Kg
In a heartbeat.
"Hey babe, I'm going to iron. Come fold the laundry and keep me company?"
Me:
https://twitter.com/AMP2/status/1525672072558497792?s=20&t=tY8lnVpJicW4oVboIMk_Kg
"Hey babe, I'm going to iron. Come fold the laundry and keep me company?"
Me:
https://twitter.com/AMP2/status/1525672072558497792?s=20&t=tY8lnVpJicW4oVboIMk_Kg
Absolutely. It's labor, and anyone we date/marry who takes on that labor needs to have it recognized. https://twitter.com/Iyrytish/status/1525672643801882624?s=20&t=tY8lnVpJicW4oVboIMk_Kg
It's a part of the division of labor in a relationship, and a huge one.
Without talking too much about our business, it's part of why my last relationship failed.
I needed to be prompted, or to make plans /with/ someone to face tasks together.
She needed routines, that she /
Without talking too much about our business, it's part of why my last relationship failed.
I needed to be prompted, or to make plans /with/ someone to face tasks together.
She needed routines, that she /
explicitly didn't want to think or talk about.
She needed "say it once, and then it's handled forever."
And she wasn't able to do the things I was begging for - things like saying, "hey, let's do [x]," or tempering her language/tone when saying "have you done [y]?"
She needed "say it once, and then it's handled forever."
And she wasn't able to do the things I was begging for - things like saying, "hey, let's do [x]," or tempering her language/tone when saying "have you done [y]?"
And all of the tools we had built over the years - her, being undiagnosed ASD, me, being undiagnosed ADHD - went right past each other, because they were made for interacting with neurotypical folks.
So we just... never worked. Never managed to bridge the gap.
So we just... never worked. Never managed to bridge the gap.
The worst part?
I knew all of this going in. I talked to her about what I was hoping for, what I needed. Was super explicit and clear about my feelings.
But she's been lied to by NTs her entire life about their feelings, so she doesn't listen, and instead observes.
I knew all of this going in. I talked to her about what I was hoping for, what I needed. Was super explicit and clear about my feelings.
But she's been lied to by NTs her entire life about their feelings, so she doesn't listen, and instead observes.
So she nodded, and made the noises people make, and waited for me to instead SHOW her what I was like by how I acted, because years of NT bullshit had taught her that nobody is clearly communicating about their emotions.
So she waited for me to do something other than tell her.
So she waited for me to do something other than tell her.
Which was, in fact, the only tool I had.
So it was just... almost four years of stalemate.
During that time, I also felt diminished. Less myself than normal - because when I'm around people, one of the things I'm looking for is for them to work my levers.
I can't reach them.
So it was just... almost four years of stalemate.
During that time, I also felt diminished. Less myself than normal - because when I'm around people, one of the things I'm looking for is for them to work my levers.
I can't reach them.
I'm like a wind-up toy - someone or something else has to twist the key.
I'm capable of so much if I'm in relationships or community with the right people, with people who understand me and my strengths and my needs.
I can guide, but I can't operate me. I can't reach the lever.
I'm capable of so much if I'm in relationships or community with the right people, with people who understand me and my strengths and my needs.
I can guide, but I can't operate me. I can't reach the lever.
It really makes me wonder how y'all ADHD + Autism folks do it.
I have all of the "I need prompting, and get dragged off-course by novelty," and she had all of the "There is a CORRECT way for the spices to be in the cabinet, no I can't explain it." https://twitter.com/velociriker/status/1525670520548630528?s=20&t=IPeOzOcZFZ5Og4bHpsKYXw
I have all of the "I need prompting, and get dragged off-course by novelty," and she had all of the "There is a CORRECT way for the spices to be in the cabinet, no I can't explain it." https://twitter.com/velociriker/status/1525670520548630528?s=20&t=IPeOzOcZFZ5Og4bHpsKYXw
Yup! Tried it for a while, and it worked while it worked. I'd recommend it for anyone else to try, too.
Like most tools, though, I missed a single day, and I was mentally back to square one - because I couldn't build the habit of using the habit ap. https://twitter.com/AgathaGrimke/status/1525688069860560902?s=20&t=IPeOzOcZFZ5Og4bHpsKYXw
Like most tools, though, I missed a single day, and I was mentally back to square one - because I couldn't build the habit of using the habit ap. https://twitter.com/AgathaGrimke/status/1525688069860560902?s=20&t=IPeOzOcZFZ5Og4bHpsKYXw
It works as well as anything else does.
Part of the problem is that I'm not just trying to /remember/, but I'm trying to turn the alarm into an external force that has agency - a gestalt Person, with prosthetic executive function. https://twitter.com/Noadi/status/1525688630022373376?s=20&t=IPeOzOcZFZ5Og4bHpsKYXw
Part of the problem is that I'm not just trying to /remember/, but I'm trying to turn the alarm into an external force that has agency - a gestalt Person, with prosthetic executive function. https://twitter.com/Noadi/status/1525688630022373376?s=20&t=IPeOzOcZFZ5Og4bHpsKYXw
But that's an enemy known of old. https://twitter.com/NomeDaBarbarian/status/1334918500872163329?s=20&t=IPeOzOcZFZ5Og4bHpsKYXw
OF OLD, I TELL YE https://twitter.com/NomeDaBarbarian/status/1489429751252934660?s=20&t=IPeOzOcZFZ5Og4bHpsKYXw
God, how many things have we tried? https://twitter.com/NomeDaBarbarian/status/1301180524761735168?s=20&t=IPeOzOcZFZ5Og4bHpsKYXw
Beloved,
"Everyone else is going through the same thing as me, they're just handling it better,"
Is textbook ADHD. For ANY symptom. https://twitter.com/CoffeeLeap/status/1525714107390824449?s=20&t=rlokEj_DOv0nw7FB-TuB-w
"Everyone else is going through the same thing as me, they're just handling it better,"
Is textbook ADHD. For ANY symptom. https://twitter.com/CoffeeLeap/status/1525714107390824449?s=20&t=rlokEj_DOv0nw7FB-TuB-w
And with that I'm going to have to mute to save my mentions. I'll check back in as I can, but
you know
I'll have to remember to.
you know
I'll have to remember to.
Also, just B/c there's been some discussion on terms. Habit:
OED: a settled or regular tendency or practice, especially one that is hard to give up.
MW: a settled tendency or usual manner of behavior; an acquired mode of behavior that has become nearly or completely involuntary
OED: a settled or regular tendency or practice, especially one that is hard to give up.
MW: a settled tendency or usual manner of behavior; an acquired mode of behavior that has become nearly or completely involuntary
Dictionary dot com: - an acquired behavior pattern regularly followed until it has become almost involuntary
- customary practice or use
- a dominant or regular disposition or tendency; prevailing character or quality
- customary practice or use
- a dominant or regular disposition or tendency; prevailing character or quality
Wikipedia: The American Journal of Psychology (1903) defined a "habit, from the standpoint of psychology, [as] a more or less fixed way of thinking, willing, or feeling acquired through previous repetition of a mental experience."
"Habitual behavior often goes unnoticed in persons exhibiting it, because a person does not need to engage in self-analysis when undertaking routine tasks."
Not to beat a dead horse, I've just /already/ been QT'd by an asshat being not only pedantic, but also wrong about it.
Not to beat a dead horse, I've just /already/ been QT'd by an asshat being not only pedantic, but also wrong about it.
