:: zzh/gj/xy polyamory thread

Here it is. Finally happening. I've had poly!LLD shenanigans in my head for a few months but I haven't talked about them much.

If this ship isn't your jam, mute #LLDPolyverse to keep this thread from appearing on your TL.

⦿ This is gonna be half fic thread, half brain dump.
⦿ cw for bdsm, pet play, and probably lots of other kink
⦿ Obviously this thread is fiction. I shouldn't have to say this, but it doesn't represent any of the people involved.

- - -

Embracing his relationship with zh has made gj brave, helped him to embrace his sexuality. Becoming wkx helps, too. He explores, he learns, he lets feelings overwhelm him that he's always suppressed, and it's a lot at once.

it's so very convenient when xy arrives and he's hot.

By the time xy steps in on set, gj and zh are attached at the hip. It turns out that zh and xy are, too, so it's not long before gj has amassed quite a lot of time with zh's childhood friend.

xy is hard to read. At first, gj can't. He spends a lot of time lying awake at night

wondering what that one expression meant or whether or not he's making a good impression. It's really not so different from meeting an in-law, and gj has always been very good at overthinking.

xy is quieter than zh, much more stoic, but there's a similar warmth about him.

zh's presence makes xy's and gj's coexistence easier. They talk more, sometimes with zh's help to keep the conversations going. It takes all of a day for gj to see how close the two of them are.

In a way he can't explain, he longs to be a part of it.

zh is almost as handsy with xy as he is with gj. gj doesn't think it's jealousy that hums in his gut whenever he watches the two of them interact, but more of a feeling that he's hovering on the sidelines and wants to be called in to play. He's not great at asserting himself.

For a while, he tells himself that watching is enough.

But the closer that he and zh grow, the more that he understands what's attractive to him. He can talk openly with zh about being gay. zh can gush at his golf babes and gj can shyly point out whenever he sees a guy he

thinks is attractive. In his brain that's had his sexuality turned OFF for so long, or buried in some kind of unacknowledged denial, it becomes easier for gj to joke, "You know xy is hot, right?"

Except it's not a joke.

zh has to know. Or maybe he doesn't.

It has to be different, right? Can't be the same for zh, who has been friends with xy for so long. Then again, gj has harbored crushes on his friends for years, though he always figured it was a part of the closeted experience. Zh is a little more forthcoming than gj is.

Besides, gj knows how zh feels about dating his friends--it's how they ended up together, isn't it? If xy liked zh or if zh liked xy, they'd be an item, especially with how long they've known one another.

Just what history do zh and xy have?

Maybe it's just gj wishing something into existence because it's nice to think about.

zh laughs at gj's "joke", but he laughs at everything, and gj knows that zh is smart. He'll laugh and play it cool until gj is ready to talk.

Turns out it takes a while.

They're finished filming, and it's hard enough for gj and zh to force themselves to take time away from each other, to make sure that their relationship is more than character bleed. They don't think that's the case, but they have to be careful.

It takes maybe a week, and they know for sure.

zh and gj take new jobs. They embrace their new projects, but they embrace each other, too. In all the chaos of learning to navigate a long-distance relationship, gj doesn't expect to miss xy as much.

He doesn't see zh as often, but when he does, and after the two of them have spent some incredibly intense nights together in hotels, gj finally finds it in himself to say, "Sometimes it's weird that we're together and xy isn't here."

That's when zh makes their first group chat.

It's easier for gj to talk to xy over text. Their group chat is always a disaster, but in a good way--it makes gj remember the feelings he had for xy on set. Whether he wants it or not, the longing returns.

He tries to unpack it again but doesn't get too far. All of his energy

is being spent on spending as much time as he can with zh, whether it be on video chat or in person by spending way too much time in planes and cars.

And then, for the first time, xy texts gj.

It's nothing groundbreaking. Hell, it's a gaming meme, of all things--something that zh wouldn't understand but that xy cared enough to send to gj.

gj is embarrassed by how much his heart leaps when the gets the text. plus, it opens up the opportunity for more conversation.

the group chat is no longer a limiting factor.

gj shows zh the meme anyway. it seems easier to subtly let his partner know that he and xy are texting now, but zh barely reacts at all. it makes gj wonder if he's been overthinking things this entire time.

of course he has.

Once the conversation exists, it's easier to talk to xy. It starts to happen more often, and yet gj gets a rush of adrenaline every time xy lights up his notifications. Why?

He's not sure if he wants to confront it yet.

Besides, he and zh are busy keeping each other plenty of company. They video call nearly every day, and the number of texts they send to one another is obscene.

Their group chat with xy isn't quiet, either. If anything, it's more active the longer that gj and xy talk.

A month or two passes, and even though gj hasn't seen xy since the concert, there's no doubt they're closer.

Then, zh's world ends.

[cw for the next part: 813 mention along with implied suicidal ideation]

If it was up to zh, there would have been radio silence on all accounts, but xy and gj don't allow it. Conversations shift in tone--sometimes, zh needs distraction. Sometimes, they have to talk about it.

When gj texts xy outside their group chat, it's usually because zh hasn't answered and gj can't help but imagine the worst.

gj hates that, the first time he calls xy, he's begging him to go physically make sure that zh is still with them.

Through it all, they are strong together. xy and gj care for zh in their own ways. gj spends a lot of time driving distances that don't make any sense just so he can see zh for a few hours.

It's on one of these trips that he sees xy for the first time since shl filming.

They're both more tired, their eyes red-rimmed. They're hugging before they even think about it, because gj and xy share something that no one else can. zh is, of course, hurting the most, but there is a special kind of hell that those closest to him are enduring.

xy must know just how much time gj spends on the phone with zh, how many hours he drives and how many trips he's taken even in the middle of filming his own drama.

"Thank you," xy murmurs into gj's ear during the hug.

gj only squeezes xy tighter.

zh starts moving around until he's almost always with gj if there's any way the two of them can swing it. Closed sets and shared rental apartments help.

Time passes. Nothing is normal, but it's closer as the three of them adjust; the group chat lights up more like it used to.

The longer that zh and gj spend at each other's side, living together and weathering the storm that each month brings, the more intimately they learn about one another. It's easier and easier for gj to share thoughts he wouldn't have before.

It certainly helps that there are nights when they drink together to ease the conversations, to distract from the world around them, to suppress their anxiety for long enough that they can disappear into only each other.

One night, when gj is delirious from long hours of filming and helping zh to review legal documents, zh welcomes him back to their hengdian apartment with a bottle of wine.

Zh nurses a single glass, curled up on the couch with his legs tucked beneath him, while gj works through the rest of the bottle and just talks. Not only does zh love the sound of gj's voice, but gj has a lot to say.

He complains about work, but just a little, because gj has never been the kind of person to be ungrateful. “…I guess it’s just that it’s not ours,” he says. Nothing will ever be like filming with zh. Nothing will ever be like wkx again.

He finishes the wine that’s left in his glass (a few huge gulps transforms a glass once mostly full to one staunchly empty), then looks at zh and smiles. “Ah. It’s all right. Enough of that, right?” Zh smiles back at him. The longer they look at one another, the wider their

Lips stretch. When zh realizes that the wine bottle is empty and he’s only had one glass, he finally breaks their smiling match and bursts out laughing.

Gj laughs, too, and reaches across the couch to take zh’s hand in his. Still holding on, he asks, “Did you talk to xy today?”

He registers the slightest preview of what will soon become a buzz, that touch of lightheadedness that reminds him of his horrible habit to drink way too quickly when he’s nervous. Just a moment after asking about xy, zh blinks and glances down at their joined hands.

“What?” Gj asks, worried. Then, he looks down, too, and he sees his own white knuckles.

Zh teases him, but just gently. “It’s like you think he died or something.”

This is when gj would have taken another drink from his glass, a physical action to fill the uncomfortable

Silence that brews while he gathers his thoughts.

“I was just wondering.” Gj won’t meet zh’s eyes, and he’s surprised at the sharp defensiveness in his own tone.

“He’s fine,” zh says gently. His thumb rubs over the back of gj’s hand. “He called earlier. He asked about you.”

Gj scoffs, like he can’t believe someone in the world would care enough about him to ask. He remembers when a similar warmth settled in him the first of many times that zh complimented him during an interview. One corner of his lip twitches.

He doesn’t know why he’s holding back the smile that comes when zh says, “He’s coming here to visit, if that’s okay. A week or so. I figured you’d be okay with him staying here, so—“

“Of course.” Gj says it so quickly that it’s embarrassing. “Sure. Yeah. Is he okay?”

Zh nods. “Just to check in. You know, so someone’s here and you don’t have to worry all day on set about me being alone.” Eager to move on from the more upsetting implications of his last sentence, zh lifts and waggles his eyebrows. “Hey, Junjun.”

“Mm?”

“Do you still think he’s good-looking?”

The warm flush of wine shoots up from gj’s gut and through his neck, then spreads and settles into his cheekbones and the tips of his ears. “I mean. Yes.”

Is that the right answer? Is there a /wrong/ answer?

Gj swallows, and it’s like this throat is one long tube filling with concrete.

Zh’s laugh is loud, and it’s warm—one of the most joyful sounds gj has heard out of his mouth in a long time. “I can’t imagine what his ego’d be like if you ever told him.”

Somehow, gj keeps croaking out words. “He’d want to hear it from a man?”

“From a man like you? Who asks every five minutes if he’s doing okay? He’d think it’s sweet.”

Gj’s face heats up again. Fuck. He really did ask /again/ if xy was okay. Maybe gj’s the one who’s not okay.

“Anyway,” zh moves on, and it’s no secret that it’s for gj’s sake, “He’ll tell you he’s straight, but he’s always been curious about guys.” He lifts a single finger to his mouth, and his lips purse with mischief. “But you didn’t hear that from me.”

Maybe it’s the wine that’s actively turning gj’s brain into mush, but is zh actually encouraging him? Does zh /want/ something to happen between gj and xy?

With every passing day that he's come to know zh's best friend, gj's life has become more and more like a real-life romcom.

Except for the fact that romcoms are a lot less funny when he’s the one stuck inside of one now, unsuccessfully taming the butterflies in his stomach. He pushes through both nagging doubt and surges of confidence—tall waves of brightness, on top of the world, that quickly plunge

Him into the tumultuous ocean once they’ve reached their peak.

His and zh’s lives are filled with so much doubt and pain and fear, but each day gj rises before the sun and heads to hair and makeup. His schedule keeps him steadfast, but oh god it aches to pull himself away from

Zh each morning.

It’s a relief in more than one way when the day of xy’s arrival comes, and gj plunges into the apartment in desperate need of a shower to see zh smiling. Laughing. Pushing xy around the place in the playful way they bully one another.

“You still can’t cook for shit,” xy is saying when gj shuts the door behind him and feels like he’s walked into a true home rather than some pre-furnished apartment he and zh are leasing for the month.

Then, they both turn to meet gj’s gaze, and xy smiles at him.

Gj’s heart gets all goopy in his chest in a way that it hasn’t since he saw zh for the first time.

It’s not the same, though—this new sensation is just as unique as zh and xy are. Whatever it is, it’s certainly much warmer now that zh has spent the past couple of weeks all but

Blessing gj’s and xy’s marriage.

Gj’s smile across his face is just as wide as the strides he takes to get to xy. He stops for a minute, a couple of feet away, second guessing.

Xy closes the distance, and gj remembers the last (and only other) time they hugged like this.

Xy doesn’t say “thank you” aloud this time, but he doesn’t need to. Gj knows what it feels like in an embrace, now.

When a third pair of arms wraps around them both and zh’s body pushes up against the unit that gj and xy have become, sheer happiness rises in gj’s throat until he

Could cry with happiness.

The three of them stay like that for some time. Gj has always been the kind of person to worry that his physical affection will be misinterpreted—he’s held back or resisted, avoided it altogether.

But not this time.

This could be eternal for all gj cares. Here, in the middle of this efficiency kitchen with zh and xy, he feels grounded for the first time in more than a month. Here, he can fool himself into thinking that he can protect zh, but he doesn’t have to fool himself into thinking

That he can protect him right here and now. This moment is theirs, and zh is his.

But with xy here, gj feels protected, too.

Relief makes him light. He doesn’t realize that he’s nestled his face into the side of xy’s neck and synced with his breathing until zh squeezes gj’s

Bicep and murmurs, “Cute, laogong.”

Xy tries to hold in his laugh, but it escapes as a little snort that gj can feel more than hear.

Then, xy swats at zh’s hand that must be wandering toward xy’s ass, and their banter begins all over again with gj in the middle of it.